there's no harm in wondering

In Order To Be Irreplaceable, One Must Always Be Different

2012-01-02T10:59:00.002-07:00

For the first post of 2012, I want to honor someone who changed my life.

In a world that is constantly changing, so are we and so are our relationships. People come and go in our lives, often without rhyme or reason. But every once in awhile, you meet someone and you just click. You realize that you both dance to the beat of the same drummer, and you can't remember what it was like before you had them in your life. Sometimes this happens with a relationship, sometimes it happens with friendship. For me, it happened with Nancy W. Johnson.

To explain who she was would be futile. The title of this entry is a quote by Coco Chanel, and when "Chanel," I think: classy. Confident. Steadfast. Timeless. To me, I will always attribute these qualities to Nancy. She was the mother of my own mother's boyfriend, and I have been privileged to know her since very early this year. I was never very close to most of my grandparents, who have almost all passed on in this life. But with Nancy, she was a kindred spirit.

I'll never forget the first time I met her. It was summer, and she and her AWESOME husband Dan Sr had come over to my mom's house for a summer family dinner. If you know our family, you know that these are commonplace in our weekend routine. Well, Nancy and Dan were older, but they knew how to bring the party. I looked around the kitchen and noticed a HUGE beverage dispenser filled with sangria - and literally, the best sangria I had ever tasted... this was sangria that they had brought, too! Then I noticed her keen fashion sense, and her bright coral pink nail polish... literally I felt like I was looking at myself in maybe 40 years. I just instantly felt comfortable with her, and I couldn't tear myself away from talking to her.

That never changed - the only thing that did was how much I grew to love her. In a world where it can be easy to get lost in a crowd, or in my case, a large family - Nancy taught me to stand up and feel confident about making a decision for myself, even if I didn't have everyone's approval. She would always encourage me to do what made me happy, not to live my life by anyone else's standards but my own. It's not like anyone in my life is oppressive, but I have always been a people-pleaser, and Nancy showed me that part of me wasn't necessary... and helped me to let it go.

How do you thank someone for teaching you a lesson like that? You can't, even though you wish you could. Nancy never needed anyone to thank her, to verbalize how important she was to us - although she was the kind of woman that made you want to. I'll never forget how amazing her hugs were, or her smile and her sense of humor.

She was SO sassy! She owned an interior decorating firm for years in Charlotte, bringing her Charleston up-bringing and class and helping Charlotteans cultivate a style of design in their homes that many wish they had a knack for. Working with large-named clients (ahem, Jerry Richardson) was no big deal for her, it was a part of the day. But her firecracker personality and her gentle heart made her a favorite of many, and the second I found out that she owned her own firm, I was waiting for the day I could quit my job and beg her to let me work for her. She just had one of those magnetic personalities that made people want to know her, to spend time with her.

When my grandfather died, the grandparent I have been closest to, I was devastated. I never had the chance to really say goodbye... the last time I spoke with him I had called him on Veteran's Day, just to thank him for his service. I usually tried to call him on those special holidays to tell him thank you and that I was thinking of him. He told me over and over how much he loved me and how proud of me he was - funny, I had called to encourage him and he encouraged me more! He died about a month later, and although I had that great memory of our last conversation, I never got to have that one last conversation.

When Nancy took a turn for the worse, I knew I wouldn't let this be one of those memories. I bought a card and filled it with memories we had, things I had thought that I wanted to tell her but hadn't yet, and what she had meant to my life. How she had helped me to grow for the better, and how knowing her had made me a better person. And most importantly, how as I age and my life passes - that the man I marry, the kids I have, the career I build, how I hope that I can look at what I accomplish and know that she would be proud of the woman that I become.

I will be eternally grateful to Dan, my mom's boyfriend, for reading it to her before she passed. He has no idea how much peace he has given me for the rest of my life, knowing that he made it possible for me to say goodbye... you can't thank someone enough for allowing you that opportunity. And as I sit here today, reminding myself that she lived a full life, I want to share something with you that God put on my heart.

"All I have is this life that you've given me" - lyrics from one of my favorite songs. This life is so short, and things will happen that we cannot understand, things will occur that we are not equipped to process. And as I feel the pain of losing someone I loved dearly, I can make a choice. It's easy to wonder why such good people are allowed to go and other people are allowed to stay. I wondered that myself, knowing there are people in my life that have not been kind and have caused a lot of damage... but yet, Nancy is gone. To be honest, I'm angry that I was deprived of having Nancy in my life for the future. I was really, really looking forward to sharing more life milestones with her - meeting the man I marry, having kids... now she won't be able to experience that with me. But the time I did have with her was priceless... and she isn't suffering anymore.

Nancy may have lost the battle to lung cancer, but she won the battle of life. The outpouring of love I've seen through both my family and social media is ASTOUNDING... the number of people affected by this loss is the kind of thing that makes you realize that she had such a full, abundant life that touched so many people. And instead of asking why she's gone, I'll thank God that she was here.

She changed my life in so many ways that to sum it up would be impossible, so instead I will just say that I will live my life according to "Nancy's Principle": It is okay to think about yourself, go and do what makes you happy and live life now, while you have it.

Nancy, I will always love and admire you. I hope that through the rest of my life I continue to make you proud, and although I mourn your passing now, I can't wait to see you on the other side when it's my turn. You better have my glass of Sangria ready, Soul Sister!

Talk soon.

Parting thought:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated by our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others - Maryanne Williamson

This blog is dedicated to the memory of Nancy Wells Johnson (1938-2012).

May angels lead you home.

And Then I Started Thinking...

2011-12-28T09:42:00.005-07:00

I'm pretty blessed.

Every once in a while, something happens in my life that makes me think about why we're all here. This morning, I was perusing Facebook and noticed one of my best friends had posted this link: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2079098/Ben-Breedlove-Video-sick-teenager-life-1-week-died.html - please take a few minutes to go and read/watch the video attached to the story.

Basically, it's about a teenager who had a life-threatening heart condition and he shares his life story through a series of index cards. But the saddest part is that he talks about how he beat death twice - and made this video a week before he passed away right before Christmas.

It's a great story, and I say that because it's one of those things that gets your mind thinking about why we're all here. I'm a Christian, I think by now that's pretty obvious, and frequently I'm reminded through the happenings of life how amazing Christ really is. Sometimes - well, maybe a lot of times, I don't understand Him or the way He works... but I never doubt that what happens in my life happens because it is a part of what He wants for me. After watching the video, it made me start to think about the way I've been living my life.

I think the end of the year always affords you an opportunity to re-examine your priorities, your life, the way that you live and what you want to change. Fortunately in this life, like the way the quote goes - "It is never too late to become who you might have been." And watching this video, on the cusp of 2012, there are a few things I want to accomplish:

1. Renew my walk with Christ so that, once again, I'm on FIRE for him. I haven't been the most disciplined about keeping up with my bible study and prayer life, and even though there's nothing that requires this as a Christian, I notice a difference myself when I lose sight of this. I want to get back to it.

2. Continue to grow as a woman and continue to discover who I am, what I want, where I'm going. I've made so many changes the past year, letting go of a terrible relationship and growing my career so that it approaches the point where I want it to be. I've really grown to draw lines of what I will and will not accept, what qualities I value in people and what I do not, and be okay living in my skin.

3. Following 2, I want to settle into a meaningful relationship - and (God-willing), have it be my last. I've been doing the dating thing, learning what my priorities are in a relationship and a possible husband... and while it's been a lot of fun, I'm getting to the point where I'd really like to settle down with one man and work toward building a future with him. I have a lot of friends married, engaged, having kids, etc and while earlier this year that would've been what I didn't want... my thoughts are evolving and these days, I think I'm back to the place of being okay settling down with the right man and giving up the overflowing "black book."

4. And for perhaps the easiest and most attainable goal: get my gun license and concealed carry permit. I am 100% in support of the right to bear arms, and I can't wait to be able to boast that I've earned my permit.

Watching the video also made me reflect on my character. Recently, a friend very astutely called me out. He said that he could tell I have a sweet heart and when I joked with him that he just didn't know me, he called me out and said that he knows I do, but I have a tough facade I try to show to protect myself and that I'm not really that tough.

It shocked me... because he's right. I do have a very sweet heart, but through some of the trials of the last year I've found that I've really put up a lot of walls and for the life of me I cannot remember why I kept them up. I love people, I love relationships, but I am hyper-sensitive to letting people into my heart because of so many experiences I've had before and it's difficult to open up sometimes.

I want to get back to who I really am. Be genteel, a sweet and kind spirit that loves freely and trusts God to protect her. I really don't think I'm too far removed from this part of who I am, and I'm actually excited to get back to my roots...

I have a feeling that 2012 is going to be abundantly full of Christ and His blessings. Even now as I type, an excited feeling is overcoming me because I just know that He is going to become more visible to me and I can't wait for that to happen.

My wish? That you feel the freedom to re-examine where you stand and that you experience the desire to redirect life, if necessary. It is so liberating to be honest with yourself, even if it's not the prettiest picture, because when you're honest is when you free yourself to grow and change for the better.

I pray that you experience the Peace that Ben Breedlove felt when he had his near-death experiences, the same peace that I get when I decide I'm done trying and I hand it over to God. It's not easy for this fire-cracker, pistol, independent & stubborn woman to do - but in 2012, I'm letting go & letting God.

Talk soon.

Parting thought:

It's that place in our lives where what we've been hanging on to... clinging to for dear life... is stripped away. It's that place in us where we let go of what we know, what we think we know, and what we want and surrender to the unknown. It is the place of saying and meaning, 'I don't know.' It means standing there with our hands empty for a while, sometimes watching everything we wanted disappear: our self image, our definition of who we thought we should be, the clones we've created of ourselves, the people we thought we had to have, the things we thought were so important to collect and surround ourselves with, the job we were certain was ours, the place we thought we'd live in all our lives.. surrender control to the supreme wisdom and authority of God and to the Divine in your soul. Step into the void with courage. Learn to say, "I don't know." That's not blind faith. It's pure faith that will allow God and your spirit to lead you wherever your soul wants and needs to go - Melody Beattie, "Finding Your Way Home"

Have We Forgotten?

2011-09-11T20:38:00.002-07:00

One of my favorite books at one point was "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn." I don't know what it was, I think just the setting of the book (Brooklyn, early 1900s) fascinated me at an earlier age and I would daydream about what life had been like. I liked the irony of the title because it is rare to see a tree in the middle of Brooklyn that hasn't been planted in a pot. About a month ago, my little sister and I were in mid-town NYC walking to the Subway and I passed the flag above my head. I remembered that book and its title, and as the red, white, and blue flapped gracefully in the summer wind, it made me think of something else: September 11th was just around the corner. And I thought about how it felt to be standing underneath the flag, "a flag waves in Manhattan," with the anniversary of this day coming so quickly.

It's here now. And, as I am so incredibly blessed, I was able to spend the day surrounded by family and friends that love me. I laughed a lot and reflected a lot about this day 10 years ago - like many Americans have done and are doing today - and where I was. In typical Chid fashion, we sat around the dinner table and I said I felt like we should talk about our 9/11/01 experiences. Everyone shared their moment of horror, intense memories welling up as we reminisced about the day that changed our lives. I didn't know, but my mom's boyfriend had lost a dear friend as the Towers fell, and he told us about what that man had been life, a brand-new first time father that was slaving away in the top of one of the towers as it was attacked. And then, it was my turn.

We all have a story about that day. I won't share mine, but I will say I watched every single part of the attack literally from the moment of the first plane and on. I still to this day can't talk about the men and women shown, jumping out of the windows with debris falling around them, without bawling. Even as I type this, my heart aches knowing how much so many people lost on that day.

It would be so easy to turn this day into another politicalized one - but I won't. I won't because we don't need another day like that right now.

But I will tell you what occurred to me today as I looked around the table at my beautiful, invaluable family. There were tears tonight - but there was laughter. There was sadness and even some grief, but there was joy. But above all - there was Christ. My (soon to be step-) cousin wrote on his Facebook status that we need to forgive the terrorists, isn't that what Jesus would want? And in his young age of 17 - he's right. I did not personally lose anyone in the Twin Towers but I know many who did, and as I reflect on a day 10 years ago that was filled with so much hatred from the terrorists who hate America - I also remember the love that overcame it.

The father who ran back into the tower to help the kindergarden class touring the Towers on a field trip. The young man with the red bandanna who escorted victim after victim out of the burning building until the last one came out, without him. The fireman who worked the 24, 48, 72 consecutive hour shift because he wouldn't rest until his unit was complete and all his men were in their bunks. The mother of young children who kept it together when she realized her husband on the 78th floor hadn't been as fortunate as the other victims and wasn't coming home.

These were the patriots. These who gave their lives or changed their lives because they were called to something higher than serving their own interests and just leaving the building in time. They went back in and didn't think twice.

So the terrorists who thought they won because they took the lives of over 3,000 Americans? I have a message for you: You didn't win.

You lost - because we grew stronger. 10 years later and we will still remember. We will still have our flag memorials in honor of lives lost. We will still volunteer and serve just to do something. We will still bow our heads to pray to the God that IS a peaceful God, the one who saved us when you tried so hard to destroy us. We will still raise the red, white, and blue and fly it as high as we can because you didn't destroy our spirit - you solidified it. Every year, the memory of that day fades a little more into the daily pattern of our lives but it will not disintegrate. We will never let go and we will never forget.

Because this country and her people are rooted on a foundation based on the biblical principles of Jesus Christ. We forgive, not because we want to, but because we are called to. And we refuse to give you any more control over how we feel or what we do - because we live life according to what He calls us to do, not how we feel.

As we part our ways on this 10th Anniversary of 9/11, may we always remember - john 15.13 "there is no greater sacrifice than a man who lays down his life for his brother."

To the American patriots who gave the greatest sacrifice: we will never forget.

there's beauty in the breakdown.

2011-07-24T19:13:00.004-07:00

There are so many thoughts running through my mind and my heart right now - but as I've had this blog post simmering on the backburner of my mind for the past few weeks, I have to share something God has really been impressing on me:

Run to me.

Run for dear life

when life threatens to drag you down.

Run to me when you are overwhelmed,

When your heart aches and your soul is weary.

Run to me when you have nowhere to go,

When the walls feel like they're closing in.

Run to me when you can't run away from me any more.

Run to me, Beloved, and I will rescue you.

I don't know if that has any meaning for you, but it's become my lifeline. I have to share something with you. I have been to the Blue Ridge in Boone so many times I can't even tell you - it's where my sister took the picture above this. Sometimes, I find a rock to sit on and I just breathe in what I see. Have you ever hiked to the top of a mountain before? Especially in the winter, when you look around all you see are peak and valley after peak and valley. Sometimes I literally can't breath because I am so overtaken with awe by the scenery and the majesty around me.

My God is like those mountains: limitless. Awe-inspiring and yet very commanding because of the quiet power that sits in those blues and greens that rest quietly for hundreds of years. They are steadfast: they don't go anywhere, you can always count on them to be there when you take your trip and hike to the highest points they offer.

I'm going through a tough time right now. I have shared with you over the past few weeks that I have chosen to give up everything my heart desires to chase God with wild abandon, seeking Him as my life's love and giving up all the "rights" I thought I had for anything more until He gives it to me. It's been the most painful season of my life because I am giving up the very deepest desires of my heart to follow Him - the desire to find true love.

I use this blog as a way to be transparent on this journey in life so that if anyone else goes through something difficult, they can see they aren't alone. So it is that transparency that drives me to tell you that all I've ever wanted in life is to get married and have my own family. I think there's something about that dream that's ingrained in most women from birth, but I have wanted it for so long that it's just a part of who I am. And the breakup I had a few weeks ago has been hard because I really thought he was The One.

He's a great guy but he isn't The One for me - at least not at this moment in our lives. And when I realized that, I also realized I'm done trying to find that man on my own. God will bring him to me when I'm ready, and until then, it's time to give God a chance to win my heart - and keep it. Maya Angelou said "A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her," and I couldn't agree more.

But are we really strong enough to let go of those desires and trust God? I was at the Christian bookstore a few weeks ago buying my new bible study, and I picked up a book called "The Heart Of A Woman." A quote in it tugged at the strings of my heart because it's so true:

"... I didn't feel like I was growing as a woman.

I just felt tired. Like Snow White, my heart fell into a deep slumber.

I know I am not alone in this either.

As woman we still long for intimacy and adventure;

each of us longs to be the Beauty of some great story."

How true is that? Don't we really, truly want to be honored and treasured like the star of a great love story? And if that's at the root of who we are as women - how do we just let those desires go?

You realize that it's much better to be the Beauty of God's love story than your own, and that once we fall in love with Him it'll be so much easier to fall in love with the Right One, when God leads him to us. It'll happen if and when it's supposed to, no matter if we do anything or not. Nothing we can do will rush this part of God's plan for our lives, so embrace the precious time you have now to fall in love with Christ so that that love and that strong foundation lasts through all of the rest of life's peaks and valleys. Because they will come, and it's so much better to live a life based on a solid walk with Christ because he leads us through the dark times and the good, the sweet, joy-filled moments and the ones where our heart breaks.

I was recently talking to my oldest brother about some discouragement I've been dealing with, and he said something so true to me: he said "this is like when you break a bone, and you didn't have it set right the first time so it has to be re-broken so it can heal correctly." Sometimes when God wants us to learn something and we haven't, he'll try again and the second time around it may hurt more. This is NOT because he's an unkind or harsh God - it's because he loves us so much and he wants us to grow so much that knowing how headstrong we are, he knows it'll take a little more to get our attention.

When you were young and you broke a rule, Mom and Dad punished you. When did you learn the lesson: when you were sent to a corner, or when they lightly slapped you on the hand and you tried it again? Sometimes it takes a time-out for it to sink in, and I will just say this: I'm so thankful I have a God who loves me enough to keep trying to teach me the lesson he wants me to learn. Because even though it's painful now, I have absolutely no doubt that when I look back to this season of my life after some time has passed, I will remember the pain but I will also whole-heartedly remember how close I drew to Him as my heart broke, and how much I learned about his love, intense and undying, that he has for me.

I'd pick a love like that any day. Give me Jesus.

Parting thought:

"But now, God's message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob, the one who got you started, Israel: "Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end - because I am God, your personal God, the Holy of Israel, your savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That's how much you mean to me! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you" - Isaiah 43:1-4, The Message

Talk soon.

Its A Revolution

2011-07-03T13:29:00.007-07:00

Obedience.

What does this word really mean? When we're kids, it means that when our parents say the word "no," either we push back if we're really strong-willed and independent, or we know it means shape up quickly or we'll lose something we don't want to give up. As adults, it becomes a slightly stranger concept because a lot of people don't feel like they have anyone they really need to answer to - unless you're a Christian. "Okay... what does that mean?" you may wonder.

Well, as a Christian, you recognize God as the authority figure in your life and when you accept Him as savior, you also accept His will as final and superior to your own. Even a strong Christian struggles with this sometimes, and in my quest to stay transparent I wanted to let you in on my journey.

Literally, obedience means the act or practice of obeying; dutiful or submissive compliance. But it means so much more to me now than it ever has. Many of you may have known I've been dating someone for the past (nearly) 10 months. We had SO much in common, but as time went on, I began to feel as though the relationship became something that wasn't right for me, at least not right now. I will love him because of what he was to my life, but as I began to sense a shift in my heart about how I felt in the relationship, I felt more distant from God and I knew that was heading toward a danger zone. No one is perfect in their walk, but as a Christian of many years, when I began to hear Him less and feel Him less, I change what I'm doing and correct the situation. I prayed for weeks that God would give me wisdom about what decision to make and that he would make it unmistakable to me. (For those of you who do not know me very well, I'm incredibly headstrong and it isn't difficult for me to convince people to see my side of an argument!) I didn't want to disobey God, and I knew what that request meant.

I'd been dating him for 10 months, and it was about the time when women start to re-examine the relationship and evaluate if it's heading somewhere serious or if maybe things need to be re-evaluated. My parents had a messy divorce when I was young and I will not repeat their mistakes, so I take my relationships probably a little more seriously than a lot of people my age and I think about things a lot more than my incredibly impulsive peers.

I began to feel less peace in my spirit and more and more distance from my ex. When that happened, I couldn't mistake what God had laid upon my heart - He was calling me to trust him and step out in obedience. It's the great and the difficult thing about God. He wants ALL of you to himself and he will not compromise. He won't settle for a sliver of your soul, he wants all of it. And for the first time in my life - I wanted to give Him everything! My hopes, my dreams, my deepest desires - including marriage, which is a sacred hope to most women. When my God knocked on the door of my heart, I flung open the door and told him to redecorate and spring clean however he wanted.

It's been difficult, but so incredibly rewarding. I had lost parts of who I was, which was the worst part because I really do love who I am. My middle name is Joy, and I know that when my relationship with God is where I want it to be, I live that out loud. Trusting God's will for me and knowing he's got something great in store for me has made this process so much more intimate for me as I really dig into the Scriptures and my bible study and church sermons to search for Him and his presence even more than I ever have.

Once I decided to repurpose my life on that night when I ended things, I reached out to both my pastor and one of my dearest friends (and accountability partner) at church, asking them about what Obedience really means to a Christian. I had been told once that it is okay to petition God to ask Him for things when you "obey him" and give something up. That was a little skewed to what "rights" we really have as Christians. The answer to that is simple: none.

We can't expect or demand things of God. I'm sure he has a nice laugh when we do, because that's not how this faith thing works. Well, when he calls us to something and we obey, what can we expect?

1. Sometimes it can hurt. Okay, a lot of times it hurts. But that's just because our will for our lives is often not what God's will for our lives turns out to be, and that pain comes from letting go of what our heart longs for and asking for God to replace it with what HE wants for us instead. The transition aches but it is ultimately SO incredibly worth it, because what we'll get in return is what is right for us.

2. According to my sweet sister, obedience is a lot about perspective. We can't ever really sacrifice enough for God. It isn't about giving and taking - it's about God's name being glorified. Ultimately, our lives are not our own anyway if we're living them for Christ.

3. Last: Psalm 30:5. "For his anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning." Joy! It's coming! Defined as a source of cause of delight, when you have a Christ-given joy, it spills out of you. It's contagious, like laughter at an inside joke with a best friend, or a story recounted to family that gets everyone going. People feel it and people crave it, just like happiness and peace. It's okay to have a period of time to grieve if you're giving up something that you really held close to your heart, but isn't it so much better to receive God-given joy in return?

I think so. I have a new song in my heart today that isn't going away - I prayed and prayed that God would fill my cup to overflowing and he has answered my prayer. I may have a moment here or there where my heart aches for what I deeply desire - an amazing relationship with a Godly man, a family - but in His time, I will get all of that and it is going to be SO amazing!

This morning in church we sang "Oh How He Loves Us." The worship was so powerful tears crowded under my lashes and I fought to not let them spill out at these beautiful words:

And we are His portion and He is our prize

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes

If his grace is an ocean, we're all sinking

Imagine that. To be totally overtaken by an intense love so powerful God would do anything for us that we ask of His will... friends, until you discover the redemption of your life, it's hard to understand how it feels, but all I can tell you is that it has been So worth it to pursue Christ. My pastor said today that sometimes God pulls back from us in certain circumstances so that we will pursue Him more. When you abandon everything and run after Him, the reward is so rich all you'll care about is spending more time with Him.

Take my bet. Try it for yourself. And when you come out the other side, we'll talk ;)

Talk soon.

Parting thought:

After every dark age, there's a renaissance - David Neipert

Abba, Papa, Daddy, Father

2011-06-25T08:11:00.004-07:00

One night a few weeks ago, I was driving home in the dark and we were having a fantastic lightening storm. I remember when I was a kid, my parents would take all 4 of us outside with popcorn and blankets to our wrap-around front porch and the 6 of us would watch the lightening dance across the Carolina sky: purples, blues, and even reds displaying a scene across the natural canvas unlike anything I'd ever seen. And watching the lightening storm a few weeks ago, summer air buzzing with electricity and rushing into my open windows, I reflected upon my life. The past few months have been a little hard. To confess, I lost sight of my relationship with Christ and I've felt a discernable shift in my attitude and my heart. The great news is that with my God, there is always redemption! No matter how far away I fall I can ALWAYS come back. And in watching that lightening storm, I felt my story playing out across the heavens. With each flash, the darkness of the world around me was illuminated and I saw trees, houses, roads and other cars as though it was daytime - and once the strike had ended, I was plunged back into a barely lit scenery.

It hit me, hard, that life is like a lightening storm. As we pass through the path of life, our attention staid to the center and (often in our own might), trying to not look left or stumble right, the darkness around us is lit up with flashes of God's brilliance, showing us what's around us for just a moment so that we keep on going.

We have so much to be thankful for, so many things of praise that should be exiting our lips and falling upon God's ears - but it is SO easy to get distracted and caught up in the things of this world. That is what I've done. As I struggled with life through different - and not uncommon - obstacles, my attention was focused more on what was around me off the path, and not on realizing that no matter what was to the side, what was in front of me straight ahead was much better.

Through the love of an always faithful father who will pursue me until I walk the streets of Gold beside him, I have realized my error and have wholeheartedly given myself back to that straight path. No use in beating myself up about anything, because God only cares that we want Him again. I'm doing a Beth Moore bible study called "A Heart Like His," and it is amazing because it seems like even if days or weeks pass before I do a lesson, the one I open my page to is exactly what I need! (God's funny like that, isn't he?) I did one two nights ago about how God blesses and honors the obedient, those who realize they can't live a life without Him and want nothing more than for Him to rescue them from their decisions.

As always with both bible studies and reading the Word in general, several verses stick out to me. If you have a second to read an amazing book of scripture, open your bible to 2 Samuel 22. It's in the Old Testament, and it is so moving with the encouragement it contains. A little background on it: David is crying out and praising God for God's saving of him from Saul and his other enemies. What I read moved me so much because I have been in his place, suddenly freed from the grips of something that felt so large I would never escape it. Friends, I hope the following versus bless your heart as much as they saved mine!

v7: In my distress I called upon the Lord, to my God I called. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry came to his ears.

v17-20: He reached from on high, he took me, he drew me out of mighty waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy, from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me. They came upon me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my stay. He brought me out into a broad place, he delivered me, because he delighted in me.

And the one verse that soothed my soul:

v31: This God - his way is perfect; the promise of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all who take refuge in him.

The Message, which is a modern day Bible, states redemption this way:

v21-25: God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I cleaned up my act, he gave me a fresh start. Indeed, I've kept alert to God's ways, I haven't taken God for granted. Every day I review the way he works, I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together and I'm watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

and my favorite! v29-31: Suddenly, God, your light floods my path, God drives out the darkness. I smash the bands of marauders, I vault the high fences. What a God! His road stretches straight and smooth. Every God-direction is road-tested. Everyone who runs toward him makes it.

Just like those lightening storms where everything is dark, God will give us bursts of his presence that light our way - when we seek him. I'd choose a light lit with his Glory any day over a life lived in darkness, running into obstacles at every turn because I have nothing to light my path.

Friend, I don't know where you are on your journey with Him, but I will tell you where I am on mine. I've reclaimed my place on my path to Him in this life, giving up my desires every day and taking up my cross to live a life governed by HIS desires, not mine. I've tried to do things "my way or the highway," and I tell you that resulted in a big crash!

Joshua 1:7 states "Only be strong and courageous, be careful to act in accordance with the law that my servant Moses commanded you, do not turn from it to the right or to the left, so that you may be successful wherever you go."

Stay on the path where you seek Him, where you desire His will, and your life will be filled with more joy and peace than anything you'd ever be able to find on your own. Coming from a self-professed head-strong independent woman, when I have sacrificed my will and asked God for his, the peace that came to my soul made me realize how much I had been missing by not relying on God to provide direction to me.

No matter what you think you can do on your own, God's provision for you will put it to shame! Why not try it and see where it takes you?

Go grab some popcorn and a blanket, sit on the front porch and watch the strikes of light of God's glory light your path. The view is spectacular when you get to enjoy it, rather than create it.

Talk soon.

A little boy was eagerly looking forward to the birthday party of a friend who lived only a few blocks away. When the day finally arrived, a blizzard made the sidewalks and roads nearly impassable. The lad’s father, sensing the danger, hesitated to let his son go. The youngster reacted tearfully. “But Dad,” he pleaded, “all the other kids will be there. Their parents are letting them go.” The father thought for a moment, then replied softly, “All right, you may go.” Surprised but overjoyed, the boy bundled up and plunged into the raging storm. The driving snow made visibility almost impossible, and it took him more than half an hour to trudge the short distance to the party. As he rang the doorbell, he turned briefly to look out into the storm. His eye caught the shadow of a retreating figure. It was his father. He had followed his son’s every step to make sure he arrived safely.

He's never too far away to protect you.

Mephibosheth

2011-03-08T06:31:00.003-07:00

Friends!

It has been far too long since I last wrote here and shared my heart with you. So much has happened over the past little while and I have much to share. I started at my new job, recently bought a new car, and have really settled into my new career and accepted all of the rippling changes that were caused.

Because this is a forum of honesty (at least on my behalf!) I want to share with you some of what I'm struggling with. I have a terrible track record of staying consistent in my bible study and going to church every single Sunday. I know our relationship with Christ is all about choice, so I'll admit I haven't made the best ones to pursue my growth in the relationship I do have with him. However, through encouragement from my pastor and his AMAZING wife, I have come to realize how vital both parts of the equation can be. I have vowed to change this, and so when I found myself with some free time this morning before an appointment, I decided to have some quiet time with the main man in my life.

The story was about David, and how he desperately wanted to find someone in Saul's family to uplift and restore with his kingdom, in honor of his friend Jonathan. His servant suggested Saul's son Mephibosheth, who happened to be lame in his legs. David welcomed Mephibosheth to eat at his table as his son, and restored not only his name but also Saul's kingdom to him and his lineage.

Those of you who know me know I love any story of Redemption (hence my ink). What better redemption than for a man to have his shame removed and his name restored? The part of the story that brought tears to my eyes (and cheeks) was when this crippled man fell to his knees in front of David and asked why David wanted anything to do with him, who he called lower than the dogs. Can you imagine that? Beth Moore, who writes my bible study, painted a picture of the pain that it would have taken for this shamed, humiliated man to bend his broken knees and fall to the ground. And to consider himself so low that he wasn't worthy of looking at David - just because of a decision someone in his family made.

I mention this story this morning because of the truth behind this man, and what it taught me about Christ and his unending love for us, totally devoid of any requirements. The literal comparison is that no matter WHAT mistakes we made or someone made that affected us, it does not lower our worth in the slightest. Not one bit. Your parents could have done something to hurt you or change your life, a friend could have wronged you, you could have made a misstep in this journey we call life that you aren't proud of - but none of it matters, because God wants to welcome us to his table again and restore our name.

I can't think of a more wonderful way to be accepted by Christ - can you? "Hey, I know you lied/deceived/didn't give 100% of yourself on that project, but hey- it's okay! I know you, I know who you are, and I love you. Come sit with me, you're family!" To see, hear, and feel love like that... I mean how can you describe it?

I'll be honest, there are days when I feel totally ugly inside and I wonder how my family can love me. I think we're all like that sometimes, because we are not perfect people and we will make mistakes, sometimes those mistakes will hurt others and we'll be even harder on ourselves. But how about this neverending, unconditional forgiveness and acceptance that we have just waiting on us? I don't know about you, but knowing Christ loves me no matter what has saved me so many times from beating myself up.

I want to share one more piece of information from my study this morning. Mehibosheth literally translates to mean "shame destroyer" or "image breaker." His shame was broken, just like ours is and can be - do not let the fear of asking for redemption or help stop you from reaching out to God. I picture him as this loving dad waiting in a waiting room for you to say something to him that resembles and invitation or a plea and he rushes in to where you are just so he can save you. Imagine a love like that being only a call away, all the time! I'll take it!

What do I hope you take away from this? Call out. Don't be scared to call out. With every breath you take, remember who gives it to you and who wants to give you SO much more... and remind yourself that you are worth it.

Parting thought:

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Galatians 2:20

Talk soon.

Te Amo

2010-11-20T08:31:00.003-07:00

There are things in this life that somehow manage to knock me off my feet and leave me shaking my head to figure out what happened.

I can never forget my daily battle with skin cancer. That's kind of a given. But whenever I hear that someone I love, or even that I know, has cancer... something really just hits me to my core and it takes me a little longer than most to process the news.

A good friend of mine died last week of colon cancer. He was so young, in his 70's, and in my mind - too young to have to surrender the battle to this terrible disease. He was a good man, he worked with me at my (now old) job in the mailroom, and was the biggest source of encouragement in my battle of skin cancer. I remember with fondness all of the times he would come to my desk, knowing that I had an upcoming biopsy or recurring visit, and he'd always ask me in his thick Cuban accent, "What day do you go?" I'd answer a day or two ahead and he'd say "You will win. I know this, you will be fine. But I will pray." And he'd go on about his day like he hadn't just renewed my spirits in my fight.

He would always do that, sometimes two or three times a day - speak a word of victory over me as I prepared myself to mentally revisit the lion's den to see if my battle had been extended out again. I will never forget how I felt as I watched him walk away - that I had someone really in my corner, who understood. It may not sound like he did much, but what he did helped me more than what most people tried to say. He got it. He was in his own battle, and he knew what I needed to hear. Not ask me how I felt, not ask details of the procedure, just a simple, matter-of-fact statement and he was gone.

When I got the news he passed, I felt like my gut had been punched. Juan had been sick for awhile and I'd never made it to his house, life got in the way and I didn't make time like I now wish I had. Life is full of 20/20 hindsight, and I had to learn a powerful lesson with the passing of my friend. But I was able to go and say goodbye to him in the hospital, and while there I told him how much of an encouragement he'd been in my life, and how he was such a good man and it had been an honor to know him.

As I reflect on this recent loss, it's natural to examine my life as a whole. Juan left a legacy, he's literally one of two people I've lost who I knew with absolute certainty where they were going. It gives me peace knowing he isn't suffering any longer, in fact he's walking with our Father and he's loving every minute of it. I will see him again in a time not too far away, so for now, my pain and sadness are for my loss, not his. But I think about the people in my life... all of the ones who are beside me, loving me, day in and day out.

I think about a very large change I'm about to endure. I've procured a new position with the American Cancer Society - and for those of you who know me even for a few days, you know how perfect this job will be for me. Especially with losing Juan, and my grandfather over 15 years ago to prostate cancer, this fight is personal. I'm ready to get out there and make a difference - and finally be able to channel my passion to fight this disease.

But I also think about my life as a whole. Am I where I want to be? Am I a person I would want to get to know if I were someone else? Losing Juan really did shake me, and I've been a little unsure over the past few days about the path I'm about to embark on. I do know a few things.

I'm in love, a deep and healthy love, with a wonderful man. He is everything I've ever wanted, and even on our worst days, I can't imagine my life without him. We know with certainty we want a future together, so these days I'm just relaxing into our relationship and enjoying him for the amazing person he is, inside and out.

I seriously have a phenomenal family. My parents have always stuck by me, even when I'm sure I drove them crazy with my antics (ha), but they've been so strong for me over the past 25 years of my life and I could not be more blessed. My brothers and sisterS are amazing, and my brother's girlfriend is like another sister to me. My family is probably the best in the world (I know I'm biased, but I'm just saying!)

And my friends. I've reconnected with several college girlfriends and we have too much fun... and aside from them, I've made some awesome friendships (and I love my best friend, even if she's in Boston, eww).

I've gone through patches that weren't easy in life, I've been miserable in my job for a long time, but now with all of these new opportunities and the people I have by my side, I can't wait for a new chapter. And as I think about my dear friend and where he has gone before me, all I can say to you all is just one thing: Carpe diem! Seize this day, because time is fleeting and its so important to cherish what and who we have, while we have it. You never know when time will run out and we will be called home.

Parting thought:

Don't ever spend one minute of your time wishing your life away. Tomorrow will be here before you know it - Laura Kealy Widdows (love&miss you, mm&pp)

Talk soon.

What Is Love?

2010-10-16T17:55:00.009-07:00

What is true love?

I'm sitting here in my sunroom, watching my father and my sweet boyfriend smoking a cigar and relaxing just a few hours after one of my dearest best friends has gotten married. I'm thinking about what it takes to really understand that word: love.

When I saw Kim walk down the aisle (yes, her name is Kim, too!), tears came to my eyes as I thought about what she was walking toward. Obviously, her (now) husband Matt, but it's more than that. It's coming home at the end of a long day to a comforting hug and the stability t of knowing you always have love waiting on you. It's a warm hand and a kiss on a cold winter night, someone who will always run and get you a glass of ice water when you're too warm in bed to go get it. It's someone to vent to, someone to lean on when you can't stand on your own, and in my case tonight, someone to sit by your side as you share in the joy of the ones you love.

I'm in love, friends. A good man came into my life in March of this year, and when he did everything I knew to be true, changed.

We tried to be friends, but we're so compatible it intimidated me a little and for awhile I pushed him away. It wasn't until I grew up a little that I realized what I had in Craig, and we reconnected this summer. Once we reconnected, it was like no time had passed, and we've been dating ever since that day.

He's calm where I'm emotional. He reminds me to show grace and patience when I'm angry, and he's the voice of reason when I can't hear anything but the rush of the situation. I look up to him a lot, not as a best friend, but as a man of God with an amazing heart for service and love for other people. If there was a wish list of things I'd ask God for when I was growing up, he hits every item - and he's handsome to boot.

So now that I've found the man I want to spend the rst of my life with, I just think about what I always thought love was. When you're younger, it's passing notes and a date to the movies on Friday. In college, you think it's the most earth-shattering thing when your study group partner asks you to hit up the Pike party on Saturday night. But now that I'm graduated, settled into a career and watching my dear friends get married and start families of their own, it hits me: love's nothing like I ever thought it would be.

Before, I wasn't in love. I was in like, a cheap imitation of the real thing. But now, with Craig, I know I'm in love. And true love is work. It's hard, sometimes it's frustrating and a lot of the time it's challenging. But, it is always worth it. There is not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for bringing Craig into my life, because even our most difficult days are still infinitely better than the days I spent without him. I've grown to become a better woman than I thought I could be, and I owe that to both him and Jesus Christ. Not only do I have an awesome boyfriend, but I've been given an amazing best friend, and I know he's one of a kind.

I look forward to a lot in my life these days. I've been cancer free for NINE MONTHS already (praise you, Jesus!) - which is so huge!! I have some amazing friendships in my life with women who have blessed me beyond any friendships I've had before. My family is so supportive and loving - and I'm blessed with a job. My relationship with Craig is another great element to life, and as we work toward and build a future together, I'm remember the broken roads it took for me to get here... all the times I prayed to God that he would just give me the patience to wait for the man who would be worth it all... March 20th, he answered that prayer - and I'm going to be forever thankful for the man he provided.

My hope is that you, friend, wait for the real thing, not the "counterfeit," like my mom calls them. The counterfeit is never worth the sacrifice, and patience is always rewarded when you seek what God wants for you. Here's to your happiness!

Parting thought:

The worst thing you can do to true love is deny it; so when you find that special someone, don't let anyone or anything get in your way - Anonymous.

Talk soon.

What Do You Value?

2010-07-26T17:36:00.008-07:00

I'm sitting here on the one lazy night I'm going to have this week, preparing to move and watching a tv show called "Cut Off." Essentially it's a group of spoiled women who are being threatened with getting cut off from their wealthy families unless they shape up. The challenge they had to complete in the episode I was watching was cook a meal and serve a group of homeless men. Of course they weren't crazy about it, one girl even said she felt like homeless people were "scary," and complained the entire time she was cooking the meal. Their attitudes didn't change until they sat down with the men and heard their stories. One woman in particular was moved to tears hearing about how one man didn't let his daughters know he was homeless because he intended to work hard enough to move himself out of poverty.

As I pack up my life into cardboard boxes, and I look around at my room and see all of the belongings that I'm blessed to be able to have been able to buy, my heart aches. How many of us don't realize how blessed we are to have what we have until we hear the story of how someone truly has nothing? I'm sure that the producers of the show didn't intend to make everyone cry who watched that episode, but I can't help but to wonder how many people live in total oblivion of what God's given them while people live outside our homes, in our alleyways, under our bridges, starving - overheating, dehydrated, without proper clothing and a lot of times, sick. Who is supposed to look out for these down and out brothers and sisters of ours? If not us, who will?

So I've been thinking a lot lately about what I truly hold dear to my heart, what I'd grab if I had 30 seconds to get out of a burning house. First, as evident by the picture above of my big brother John and I - my family. I can't even describe how much my family means to me, and how I don't know what I'd do without them. I pray every day I don't have to find out. Next, my dog Orion. She's getting older and I love nothing to more than to spend time in my car, driving with the windows down and her little head poking out over the car door with her ears flying in the wind... or cuddling and watching a movie on a rainy day. This little dog brings so much joy to me I can't even explain it - (seriously if you have a dog, you understand!) I also have some absolutely amazing friends... there are a few in particular that I know I can call in the middle of the night and they'll jump in a car (or on a plane) and be at my doorstep in a few minutes.

That's what I value. Above all else, I value my walk with Jesus Christ because He is my best friend, my savior, and the reason why I am the woman I am today. As time passes and life gets more difficult and complicated, my solution gets easier because I am conditioning myself to turn to Him and give it to Him because I can't do it on my own. One day, he'll bring me a husband, and I pray every day that he and I can root our relationship in the love of Christ, together.

All of this aside, I still think about those who aren't as fortunate as you and I are. We have a roof over our heads, food to eat, clothes to wear, AIR CONDITIONING to keep us cool... but what about those who don't? The Bible has a few different views on this particular thought:

There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore, I command you to be openhearted toward your brothers and toward the poor and needy in your land -

Deuteronomy 15:11

Because I rescued the poor who cried for help, and the fatherless who had none to assist him - Job 29:12

What these verses are saying is that God did it. God reached out and bound the brokenhearted, giving the lost direction and the starving food. He met them where they were, broken and bleeding, and restored them to their full potential.

Why don't we live our lives like this? More selfless, less materialistic. When you see a brother starving and hungry on the side of the road, don't turn our head and look away to avoid eye contact. Go buy some food, a Gatorade, and bring it to him. I felt so convicted watching the men on the show talk about how they'd been sons of businessmen, forging ahead in their own careers, and then ended up where they were on the show. It made me really thankful, but with a caveat.

If you know me, you know that I 100% believe in working hard and doing your own part. No one should ever get a free ride for anything. No one deserves it, no one is at a disadvantage in this country, I don't buy it and I don't feel bad for anyone except those who are truly, physically incapable of working. We all come into this world the same way and we'll all leave the same way, your life is what you make it. But that doesn't mean that we should ever refuse to help someone because we don't agree with their life choices. If nothing else, that difference should encourage us to help them because it will give us an opportunity to understand and learn something new.

In short, we need to give back. In the book of Mark, blind Bartimaeus heard Jesus coming down a path and cried out, "Jesus, son of David, help me! Jesus, son of David, HELP ME!" over and over until the same villagers who had mocked and ignored him were beckoning to him to come to Jesus as Jesus called him. He had nothing, not even any pride, and he was given everything because he reached out to the one who had everything to give.

Sometimes we all feel like we don't have what we need to make it, and that's okay. We're entitled to have bad days, days where we just don't feel like we have enough to give - but on those days its even more vital to remember how blessed we are, and to keep life in perspective. I want to encourage you, in times where the economy, our government, our neighbors and our friends are struggling to make the bills, to make ends meet - in the words of Andrea Chidester, "It won't always be this way." Have faith that the storm will clear, and you will be able to breathe again. God has been, is, and will forever be faithful to you and all you need - He sees you struggle. All you have to do is ask for Him and he will be there!

Parting thought:

What is the price of two sparrows - one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your father knowing it - Matthew 10:29.

Talk soon.

The Battle

2010-06-14T18:21:00.006-07:00

There's a song that we sing at my church every so often. Usually we happen to sing it on a day when I have something weighing on my heart - which, these days, seems to be every Sunday. As soon as I hear our worship leader start to strum his guitar, my breath leaps out of my lungs and it hits me right in my heart.

The lyrics are incredibly simple, but they're so beautiful (I suggest checking out the link and listening along with these lyrics [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoUy88Pcf90]:

I will exalt You
I will exalt You
I will exalt You
You are my God

Chorus:
My hiding place My safe refuge
My treasure Lord You are
My friend and King Anointed One
Most Holy.

Verse 2:
Because You’re with me
Because You’re with me
Because You’re with me
I will not fear

Literally, when I hear that first word, I can't even talk. I can't sing, all I can do is raise my hands and let the tears run over my cheeks. If someone were to ask me why, I would have one word for them: reverence. Merriam-Webster dictionary defines "reverence" in this way: honor or respect felt or shown, especially : profound adoring awed respect.

What better way to express my love for my God than with that description?: profound, adoring, awe. I'm overcome with love for Him, and at that moment, the worship service instantly becomes a time for me to break in front of my father.

I share this experience with you to tell you about what I've been learning lately. I know it's been awhile since I posted, but I think it's because I've been a work in progress and God and I haven't finished the draft yet. At least not until now, where I can share with you the journey I've taken the past few weeks.

I have had some peaks and some valleys. Largest praise is that I received an "all's clear" cancer biopsy result, so that makes it 5 months without a cancer spell (Praise the LORD!) That's been my main source of encouragement. The rest has felt like one valley after another. I've been feeling an urgency in my heart to make some serious changes in my life, the largest of which is to put my relationship with Jesus Christ at the forefront of my heart and my life. Put him first. Make choices to honor Him. Let go of what I want and instead, pray that he changes my heart to desire what He wants for me. It's not easy - there are times when I want to just cut loose and not think about consequences. The world would tell me that's okay, I'm young, do what I want now and think about the consequences later.

Therein lies the problem - I'm not here to honor the world. I'm here to live a life that honors God, and I'm realizing the more I put him off, the more valleys will place themselves in my path. And as I've been thinking about life over the past few months, a few things and a few lessons have stuck out to me - lessons I want to share with you.

For one, alongside the valleys, God prunes us. My mom and a friend of hers were talking to me one night when I had a breakdown. I tragically lost two people in my family a few years ago, and I saw someone that looked like one of them a few weeks ago. All of my walls came crashing down and I relived the loss of that family member all over again... as I sat at my house, on my couch, pouring out my heart to my mom, her friend, and my heavenly Father, my mom pointed something out to me that's stuck with me: Life is a pruning process.

When a gardener has a flower that's maturing, he doesn't prune the leaves to hurt the plant or to change its appearance for vanity. Absolutely not - the purpose of pruning is to remove the dead weight and decay and create new room for growth of new shoots, leaves, and ability for the plant to breathe. That's what this life is - some people also call this process growing pains. I agree with both. As we learn and grow as people, we will hit brick walls. We will find that there are situations we cannot work ourselves out of... and the point is because we are supposed to come back and ask God to do it for us. He's a loving God but he doesn't go where he isn't invited. He waits for us to pick up the phone, dial his number, where he's waiting beside it like an eager child waits for an invitation to a summer pool party - he answers and excitedly says "You need me? I'd love to help!" But he won't ever force himself on us. What we don't know is that that one phone call is all we need to bring us out of our trials - how easy should it be to hit the ground with our knees and cry out to the one who's always waiting? But too often pride, arrogance, "independent strength" and just plain bullheadedness get in the way and we try to do it on our own strength, which inevitably fails.

that's where I am today. I've tried too hard, for too long, to carry a weight that's too much for me. There is an AMAZING book called Grace Walk by Steve McVey, and in it he says something that's stuck with me for several years. He answers the age old question "Does God give us more than we can handle?" with something very direct: Yes, he does.

A lot of you may go "Now wait a minute, I thought there was that saying that states: 'God never gives us more than we can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much!' "- but therein lies the problem. God knows we're insufficient on our own to solve our problems. The point is that he gives us more than we can handle to show us that we need him, and he's there waiting when we realize we're unable to do it on our own. Some people may not agree with me, and that's totally fine - you don't have to. I know it's been true every day of my life. I can't fight cancer. I couldn't deal with the loss of my family members on my own. I can't find the perfect man for me. I can't succeed in a world based on superficial measures of success. I can't solve my relationship or friendship problems with supernatural wisdom - but God can. God can do all of this, and when you partner with him, he says "Hey, let me help you with that" - and because he Is sufficient, he can solve the problems.

In my Beth Moore bible study Jesus, The One And Only, one quote jumped out at me last night: "One thing about God, we can always depend on Him to turn the lights back on." It's like at the end of seeing a scary movie in a theater: once the lights come back on, you realize it was all pretend and you can go home and sleep safely in your bed. You don't live in the alternate reality of that horror movie. Just like that, when the trial is over - God will turn on the lights. He won't forsake you and leave you behind, he stays until the very last battle has been won and then he carries you home, beaten and bruised from the battle and he tends to your wounds.

I went to dinner tonight with my sister (in law, for technicality's sake) and my beautiful mother. Talking to them, I had a revelation in my own right that made me very proud of myself. A year and a half, two years ago, going through a discouraging time would've had me doubt the character of Jesus Christ. I would've had the fleeting thought "Why is God doing this to me?" But as I think about the pain that I've gone through the last few months - all I can think about is how much I know, without any doubts, my Faithful Father loves me. The Bible and my Beth Moore study teach that the name "Abba" for Jesus Christ "acquired the warm, familiar ring which we may feel in such an expression of 'dear father.' " I call Christ my Faithful Father because that's what He's been to me. When this entire world has walked out, he stuck it out with me. There's a quote that says "A true friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out" - but what about the friend who never leaves?

I know that what I'm going through will be redeemed, that He will rescue me when it gets to be too much and I can only cry out for him to save me. I don't blame him, I cry out to him. And that difference makes my heart swell with love for him because I know that I know him. I know what he wants for me, what he thinks of me, and I can rest in knowing that no matter how far away I fall or how confused I get with this life, he's going to rescue me. It's not an "if," it's a "when." If this life was an easy lesson, who would want to learn? Where would the challenge be?

This past week, my pastor spoke about Joshua and the Israelites, and how Joshua attacked them in the night. I got an image of a small army of men descending, wrapped in the dark hush of night, upon men that were outnumbered by the thousands - because they knew these men had the strength of God, the Bible says the enemy ran from the Israelites. I saw this in my mind, and I realized that when God did that hundreds of years ago, he was also making a statement that would resound in our lives today about our problems, our struggles, our personal demons. Do you know what that statement was?

I will send them running.

I just see Christ: determined look, fire in his eyes, sleeves rolled up as his fists are clenched and he stands beside us, his body towering over ours like we are small children, watching our problems high-tail it away from us as his jaw is flexed and he says that with the utmost power and authority: Do not doubt, child, I will protect you and I will scatter them like the wind.

It gives me chills... almost like that song. "I will exalt you," I will sing to you with my heart when my words fail.

Brother, sister - don't give in when the walls feel like they're closing in. Look behind you, see the Army that has your back and the Commander standing beside you as your troubles flee. Even if it doesn't feel like it will ever change, it will. In the words of my beloved mother, "It won't always be this way."

It won't. Stand on that truth - and go win that fight! Victory is yours for the taking.

Parting thought:

Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise - Micah 7:8

Talk soon.

Image taken from: http://www.newsbiscuit.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/cross.jpg

"I Will Exalt You" by Hillsong- check it out!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoUy88Pcf90

Calvary: What Does It Mean To You?

2010-03-14T06:43:00.008-07:00

As you can tell, this Chid now has a tattoo.

"Well, tattoos aren't something Christ wants Christians to have."

"I don't think highly of girls, or even guys, with tattoos."

"Why would ANYONE get something that permanent on their body?"

Because it's my story. A lot of people instantly judge when they see someone with a tattoo, but today I show this to you to share with you my story.

The word redemption has an awesome meaning: the payment of an obligation.

When I look at the scars from my melanoma, they remind me I've fought the battle and it left its mark. But one day, as I looked in the mirror, I realized no matter how many marks and scars I have, I still win because God still has a deeper purpose for every mark, every trial, every scar. That definition of redemption means, to me, that God already paid my way into this world and He already claimed victory for me. I do not need to be scared or be fearful, it has already been done. No matter how far away I fall when I wander, I can - and do - always come home. That, friends, is what my tattoo means to me.

And as I enter into a new season in my life, I realize that that lesson is going to follow me wherever I go. Half the point of this life, I think, is to make mistakes so that we learn on our own what to - and not to- do. The meaning behind redemption is so simple and yet so beautiful. I often imagine Jesus as the shepherd, looking for the lost and bleating sheep in the middle of the storm that's stuck in the brush. He uses the crook of his staff to guide the sheep back to him and the rest of the flock.

Life's the same way. Sometimes we're safe in the pack with everyone else, but sometimes we wander away and experience pain and fear far away from the pack, unable to see on a dark and stormy night. But there shouldn't be any fear, because Christ is right behind us, coming to claim us with his authority and his power. He's always going to come after us, the choice of whether to return to him is the uncertainty. And as I said, redemption is a beautiful thing because no matter how much we mess up, how much we make error after error and mistake after mistake, how many times we defy his love - He'll still accept us back. No judgement. Total acceptance with the purest love.

If that doesn't make you breathe easier, I don't know what will. Knowing that God will love me no matter how unloveable I feel? No matter how ugly, how sinful, how much I regret and I wish to take back what I've done wrong... doesn't even matter. God died already to forgive you and I - so what we do he already knew about and he already covered it. God had your back thousands of years ago on that cross at Calvary, there's no need for YOU to beat yourself up over something he's already forgiven - and forgotten.

Steven Furtick of Elevation Church has a small speaking part on one of their worship CDs, We Are Alive. In that CD, he says this: "You serve a God, you were made by a God, no matter how far you've drifted, no matter how hard you've run, no matter how many bad alliances you've made, no matter how hopeless it seems, no matter how enslaved you are, you serve a God, a good God, who can turn your mistake into a miracle. You serve a God who can make the sun to stand still in your life."

This always gives me chills because he hits the nail on the head. That is the picture of how far God's redemption reaches. It knows no bounds, no limitations - just like the God we serve, his grace follows us wherever we go.

Easter just passed, but the victory of that day never grows old. Jesus Christ redeemed you by dying in the most painful way imaginable. He did that- for you. And when you see that cross, or think of the three of Calvary, what do you think about? All I can ever think about is the pain that he went through, at my expense, and how much he loved me to suffer that long. That's the ultimate love story. God doesn't need to give us chocolate, Tiffany's, or a bouquet of fresh tulips to show us that His love will never end and knows no bounds. It's not containable, it is immeasurable and neverending. True love gets no more pure than the ultimate sacrifice of one live for humanity - and he did it for you.

I want to leave you with a gift. And I want you to remember one thing: God meant this for you.

Life as a Christian can be painful. Nights can be full of heartache, days can be long and confusing. Sometimes my life as a Christian seems more difficult than they were when I wasn't saved. But in the same respect - my life as a Christian has been more incredibly rewarding than anything I could have ever imagined.

God has moved in my life over the past year to really teach me about obedience. Dating mistakes, a constantly changing list of priorities... he's allowed me to be disobedient until my heart broke and it hit me that I was doing it to myself. I'm far from perfect and even on my best day, I'm incredibly too hard on myself, but all the little parts of me that have broken are coming together to make me a beautiful mosaic of the woman God created me to be. My journey won't end until I take my last breath, but in this interim, I have no doubt that God has awesome plans for me. I look forward to learning how to give him the reigns - and not try to take them back. Once I can do that, or as I am learning how to, I already know he's going to move in my life in a way that overwhelms me ... and I cannot WAIT for that ride to begin! He's already done that with parts in my life before and his faithfulness and enthrallment with me is more than anything I could ever imagine.

Praise God, from whom all blessings flow... and praise Him that he loves us, even when we can't love ourselves.

Parting thought:

Every happening, great and small, is a parable whereby God speaks to us, and the art of life is to get the message - Malcom Mudderidge

Talk soon.

Christ Gave It All... All To Him I Owe

2010-02-28T16:35:00.003-07:00

Sometimes, this road of life can be really lonely.

We can be surrounded by thousands of faces, one person in a giant massive crowd, and still feel like we're all alone. And in tough times, it can be easy to feel like that loneliness will last forever.

But in those times, it's so important to stand on the truth of what we know, what has been proven as steadfast and unchanging. Today I went to a new church (Center City Church, it was absolutely amazing!!) and the pastor said something to me that really struck me to my core.

He was talking about the power of Jesus Christ, and how when Christ went out, he didn't go to the masses, the masses came to him. There's something to be said for the fact that they recognized His power and would come from all over just to sit on a grassy knoll all day long to hear him preach. Pastor David spoke about the leper that Christ healed, and how in this life, sometimes God heals - and sometimes he doesn't.

It was the doesn't part that struck me. I've shared hundreds of times, it feels like, with you about my battle with melanoma. And as a Christian, the attitude that I've come to adopt is that I have to embrace this challenge and run with it. I'm not going to blame God - a lot of people choose to do that when they're missing a valuable opportunity to instead turn TO him and learn who he is in the midst of their crisis. And besides, what right have I to be angry? Job in the Bible lost everything - everything. His children, his wealth, everything was taken from him - and this was a blameless man. I'm not blameless, I frequently make mistakes and even though I'm harder on myself than anyone could ever be, I know that I still have it better than Job. Or John, who was given the gift of healing and yet lived his life with a painful physical affliction that consistently bothered him. The healer who wasn't healed.

So even though life may not seem so great all the time, we still have SO much to be thankful for. I remember a pastor once said "Who are we to assume we have a right to know what God is doing, or why he's doing it? We have no entitlement to the works or reasoning of Jesus Christ." And he was so right - we don't have any right to ask God what he's doing or ask him why he has or hasn't given us what we want. It isn't about us, and if you think it is, you may need to go and re-examine your heart. This world isn't about us doing what we want, it's about living a life focused on Jesus Christ, loving the lost and sharing the news about this savior who's in love with us.

He won't leave.

No matter how nasty or mean or irritable we are, he won't leave. Sometimes in relationships we push the people that we care about the most, away, in order to see if they'll stay or if they'll leave. But the ones who really care don't budge. They stick by your side even when you (and probably everyone else) knows you don't deserve it. Jesus is the same way - except that because he's perfect, he really won't leave. Humans are imperfect and make mistakes, we hurt each other, we fight, we say things we don't mean, but Christ is blameless and he won't ever hurt us in those ways. So as you go through trials and tribulations, remember that no matter how much you scream and yell and pound his chest, Christ is still going to stand in front of you, wrapping his arms around you and wiping away your tears. That's the kind of God he is, the kind of God he has been, and the kind of God he always will be.

I hope, friends, that if and when there are times when you feel as lonely as the leaf in the picture above, you remember the Savior who waits for you to turn to him. You're never alone, no matter how much you feel like it or how undeserving of his love you feel... and don't ever think otherwise! If the creator of the universe spent time to knit you together in your mother's womb, characteristic by characteristic so that you were unlike anyone else... you're worth more than you could ever know.

Parting thought:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me - 2 Cor 12:9.

Talk soon.

I'll Go Where He Sends Me

2010-01-28T20:43:00.003-07:00

Does your heart break when you see this, like mine does?

My life was marked from the beginning that I would serve Jesus Christ at a higher price than a lot of people. It wasn't through the circumstances that I grew up in, although they weren't easy - my story began with the first scar of melanoma that marked my body. I don't make it a secret that my struggle with skin cancer has been a battle I've fought half of my life. And I thank God that he put this in my path because it is through this battle I have found myself, I've found my relationship with God, and I've found what I want to do.

I want to serve.

When my Dad went on a cruise to the Dominican, he told me about how he saw Haitian children selling small trinkets in the market and looking at the American tourists with plaintive eyes and swollen bellies, begging them to buy what meager wares they had to sell for food. He told me how hard it was to see these children, knowing what we have in America and what they don't in Haiti.

My dad didn't do anything wrong, but when he and everyone else comes back from vacation, like most, they settle back into their daily patterns and those swollen bellies and heartbroken eyes fade into the background of the vacation pictures. Hearing that story, I swore to myself that one day I would go and serve the people of Haiti.

This was years before the earthquake that recently devastated the country of Haiti. That earthquake has only intensified my desire to serve, to leave my life in the US behind and go and be one of them, living only wiht the necessities as they try to put their lives back together again. South Africa has also been another calling of mine, to go and do the same there with the AIDS epidemic.

One day I'll go. And with the start of 2010, my public (however "public" this blog really is) resolution is simple. I'm going to put my time & energy where my mouth is.

I will run in a 5k. I will serve in a mission overseas in a ravaged and poor country, binding up the brokenhearted and the broken in the name of my Lord, Jesus Christ. I will focus my life on serving others. I will get a tattoo with my little sister, one that means something to both of us.

I will do these things, and so help me if I don't. I'm also going to continue this fight against melanoma. It hasn't won yet, and God-willing, it won't. I refuse to give up, to give in to the fear of the next biopsy result, the next time I see the scheduling office of my dermatologist calling to tell me the bad news and my stomach drops. I am a daughter of Jesus Christ, and for some reason, I have such peace in knowing that melanoma won't be how he calls me home. He's not done wiht me here on this earth yet, and in 2010, I'm going to take advantage of the time I have on this earth to serve His people.

My little sister is my inspiration in so many ways, and hearing her as she talks about her hopes and dreams for her life after college has me remembering that I'm still young and I have a lot of time left in my own life to do what I want to do. One of my favorite quotes is "It's never too late to be what you might have once been." Don't ever give up on any dream, thinking its too late.

It's never too late to do what you want to do. The Romans had it right when they said "Carpe Diem!" Seize the day! Don't let a moment pass without realizing how blessed you are to live it.

Parting thought:

We can easily manage if we will only take, each day, the burden appointed to it. But the load will be too heavy for us if we cary yesterday's burden over again today, and then add the burden of the morrow before we are required to bear it - John Newton

Talk soon.

*Image taken from MSNBC*

I Want To Leave a Legacy

2009-12-31T10:04:00.004-07:00

As I sit here on the cusp of a new year, I have the urge to reflect on the year that has just swiftly passed before I bid 2009 adieu.

There was so much turmoil and change in this world that it's almost hard to stop the clock from ticking with enough time to consider everything that happened. MJ passed, Natasha Richardson, Brittany Murphy... the economy was plunged even deeper into a recession thanks to our idiot president and his Congressional cronies, the price and cost of living surged along with our deficit and the erosion of family values and morality happened even more quickly.

BUT, there was good.

My brother and my beautiful sister in law were married. I did not lose anyone in my family- and I welcomed several new and great friends into my life. My baby sister has furthered her photography career even more to the point where friends of friends are asking for referrals (YES!)- and my other big brother bought his first home. Both of my parents have continued to be successful in their career, and I moved in with my best friend who has become one of the biggest and most invaluable blessings of everyone in my life. My sister-in-law's sister (default, they have become my family too!) welcomed little baby Landon into the family, her brother Josh graduated college early, and my other best friend of years just got engaged!

God's favor and his fingerprints are all OVER my life and the lives of those I love, and I can honestly say that 2009 has been one amazing year. It was not devoid of personal struggle - I endured yet another melanoma surgery but at least this time the severity of my struggle has sunk into my mind and I'm looking forward with a renewed, responsible perception of what lays before me. I sadly ended friendships that were no longer healthy to be a part of, made mistakes but learned from them, and through it all, discovered new parts of who I am as a woman of God.

I would say that out of everything that happened in my life this year, that would be the biggest triumph. Discovering parts of my identity is an essential part of my growth in Jesus Christ, and it has caused me to ask myself one question: What is my legacy?

People know me now because I love to laugh, I try to be a dependable and trustworthy friend, and I love to encourage people. I have had several people tell me throughout my life that there's a light about me they don't see in anyone else - and every time I tell my middle name (Joy), I get the exact same reaction: that is so perfect for you!

But I want to go even deeper than those things about myself. What do they think about my character? Am I someone they look up to and admire, or do they say "Hey I like this one thing about her, but..." and take exception to the rest of who I am? Would they say I've helped them in their lives, or have I passed them by? My greatest desire throughout my life has been to one day become a wife and then an amazing mother, but even above that, when I die I want to hear just one phrase out of the mouth of my Lord: "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

Have I lived my life so that everything I say and do honors the One who gave me life? Because if I slip up, it's okay, but if I make a habit of asking for forgiveness and repeating the same mistakes, I need to more closely examine what I'm doing with my life. Albert Einstein defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results." I was not created to be insane, so to avoid that in my life, with 2010 I won't make ridiculous "I won't eat sweets and I won't eat bread and I'll exercise every hour" resolutions. I'll make a simple resolution - the same one I made the middle of this year that completely changed my life and my attitude.

In 2010, I, Kimberly Joy Chidester, resolve to seek God's Will and honor Him with all of me. I resolve to be more humble, to sacrifice more for those I love, and to give more of myself to do God's will, to bind up the brokenhearted and help the lost and broken.

I'd like to invite you to question yourself, to start the journey of discovering what legacy you will leave behind. I shared a picture of my grandfather and me because he is a vital part of who I am today. Most of you know that I'm incredibly passionate about politics and my love for this country. Both of my grandfathers, Austin "Bud" Chidester (pictured above) and Joe Chmura were decorated war veterans from another generation. I spent more time with Poppop Chidester, but both men instilled in me a love for this country, as well as a passion to defend her and the liberties our forefathers fought so hard to gain. I hope that's another characteristic about me that people remember, how much I love America.

As I did my bible study this morning, I stumbled across two verses about God and who He is that really struck me. Phillippians 2:9-11 states "Therefore God also highly exalted him and gave him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus, every knee should bend, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, and the glory of God the father." WOW. Imagine, just His name instills reverence - and that's without mentioning what He has done for us. The power of the One who died for us, who loves us with all of who He is - and who would do anything for us? Talk about a legacy!

One more verse stuck out to me as I read through the Word. When we feel down in life, it's easy sometimes to slip into what my dad calls the "victim mentality," where everything is "woe is me." When I read these words in Hebrews 2:3, I was really taken aback: "Consider Him who endured such hostility against himself from sinners, so that you may not grow weary or lose heart." When you journey through this path you're on, do not lose heart. Keep fighting the good fight, because one day you'll break through that paper boundary at the finish line and you'll come out the other side thanking God for the trials you've endured.

As this chapter in our lives entitled "2009" closes, I want to speak a blessing over you. It is my hope that this year, you discover the destiny God has set aside for you. That you feel joy and peace, and as you wake up each day, you're greeted by a renewed faith that Jesus Christ will reveal himself to you in a new way with each new dawn.

If there's anything I know about our Father, it is that he is faithful beyond all comprehension. I hope in 2010, you feel that security as much as I have come to.

Parting thought:

If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down - Mary Pickford

Talk soon.

My God. My Savior. My friend.

2009-12-02T17:51:00.003-07:00

It's the beginning of December, and I'm sitting here listening to MercyMe Christmas music, decorating my house for the first Christmas I'll spend here with Jenn. And as I listen to old favorites blaring through the speakers of my Mac, I seem to hear them for the first time in my 24 years of listening.

There's something about the start of the Christmas season that stirs deep inside of my spirit. I think it's a culmination of several things. One, my family. I can honestly say that beginning with the first weekend in December, I have at least one family tradition with one parent every single weekend from then until New Year's. I LOVE them, and I can't wait to share them with my kids (whenever that day comes). Second, there seems to be some charitable part of people that comes out with the wreaths and garlands, where we all remember everyone is human and everyone seems more cheery.

But third? The real reason for Christmas.

I've been sharing my personal journey with you for well over a year now. And as I read back and hear my heart through old posts, I become aware all over again how far I feel like I've come. I've really and truly been brought to the end of myself to the point where the only strong desires I have are the ones to trust God with every part of my life. The time of me trying to do things on my own has, for the most part, given way to a thirst for the will of God in my life. And because I've grown so close to Him, desiring an airtight bond with him that grows with each new morning, I feel like I really understand who He is- and who He wants to be to me and in my life.

Which brings me to Christmas. I know at Easter I was overwhelmed with gratitude and love for Christ, thinking of what sacrifices He made for me, an undeserving sinner who, before Him, had no hope. He saved me from a life that (thankfully!) I'll never know I could've had, and it was that gratitude that has always brought me to tears when I see the Cross. And as I think about Christmas approaching, I have a few thoughts at the forefront of my mind.

One, peace. God has provided for me again and again, even when I thought there was no possible way He could. And as the day of his birth comes approaching at a pace that feels like a locomotive, I think about the Christ I know and I think about how much He means to me now more than ever. Christmas isn't about presents. It isn't about stockings or Christmas trees. It's not about family photos, tacky sweaters, garland and pine candles. It doesn't define itself with sugar cookies, or fully banked fires burning on a snowy night.

Christmas symbolizes the beginning of forever in my mind. An innocent child, born from a virgin (makes me proud to share that with Mary!) who had been miraculously chosen to bring forth the King that would save this world. I don't tear up with emotion because of a present wrapped under a tree. I think about what Jesus was that night, and what he grew to become- and how that saved us. And listening to Christmas carols (I HIGHLY recommend downloading MercyMe's "Joseph Lullaby" if you want to know the best Christmas song out there, and definitely check out the lyrics. I can't even write about how amazing they are!) and thinking about what I'll be buying for my loved ones may be great, but it pales in comparison with the emotions that will be felt on Christmas morning.

As these next few weeks swiftly pass as December 25th approaches, I want to challenge you. Lately I've felt an overwhelming desire to encourage the people that I love the most in my life, and I'd like to challenge you to join me as I attempt to speak love and peace over my loved ones. The next person you talk to, compliment them with a heartfelt compliment. Tell them what they mean to you. Give them a hug. Offer to help a friend or your brother when you know they need it. Take your sister out to coffee. Invite your parents over for dinner. Even something simple like texting a favorite quote to a friend can make a difference. Imagine what kinds of things you need to cheer you up when you're feeling down, and take that to someone who may not even need it. The times in my life where I remember feeling that rush of love from Jesus Christ were when I reached out to one of His children and did something totally random that I felt led to do. Helping the elderly at the grocery store, smiling at the charity bell ringers outside the store - all it takes is one person to make a difference in a big way.

And when you start to get overwhelmed with the Christmas season, remember the picture of Christ that I often have when I think of him, just like the picture above: He loves you because you are His child, so use this season to celebrate what He is and what He has become in your life. I am willing to bet you a 5-course, home-cooked meal that in a matter of a few days you'll notice that the holidays mean more to you than they ever have. Here's hoping that they do!

Parting thought:

You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You - Isaiah 26:3

Talk soon - and MERRY CHRISTMAS!

My Father's Daughter

2009-11-23T16:17:00.005-07:00

In so many ways, I am my father's daughter.

I have my dad's nose. I have his hands. We have the same color hair - and are blessed with the same devilishly good looks (haha). We also have the same sense of humor.

I'm a lot like my mom, there is no denying that. I have her compassion to love, her desire to obey and follow Jesus Christ, and the same servant's heart.

But in so many ways, I am just like my dad.

I'm definitely a daddy's girl - I don't see what's wrong with that. I may be blessed with parents that love me and have been able to provide for me, but they also taught me to work hard, very hard, for what I have- and to never complain. One lesson my dad has taught me that has n e v e r left my heart is this: Never let yourself be the victim. Through all of my skin surgeries, the painful stitches and the aching effects of each new melanoma occurrence, you wouldn't hear me complaining and asking "why me," because I was raised better than that. And it is my dad that I owe that gratitude to.

And as much as I love him (obviously)- it's not my dad that I want to talk about today. The father I want to talk about is a little larger than life - literally. It's Jesus Christ, and today I'd love to show you the picture of him that I've grown to see over the past 24 years of my life.

I've shared with you what I've been through: divorce, deaths, cancer, the whole nine yards. And throughout all of these situations, I've come to the realization that as Christians in a dark and fallen world, we have one choice: Do we use the situation to refine and strengthen our faith - or do we allow it to pry us away from the One solution? I've chosen both options at various times and under different circumstances over my life. And I can tell you with absolute certainty that the best option is the first: trust in Him. Ask Him what He's trying to show you - and if you can't hear or see Him, ask Him to reveal Himself to you. Our God is a God who pursues, He's just waiting for you to ask Him to start the chase.

It's not an easy choice, to let go of your will for His. Trust me, I know because I've learned it. But as you let go, you really do see that God says "Hey little one, you did your part. Let me do mine." I've referenced several different stories in the Bible about obedience over the course of this "devotional," if you will. There are so many awesome parts in the Bible where God's love for us shines so brightly, my favorite being Psalm 45:11: The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord.

Enthralled? Do you have any idea how heavy that word is? Dictionary.com defines "enthralled" in verb form as "to captivate or charm." It means that Christ can't look away from you, His eyes never leave your sight. That doesn't just apply to women because the word "beauty" is involved, Men :)

What I like to think of is the look a new husband gives his wife when he first sees her as she walks down the aisle toward him and their new life together. Some men tear up, others smile a smile so large it takes up their entire countenance. Regardless, the scene that is so common to so many marriage ceremonies perfectly illustrates the point of what I think God does when he looks at us: he can't take his eyes away from you. He doesn't want to. And it doesn't end there.

He adores us, but He also knows life isn't always easy and fun. there are days when we get stuck down in the mud of the trenches in the battle in this life and it's all we can do to hold onto the white flag of surrender as we realize we can't do it anymore. In those times, especially in my battles and wars, I've found that God's the one holding onto us when we can't hold onto Him. He isn't some omnipotent being in the sky who looks down on us for entertainment.

If that's who He was, would he have allowed himself - and I say "allowed" because he easily could've stopped the crucifixion- to die the most painful death imaginable, reserved for the worst of criminals, just to save us when he was totally innocent? No. Would he have allowed himself to be persecuted for telling the truth, for teaching against doctrines that ruined kingdom after kingdom, dynasty after dynasty? No. Would he have bound up the brokenhearted, rescued the lost, or restored the life of the dead? No.

That's because he's not the kind of God that watches and doesn't do anything. He's a God who saves, who loves, whose heart breaks with ours when we cry wrenching sobs and wonder where he was the whole time, when the answer is clear: beside us as our heart breaks.

Many people don't agree with me because they've allowed this life to pull them away from Him. My hope and prayer is that one day, those same choices and circumstances bring them back. I say this because Jesus Christ is the only hope in this fallen world, the only one whose band-aid can piece together our broken hearts, the only one who's up for the challenge.

What do you say, are you willing to take the risk?

This is one gamble I can promise will pay off. And if you're not ready right now, He'll wait until you are.

Parting thought:

I thank God for the Unseen Hand, sometimes urging me onward, sometimes holding me back; sometimes with a caress of approval, sometimes with a stroke of reproof; sometimes correcting, sometimes comforting. My times are in his hand - Vince Havner

Talk soon.

The Simple Things

2009-11-18T18:29:00.004-07:00

In this life, this country, there are so many negative things happening every day that it isn't difficult to lose sight of the good. In fact, it's a whole lot easier to pinpoint the bad.

But sometimes, that isn't the case. Sometimes it's overwhelming how good and fulfilling life can be if you just take time to look around you.

Tonight, I had dinner with my dad at one of my favorite restaurants (score). Over my favorite wine, and in our great conversation, I was given a gift that from this day forward I'm going to carry everywhere with me. My dad, in one of his abounding moments of encouragement, gave me this verse:

So, whatever you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God - 1 Corinthians 10:31.

That really made me think. In this time in my life I'm going through transition. A big transition, where I'm realizing the days of effortless ignorance and carefree living are limited by bills, loans, health concerns, choices about health insurance, thinking about buying a house, and a million other elements that comprise adulthood. It's unavoidable, inevitable, and annoying, but it's all a part of being a mature and responsible adult.

And as time passes with each day, I'm reminded of all of the good things in my life - which is what I want to talk about today.

I've shared before my struggle with melanoma. I just had an "in situ" mole removed with surgery, and before you go and Google that (haha), I'll go ahead and share what it means. In situ means that the cells in your skin may evolve into melanoma and invade other parts of the body- but they haven't transitioned to cancer yet. So, again, my dermatologist and team of specialists, this time a plastic surgeon, have potentially saved my life. I found out today that they did, in fact, get all of the cancerous cells out and I'm cancer f r e e for three months!!! (You should've heard me after my appointment, I was elated).

I've shared with a few people that for some reason, this surgery was the turning-point in my attitude. Melanoma is a death sentence, there's no way to beat it, you can only manage it. And since I've had it since I was 16, the attitude I adopted in the past was, well to be honest, angry. I was angry I was given a burden that heavy to bear so early in my life, when I'm in love with the outdoors and it meant I'll always have to watch what I do, always wear sunscreen... I was angry and resentful that I would have to change my life because of something that was, to a degree, a result of choices I didn't make. Sure I tanned, but melanoma can be hereditary and I couldn't have told my parents to put sunscreen on me when I was 4. So, up until a year or two ago, I still didn't wear sunscreen that often (if at all), and I was lackadaisical about the entire situation.

This surgery changed that mentality. When I looked in the mirror and saw the ugly and angry surgery site with the black stitches in my skin standing out like coal on a white snowman, my stomach sunk and it hit me that this will be my life if I don't stop what I'm doing. And that scared the crap out of me. I have more scars than I can count on my back, and very often I liken it to a battleground in this epic struggle with skin cancer. I don't really enjoy the process of adding more.

And as I sat in my room, thinking about how I want to change these habits of mine, it made me think about my life in general. The people and the situations that have made me who I am. To tell you all of my thoughts and emotions about everything would take forever, so in the interest of time I'd really like to share what's been on my heart most recently.

My family is beyond amazing. They really are. I really only can count on one hand how many people I know that have the kind of relationship with their family that I've been blessed with... we spend a lot, if not most, of our free time together because we want to, and we're always doing something fun or crazy. I live for our Sunday afternoon dinner & football game parties, and I think that the month of December is my favorite (second to October) because we have family traditions that take up every weekend. The only people who stick around in my life are the ones that have the same appreciation for them that I do - and I love this about my life.

I also have some truly spectacular friends... I don't need to name them personally (except Jennifer because she is my best). To say that my friends are loyal and encouraging would be an understatement, and it's easy to share my life with them. I know I could call any of them in the middle of the night and they'd come over, no matter the issue. That is a friend. I've always said a true friend is someone who encourages you to grow and who brings out the best in you... and I can say I'm blessed.

So, this post is in honor of you. As I think about my life and the things that mean the most to me, it becomes very simple: my favorite things are the people I love, and the God I serve. Nothing else ultimately matters anyway, and in the end the things I hold the closest to my heart are the memories I've made with the people in my life and the ways they've helped me to grow and become the woman that I've become today.

So at the risk of sounding much less emphatic and serious I am, the only words I can say are these: Thank you. For what you do, for who you are, and for what you've all brought to my life. I wouldn't be Kimberly without you!

Parting thought:

My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet - Mahatma Gandi

Talk soon.

Holding On For Dear Life

2009-11-09T17:57:00.004-07:00

I know we've all heard this before, but in this life, "it's the simple things that mean the most."

My life is hectic, and there are always things, situations, people, obstacles revolving in and out. Nobody likes change, I think on a base level if we could stop our lives from spinning and slow them down, we would.

Unfortunately, we can't do that, so we cope and we learn to live life the best we can, a day at a time.

Sometimes, that's a little easier said than done. But the best thing that we can do is to focus on the small things that mean the most to us, the basic pleasures we derive in this life, and sometimes, everything else will stop spinning and come into focus.

Lately I've become aware that my "small things" are my family, my best friend, and my dog. Family is there for you through thick and thin, and mine is no exception. They love me even when I'm at my worst... and that, friends, is what true love and family are really about. My best friend is absolutely priceless, and she has been there for me through the past few months more than I think most people I know... living with her has really been an "iron sharpens iron" kind of friendship, and I'm beyond blessed to be able to share this season of my life with someone as amazing as she is. And my dog? well, I won't deny that she's better than any other dog in this world (need proof? See above picture).

There are days where I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I've chosen at this stage in the game to rely on the One who is always faithful and never fails. I'm far, very far, from perfect. When I'm tired and hungry, I can be super grouchy. If it's a rainy day and it's cold outside, usually it's impossible to motivate me to do anything. Sometimes I can have a temper flare-up that's not very pretty. I laugh at the wrong times, sometimes I say the wrong thing and often, I think without speaking. But you know what? I know that even through those things, I'm still worth a heck of a lot.

I'm actually worth even more than just "a lot." I know in the eyes of my King, I'm priceless, and it's about time I started accepting that. God wants us to take His word seriously, because He's the only entity where we can take His word and believe Him every time. In Genesis 22:15-18, God had asked Abraham to sacrifice his son in the ultimate example of obedience. Abraham did not question God's command, and right before ending his son's life, God stopped Abraham and said this: "The angel of the Lord called to Abraham from heaven a second time and said, 'I swear by myself, declares the Lord, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on Earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me." God wants us to take him at his word, that He will provide for us and give us anything and everything that we need - if only we will seek Him and honor Him.

Sometimes, on a good day, that's easy to do. We let go & let God. Other days, in other seasons of our lives, it's not as easy and we struggle to hold on by our fingernails as God takes away the very things we've tried to hold dear because they're not in His plan for us at that time in our lives.

But in time, if it's right, He will either give us those things back - or He'll give us something better. I don't know about you, but if the creator of the world and everything in it wants to give me a present that's exactly what I need, what I want, when I'm ready for it... well, I think I'll just go ahead and choose to wait on His timing.

And in the meantime, I'll hold dear to the simple things in my life that mean so much. Because ultimately, it's not about what I want for myself - it's about what God blesses me with. And here's to hoping that you learn to live day by day as I'm learning to... so far, it's been pretty good :)

Parting thought:

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you with whatever hard things come up when the time comes - Matthew 6:34

Talk soon.

In The Quiet Of The Aftermath

2009-10-31T20:47:00.003-07:00

So, this past week has been one of the best weeks of my life. Because I usually use this forum to stay in touch with you guys and keep you on track of my crazy life, I figured this was worth sharing. I think part of it was how amazing of a weekend I had last weekend... and then this week I was able to really experience an outpouring of God's blessing and favor in my life. It was AWESOME! It wasn't even one thing in particular, I think it's just one of those things where when we step into obedience, God's favor just pours out. Not only did I have a great week at work, bringing in two sorely needed contracts - I think I'm finally back to my old self and I spent a lot of time during the days laughing and finding joy in simple things. Who doesn't love that?!

As I reflect over this season of my life, I think I see that another of the many painful storms in my life is nearing a close. I think any seasoned Christian will tell you that there will always be moments in your life where you find yourself facing a storm and you can't always hear or feel God near. Doesn't mean he isn't, but it does mean that we're going through a period in our life where God may be silent. These times are very painful, but they can also be very vital to our walk. My experience has been that these times found in me a desire to pursue a relationship with Jesus Christ with all I have in me- even more than when things were good. I couldn't coast, I couldn't just assume everything would work out without any effort. I had to work, hard, all the time, and sometimes things still don't feel like they'll ever get better. But they will. And after these periods are over, the storm clears and things shine more brilliantly than they seem to ever have.

What I want to do today is to encourage you. Maybe you've found out some difficult news recently and your mind is still spinning, trying to put things together. Maybe you've been calling out in the darkness of your storm and you're aching for an answer. Or, maybe you're in the last drizzle of a storm and you need that extra push to make it out the other side. Whatever your situation, I want to share something: hang on. This life isn't ever going to be easy, it will never glide seamlessly without any problems, but it will be filled with bright spots to break up the storms. One of my favorite quotes is "Nobody ever said this life would be easy, but they did say it would be worth it." I have to agree, because even if things are never perfect, they are exactly as they're supposed to be according to God's plan for my life - and that's enough for me. And if you are having trouble, don't forget - there's always a helping hand waiting, a prayer away. Hang in there.

Parting thought:

Sometimes I hear God most, not in the roar of the storm but in the quiet of the aftermath - me :)

Talk soon.

Back to Basics

2009-10-25T19:57:00.002-07:00

I'm back! <3

I'll be the first person to tell you that I'm incredibly blessed. I have an amazing family, priceless friends, a sweet dog, a good job, a great house... but even in my life, sometimes I need a little escape from reality.

This weekend my best friend and I decided to roadtrip to Raleigh. Ok first, the visit to my old stomping grounds was everything I ever couldn't have expected... campus has grown so much and a lot of the places I used to frequent aren't there anymore. Ce la vie. But even as I went back, it was almost like finding a part of me I forgot I had. Don't you love that? Even if it's something small like rediscovering an old favorite coffee shop, going back to Raleigh was like getting a chance to breath. But there was more to it than that. Jenn and I also spent some time with her AMAZING sister and this other kind of cool guy. And being with them, spending time laughing and goofing off all weekend, also gave me some perspective. I went to church with cool guy this morning, and the pastor said something to me that totally caught me off guard.

He said, "If you're thinking of running for a marathon, you don't just go out and run. If you try, you'd fall flat on your face. But what you do do is you train and you prepare and that way you're ready for the race when it comes." Now, I feel like this is for everyone no matter where you are in your life.

For me, I'm getting back to the basics. I know I've shared that with you guys before, but I've been convicted lately of placing other people and other relationships ahead of my God's - and that has been fixed. I'm finally taking time to enjoy life a day at a time. Just me, God, and my amazing family. Minimal planning, no time management - I'm going to enjoy each day with the joy and the blessings we've all been given, and let it go at that.

And in the off chance you're all wondering, what this quote means to me is simple: You can't just jump into the destiny that God has set for you. Take time every day to "train," spend time in the word and in a devotion with him, so that when he starts to reveal day by day the plan he has for you- you're ready. You've learned who He is, you've experienced His sufficiency, and you're waiting with anticipation for what He wants to give you.

This year's been pretty tough, but I've learned one thing: My God is an AMAZING God. He turns you back when you turn away from Him. He doesn't judge your mistakes - I actually am beginning to think he loves you more when you make them because it's when we realize what we've done that we seek him even more and he LOVES that. He never leaves us, even when we try to leave him. And last but least:

Jesus Christ is in love with us, and He loves who we are - but He also loves us too much to let us stay that way.

Aren't you glad that this is the Jesus Christ that's in love with us?

Parting thought:

The art of living does not consist in preserving and clinging to a particular mood of happiness, but in allowing happiness to change its form without being disappointed by the change; for happiness, like a child, must be allowed to grow up - Charles Langbridge Morgan

Talk soon.

Even The Toughest Shatter

2009-09-18T17:42:00.004-07:00

I have entered into a new season of my life.

In this season, I have known indescribable heartache... and immeasurable joy. I told you with my last post that I was taking time for myself. I've also been taking that time for myself and giving it to Jesus Christ. I've thrown myself back into the word, going to church, doing my bible study- soon I'll even be active in my first small group! And I can't wait to share with you what I learn over the next period of my life.

I am in sales, and I travel several days out of the month to territories across this beautiful state. I recently spent the day on the road, and the coolest thing happened. In this path for myself, I've put all relationships aside- including the ones with the people I love the most. I have to get myself right before I can love anyone else. As I go through some of these growing pains, I turn on 91.9FM. For a straight hour, song after song after song reaffirms to me, each with its own message, how in love God is with me, what my worth is, how God wants to help me with my troubles... it was absolutely incredible. At one point it was "I'm Not Who I Was" by Brandon Heath, reminding me that I'm becoming someone new, different than who I was before. Another was Scott Krippayne's "Sometimes He Calms The Storm," reminding me that sometimes God won't turn off that pressure hose, won't turn it down, but he'll hold me as the pressure blasts me. I can't even tell you about the encouragement and the joy I felt during that hour of driving on the road. I couldn't wait to share that all of you guys!

The point of this, as I've said many times before, is to share my trials and tribulations with you so that hopefully, somewhere out there, someone knows they're not the only ones going through the breaking process. And just like the picture above, sometimes we feel like a beautiful flower caught in the trecherous grasp of an old, rusty wire- with each pull of our petals, the wire seems to catch us even more. This life will be that way: sometimes we feel like no matter which way we move, either we hurt ourselves or we hurt someone else. But the essential component of this process is the simple thought that even those who seem like they have nothing to lose, do. Even the toughest people with the strongest faith will be shaken, and even the proudest individuals with the most self-confidence will shatter. No one is safe from the trials of this world, sooner or later the events of the days take their toll and we all end up on our knees, crying out. Christians cry out to a Father they know will save them; people who aren't saved cry out for someone who might be listening that can help ease the pain. The prayers go to the same entity.

Jesus Christ has shown me more in the past week how much he loves me than I've felt in a long time. I remember a conversation I had with my mom once where we were discussing how, as Christians, we're called to a higher purpose. I told her my analogy of life's pressure hose, and she looked at me, straight in the eyes, and told me "Sometimes, I think we're all called specifically to something more. I've been called to a life of higher obedience than most people, but that higher obedience has also allowed me to feel a closeness with Jesus I think that few are given." And I think to a degree, I've been called to the same obedience as she is. I've let relationships go over the years that I couldn't admit weren't right for me. I've walked away from life choice temptation after another because I knew that it would be like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, that God wouldn't have been honored if I'd chosen those paths. These choices were never easy, sometimes they've broken my heart. But in the end, I've seen a side to my Lord that I probably wouldn't have been able to see, had I not made that choice. It was by choosing HIS sufficiency, HIS will for my life, what HE wanted for me, that I knew I'd be okay. All He wants us to do is say "Hey God, I want what YOU want for me," and watch him: He'll rise to the challenge.

I'd like to encourage you to go listen to Jeremy Camp's "I Will Trust In You." My favorite lyrics are the following:

When I can't see You I know You're there
When I can't feel You I will not fear
I will trust in You and I will not be afraid.
When the battle is close at hand
Though You're with me and help me stand
I will trust in You and I will not be afraid.

When the darkness is close at hand
And I‘m running against the wind
I will trust in you and I will not be afraid.
When I'm standing upon that shore
All the battles I've gone before
I will trust in you, and I will not be afraid

Don't you just love these lyrics? I feel like they're so appropriate. God wants us to know that he loves us SO MUCH he wants to be the one to make the tough decisions in our lives. I've given him my job, my relationships, my desires, my wishes, my hopes and my dreams. I don't know that there's much he doesn't have, except the times when I try to strike out on my own path and he lovingly brings me home. Do you have any idea what it's like to wake up and know that no matter how nasty, grouchy, lost, or brokenhearted you feel - someone else is in charge of how the day ends? If not, I sincerely challenge you to trust God and see how you feel. I'm willing to wager you'll sleep soundly at night.

Recently in my bible study, I came across a chapter in Ezekial which struck me to my core. If you want to know the way God feels about you and what He will do when you wander, check this out. Chapter 34, starting with verse 11: "...I myself will search for my sheep, and will seek them out. As shepherds seek out their flocks when they are among their scattered sheep, so I will seek out my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places to which they have been scattered on a day of clouds and thick darkness." He's going to come looking for you when it gets too dark for you to see on your own, even if you're scattered far from the flock. Doesn't that give you insane security? No matter how far you wander, you'll never be too far from his grasp. Never. The truth behind that statement can give me chills... and wait until you see this other side of who He is. Verse 16: "I will seek the lost, and I will bring back the strayed, an dI will bind up the injured, and I will strengthen the weak..." Who WOULDN'T want a God like that??

Brothers, sisters, and friends reading my writing to try to see what makes me tick. I'm convinced this life is full of cycles. Sometimes we're flying high off adrenaline and things couldn't be better, other times we crash and try with all of our own might to drag ourselves out of the rubble. But if you have a walk with Jesus Christ, you come equipped automatically with a parachute and a one-line "How-To" manual. "Trust Me" is all it says, but what more do we need to read?

Search for him this week. Ask Him to reveal who He is in your life. And remember, God doesn't ever ignore a cry for His mercy or for His presence. If you cry out for Him, prepare yourself: He will answer.

Parting thought:

God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill? - Numbers 23.19

Talk soon.

Images above used with permission by Emily Chidester Photography

noT noW.

2009-09-12T13:43:00.003-07:00

Sometimes when I look at the majesty of the mountains, the sight alone can take my breath away. There's something about the sloping peaks, the way the colors phase from blue to green to a deep brown, the way the air gets so thin and cool the higher you go - I don't know what exactly it is, but something about those sloping hills makes me revel in the awesomeness that Is Jesus Christ.

In my dad's house, we have a picture that has been passed down through several generations of the phrase "NoT NoW," the T is a cross and the W is a crown. My sister and I always argue with my dad that it says "Not now," he tells us it's supposed to be "No cross, no crown," but to me, it's a clear statement from God telling me that it's about HIS time, not mine.

I've just today entered into a new season of my life where I'm getting back to the basics. I love all of the people in my life, but I'm focusing on myself now and my relationship with God be the main one in my life. I'm letting all other relationships fall to the side for awhile. I'm taking time to be alone, to grow, to focus back on the core of who I am and who I've been created to become. It's not easy. Saying goodbye to things in my life that I care deeply for breaks my heart, but as that picture says, "Not now." This time needs to be about me, about my God, and about His love, immeasurable and indescribable as it is.

When I look at the mountains and a shadow passes over them, like in the picture above, it reminds me that in this lifetime, things will happen where the light is blocked out and all we have are moments and spots of darkness. It won't always stay black and difficult to navigate, but for the moment, you won't be able to see your way. This is one of those times. I'm having to totally trust on the capabilities of my heavenly father, that He will provide for me and that He will guide me.

That's why I said I'm going back to the basics. In the bible, the disciples would often notice that Jesus would disappear for long hours at a time, totally unaccounted for and unable to locate. He wouldn't tell them where He was going; He'd just go. Finally, one day they realized that when He was leaving, He was going to meet with His father, to cry out, beseech, vent, and search for God.

We all need to do that sometimes. Cry out. Beg for His rescue. Search for Him with all that we have. And friends, as I share with you that on my journey I've done this so many times, I can also tell you that it has been SO worth it. To see myself as God sees me would be the easiest way to sum up my heart's desire- and I can tell you one thing. I can say without a doubt that Jesus Christ WILL reward your obedience.

Today, I take up my cross and I follow Him. He's the only entity that will never lead us astray, only to the best thing for us will He take us.

Will you join me?

Parting thought:

You will seek Me, and you will find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart - Jeremiah 29:13.

Talk soon.

Jars of Clay

2009-08-23T13:14:00.003-07:00

Today in church, Pastor Furtick said something that made my mind wander. We started a new series called "Give. Me. Faith." He was talking about the refining process in life, and how God does allow things to mold and break us so that we grow to become the men and women that He created us to be.

It made me think. I love the band Jars of Clay, and so does Jeb, the man I'm dating. We listen to it in the car sometimes, and as Pastor Furtick was talking about the refining process I thought back to when I was a lot younger and I realized where Jars of Clay got their name from. It's from the bible verse in 2 Corinthians 4 that states: ⁷But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. I'm sure that they have their own reason for naming the band, but partly it was based on this verse. And as I got to seriously thinking about what this verse means, I got a visual picture of how a clay pot is formed.

As the potter takes the wet clay and puts it on the spinning stone where he will fashion it into a pot, there are a few steps that you have to follow. The first is that you place the clay on the wheel. Then, you press the spinner pedal as he takes his hands and moves them up and down, shaping the clay to stand and then pressing it down back again onto the wheel to condition the clay to be workable. Then, as he continues to press the pedal, he gently kneads the clay into the shape of the pot he desires, smoothing out imperfections and rounding his hands up and down and in and out, making sure that no spot or blemish goes un-smoothed. After the clay has been smashed back to the wheel and reworked, and after it has been shaped by the potter, it is then glazed and fired in an intense oven for a variable amount of time before it comes out, a beautiful representation of hard work and a lot of time.

We're that clay pot. As Pastor Furtick spoke about the refining process and I got the visual of the clay pot, it hit home more than ever that Jesus Christ is the potter and we are the clay. He gently places us in situations where we have no clue what to do, we're new clay that has yet to be conditioned. As the situation unfolds, He provides us with wisdom and strength (when we're smart enough to turn to him) as He works his hands over and in our lives so as to smooth out our blemishes. Once we think we've been through the ringer and there's not much left to learn- that we've learned it all, He finishes the process by firing us up to bring out any more impurities. Once we've been through the fire and we've come out the other side, we're a priceless vessel that's the perfect example of how Jesus Christ is always present in our lives, no matter if we like what he's doing or if we do not. We couldn't become a finished product without the fire or without the spinning wheel or even without the hands that shaped us, even when we were stubborn clay that fell and collapsed and did everything it could not to cooperate with the hands of the potter.

I'm going through a refining process in my own life right now where God's trying to teach me that HE is sufficient. I don't need to do things on my own anymore, and he's put people in my life to prove to me that sometimes it's okay to lean on them. I don't exactly know why he's doing what he's doing, but I can tell you this: as much as I don't like the process, I thank the Lord that he loves me too much to let me stay the way I am. It hurts, a lot, and sometimes I get so frustrated because I can't see what he's trying to show me. But that's a part of my life, that's a part of this world, and I share it with you because I want you to know you aren't alone.

We all struggle. I'm going to go for honest disclosure here because that's the point of this blog: since I was 8 years old, I've been very headstrong and very independent because of my parents' divorce. I learned from an early age to not lean on anyone, to try to be totally self-sufficient emotionally and mentally and not to depend on anyone but myself. In my walk with God, it's been difficult for me to give up "control" that I think I have and accept that I can't do it, that I have to have His help. In my relationships, it's meant that I do everything I can to help myself and fix my life and then with whatever is left that I couldn't fix, I would only share parts of my heart with those that were in my life because that way, they can't fail and hurt me because I haven't really let them in.

I mentioned that I'm dating someone, and part of the biggest lesson I've learned by dating Jeb is that you can't have any kind of a healthy relationship without talking honestly about everything- even when you're upset and in the middle of a fight, or when you're so tired you can't even find the words. I've seen that some of the times when I've felt the closest to him were after we had an argument and I sacrificed my pride and told him exactly why I was upset instead of turning and walking away from the issue. These are the moments when I, or he, have been totally honest with each other and I've felt an "AHA!" moment because another wall was broken down for me and as a result of that, also in our relationship. I know that I couldn't have had that moment a year, even six months, ago because I wasn't at the point in my process where I wanted to make the sacrifice to have a healthy relationship with anyone. I've learned that letting him in has been worth the sacrifice, I'm learning to lean on someone because I really think God wanted me to learn that it's okay to do that, as long as I keep my eyes focused on the cross and on His sufficiency in my life, and recognize the earthly help as a blessing from him. My God is sufficient, He is enough, He is faithful, but sometimes, it's in his plan for people on earth to help us and for us to let them in. Now I am, and I can tell you, without the process, I wouldn't be where I am. And I'm beginning to really like where I am.

Another thing Pastor Steven mentioned today was a lot about what it means to have "old fashioned faith." There was one thing he said that stuck with me, and that was this: "Old fashioned faith means that you don't know what God will provide or do, but you believe in Him and His power even if He doesn't do it." That's seriously deep, because he's talking about a faith that remains even when circumstances, even when feelings and emotions, even when everyone in our life is telling us that we're wrong, even when everything fails us - we choose to believe that He is God.

It's a daily choice, it's a daily conditioning of the mind, and choosing to pick up your cross and follow Him is one of the easiest things to say but most difficult things that we're probably every going to have to do. I have a feeling, deep in my heart, that we're all capable of doing this- even if we have to sacrifice or do things that make us feel uncomfortable because it's change and it's new.

Brother, or sister, as you read this, I hope you hear the sincerity of my heart and the truth of what I've shared. I've been down this road. It never ends, it's full of potholes, peaks, valleys, rainy thunderstorms and torrential downpours. If you've been on this road, we've passed each other, so I hope that you understand you're not alone. Neither of us are, because even when we're being fired in the kiln of this earth, our potter is always beside us, making sure that we come out as he intended after it's over. I love my best friends and my family and Jeb, but there is no love for them that matches what love I have for the potter. For it is the potter, and the potter only, that has loved me and is conditioning me to set me free from the struggles and pains of this world.

He is Sufficient.

He is Faithful.

He is Neverending.

And I hope that you question your life as you read about mine, because the Potter's waiting for you to begin to wonder about Him. He'll never stop.

Parting thought:

After the refining process has begun, there are different places where you can really experience the freedom of a life lived with Him. Sometimes I liken these moments to the flight of an Eagle, and I love this bible verse in Isaiah 40: (31) But those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not be faint.

Talk soon.

*Note: If you're curious about my amazing pastor or the phenomenal sermons that I experience every Sunday, check out www.elevationchurch.com - be careful, it'll be a life-changing experience*

Peaks and Valleys

2009-08-11T18:13:00.002-07:00

Because this is supposed to be an area where I'm honest, I want to open my heart to you guys. This life on this Earth isn't supposed to be easy. We were meant to struggle, bend, and break. And as we learn how to crawl, then to stand, and then to walk on our faith in Jesus Christ, we go through different phases in our walk with Him. These peaks and valleys are normal and they're a part of this life. Sometimes we feel like our cup is overflowing with His love and peace, other times we feel like we've hit a stretch of desolate road where we're the only passenger. But regardless of how we FEEL during these times, truth remains: that we're not alone. Jesus is our pilot, we're the passenger, and no matter what we think is true or right, as the Bible says, "He will never leave or forsake you."

Today was a really tough day for me. Now granted, I didn't need to stay out late, but I did. But when I woke up, one thing after another seemed to slam into me at an alarming rate. Didn't quite get to work exactly when I wanted to. Got stuck behind traffic (again). Get into work and feel like no one will ever call me back. Call the vet because my princess injured her foot and all I am able to get out of the technician is that it's important I bring my dog in to be checked out, which I knew would be the tune to at least $50. Again. Find out that a dear family friend will endure open heart surgery tomorrow and all I can do is pray. At around 10:30am, I text the man I'm dating and ask him to pray for me, for strength. He called me immediately, and as we prayed, I started to feel a shift in my attitude. No longer was I filled with anxiety and guilt over my baby, or fear of the unknown. As he prayed that God would bless me with a contagious joy, I felt my heart growing lighter, and after we ended our phone call I slipped in my earbuds and seriously jammed out to worship music.

My day improved. It took a gradual infusion of supernatural strength and love- but it improved. And as I think about everything that happened today that is slightly positive - there's a pretty good chance that my dog will heal naturally, on her own without any surgery. Our family friend, while the situation feels bleak, is able to be scheduled for surgery for tomorrow. I didn't get two speeding tickets on my way home. I was able to buy all the new furniture I need for my townhouse. As I think about these things, I'm reminded that even in the valleys, when all I can feel is that quiet fear squeezing my heart and my lungs with its cold fingers, that things WILL be okay. I'm NOT alone. And although I feel like right now I'm walking through the desert, some days in a valley and other days on a peak, I'm reminded that I have a constant companion.

I'm meeting with a friend tomorrow to discuss the basic fundamentals of Christianity. And as I think about the things I want to share that I've learned, it makes me question myself. Am I living a life that praises the Lord? Do people look at me and see Him? Am I living my life so that if a child were to watch me, they'd mimic me and it would be a positive habit? I ponder these questions, and I realize I have a long way to go before I feel like I'm "done" growing (like that ever even happens! HA!) but I also know I've come a long way too. The map of my life is only a quarter of the way done, which leaves me plenty of time to serve Him with all that I do. Starting with today. So if you feel like you're alone in this journey of life, always remember that your constant companion is only a glance away on your right side. He will NEVER leave you, He will NEVER forsake you. He will ALWAYS love you, regardless of what you do or what you're going through.

His love is the only completely and totally unconditional love we'll never have to earn- and that we'll never lose.

Parting thought:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, never rely on what you think you know. Remember him in everything you do and He will show you the right way - Proverbs 3:5.

Talk soon.

Image used with permission of Andrea Chidester**

Carpe Diem!

2009-07-12T18:04:00.005-07:00

As I'm writing this, I won't deny that tears are falling down my cheeks.

I've mentioned on here before that I love this country with everything that I have in me. That's not a secret, I've made it pretty clear! But what I haven't shared is that this war in Afghanistan is about to get personal. That's because someone very special, who has been in my life for over 13 years, is going to be deploying to the infantry of the front lines of that country today to defend our freedom. He'll be gone for 7 months, and the reason why I'm crying is because it's a very real fear that exists that there is always a chance he won't come home. That reality is too painful to consider, but to be honest, it's there.

The troops of our brave men and women in the military that defend our freedom, our honor, our ability to live a normal life fight every day and sometimes, pay the ultimate price for our freedom with their lives. It's easy for us to forget exactly how costly this war has become, not in terms of fiscal burdens but in terms of emotion. This man in my life leaves behind loving parents, a sister and a future brother in law, countless friends- and me. I've cared for him since we were young, and those feelings don't go away. I love him. He knows this, I know, and as I send him off from the Carolinas (can't be in Alaska for the official goodbye), I send him off knowing he understands my heart and my thoughts.

Sometimes, I wonder if that's enough. Painful things happen in this life, and sometimes that pain catches us off-guard with a sucker-punch to the ribs as it steals away our breath. And as my sister and I talk about life and what it means that this man is leaving... it really makes me think about the times in my life I've loved and lost. Death is final, at least while we're on Earth - and then it changes when we get to Heaven. I lost a dear friend in high school unexpectedly- but I've never been more sure of anyone that I'd see them again in Heaven than when Drew went to be with the Lord. Grandparents, uncles, even other friends, I've had to say goodbye to. Some I was blessed enough to lose with no regrets, others not so much. But isn't that the point of this life? We're supposed to live each day, fully, as they happen - and not pine for the days that have already passed.

This life was not meant to be lived with our nose buried in our past mistakes. I've grown to believe even more recently that God intends for us to accept his forgiveness for our sins but to use that grace that he gives us, and show other people the true meaning of this life. I'd like to share a few fundamentals that my trials and tribulations have revealed to me:

1: Live fully. Putting up walls to keep out pain only prevents you from accepting love, grace, forgiveness, and even joy - all things that make this painful life worth living.

2: Have no regrets. Jesus Christ gave forgiveness for everyone when he sacrificed his life on the cross for us at that hill on Calvary, so why can't you accept it? As you come to him and ask him to forgive you for cussing at your brother, for cutting off that lady at the traffic light - he forgives you and then lets it go. According to 1 Corinthians 13, "love keeps no record of wrongs." And since Jesus Christ is in love with you ... looks like you're in luck.

3. Never let a day go by without telling someone how you feel. Waiting as long as I have to speak freely with someone about something I should have said awhile ago made me grateful for the chance I had to talk with him before he left. I was able to tell my grandfather and my grandmother that I loved them close to when they passed. I've totally ended my relationship with the man I thought that I was going to marry, the one I'd mentioned before, because I realized that he wasn't who God intended for me and I knew it was over (HUGE change, but a good one, nonetheless. I'm glad I did it!) I'm glad I ended it though- for myself. And I am glad that I have begun to live my life a day at a time, telling my loved ones and the special people in my life how much they mean to me. I don't do it out of fear that I'll never get the chance again - I do it because I truly want them to know how I feel.

This life is far too short to plan ahead, as I'm learning. That takes the focus off of what you could be doing right now to enjoy life, and wastes valuable time by looking ahead. And as my soldier leaves the ground of the grand United States of America, hopefully I'll begin to treasure each day specifically as it's given to me. No more planning into next year, no more organizing or arranging so that life flows. Life flows the best when it's lived as it was intended: a dinner, a burst of loud raucous laughter, or a movie at a time. Here's to hoping that you, too, can realize how precious time and life are - and seize the moment. We're only given one life.

Let's do it up right.

Parting thought:

Just be - my mom.

*Photo used with permission if Illuminare.Images*

The Eternal Question

2009-07-09T17:56:00.004-07:00

What's my purpose?

At one point or another in our lives, we've all asked this question to ourselves - or to people that we know and trust.

Sometimes, it can tie our stomach up in knots and causes a cold sweat to break out on our necks as anxiety squeezes our lungs and makes us start to breath a little faster.

But mostly, it causes us to reflect on ourselves and where we've come from that has brought us to where we are. I'm a firm believer that Jesus Christ knew exactly what he was doing when he created this world, this life, and us to walk this Earth. There's nothing in me that questions that.

I think that our purpose as Christians is to live a life that pleases him, that causes people to ask us what makes us different so that we can share the word of God with them. Plain and simple. Some people call it "furthering His kingdom," I prefer to call it "spreading the good news." Whichev, we're not here to argue semantics.

Tonight I caught up with an old friend, and she asked me what my little sister was up to these days. Now, for most of you followers and friends who periodically drop in to read my page, you know that I'm as proud as I can be about my beautiful little sister. And her photography? Don't even get me started. Not only is my sister someone that I am *very* proud to have in my family, she's also my best friend, and I say all the time that she is growing into a phenomenal woman, inside and out. Well, as I was updating my family friend on my sister's whereabouts, I started to think about what my sister will end up doing with her life once she's done with school. Easy: she is going to be a photographer in Africa, working with missions.

She's said that since day one, ever since I can remember. One thing I love, and sometimes struggle to appreciate, about my darling mini-me is that she sees in black and white, no gray. When she says something, she'll stick to it. So there is no lee-way with her dreams. She will photograph children and war and God in Africa.

And as I shared this with my friend, it struck me that I envy my sister's steadfast determination. I love my life, I have a wonderful job - but am I where I ultimately want to be? I've always seen myself working with pregnant, unwed mothers and children- or the elderly. Am I on a stepping stone to a greater purpose for my life, or is this it? So many times we rush through the day and we don't stop to take a second to look in the mirror and study ourselves. What's missing? What could we be doing that might ease the wrinkles slowly gathering at our eyes and at our lips?

There is absolutely nothing in the world wrong with the other dreams I have for myself: I'd like to be a wife, then a mother, I'd like to stay a friend and be dependable for those in need. I'd like to serve the down and out, and I'd like to give my free time to someone who needs love and hope. I want to serve my Lord, Jesus Christ, with all of me - and my heart's desire is that he will continue to provide me with opportunities to do just that.

Today, I'd like to challenge you to go and pause in front of a mirror that's near you. Look in your own beautiful eyes- and ask if something is missing. Because if there is, there's nothing stopping you from going out and getting that missing puzzle piece. We only have one life to live - here's to hoping you live it well.

Parting thought:

I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainty that just to be alive is a grand thing - Agatha Christie, Autobiography (1977)

Talk soon.

*Image used with permission from illuminareimages.blogspot.com

Through The Silence, I Hear Him

2009-06-28T13:04:00.002-07:00

My God is not absent.

A lot of times, people think that God's not in their lives because he hasn't given them what they want, when they want it. Today in church, my pastor reflected on the last lesson of a series they've been doing called "God Is..." and the goal is to try to sum up Jesus Christ in 30 minutes. Okay, obviously Jehovah cannot be canned into a 30 minute speech... but there are a few very important things I've taken away from the series.

The main, and most vital, lesson about this is that God is always there. Even when you can't sense him. You can't hear him. You can't see him. As my sister said about this photo: and in the midst of silence, you hear Him most. She's totally right. Sometimes in the middle of the storm, it's easy to lose track of his voice. Sometimes the wind is ripping the things that you've held dear out of your life by the roots and you feel like you'll never get them back. Sometimes the biting, driving rain pelts your skin so hard that you feel like the pain won't ever end. For me, sometimes the cold and the lonliness of the winter makes me feel like no one will ever understand what I'm going through. But sometimes, in those quiet moments when you're alone and there's no one else around, you hear the voice of Jesus Christ whisper to the innermost part of who you are and it suddenly all clicks. He's been there the whole time, but we really haven't been listening. Or, maybe we were listening but there were too many distractions preventing us from understanding.

One time, my oldest brother said something to me that hit the nail squarely on the head for where I was at that time in my life. He told me, "Kim, I know where you are. You're in a room with seven CD players all blasting music at full impact and you just don't know what to do." He was right - sometimes I have so much "noise" in my life that I can't really see what God's trying to show me... or, sometimes it's just that I don't want to see. I know I'm not alone in making that choice, and I'm not ashamed to admit that because it's the truth. Sometimes what God is requiring of me is the most painful choice I have to make, given my options. But as I think about who my God really is, I understand that it isn't that God is some angry man in the sky...

The truth about Jesus Christ is that he loves and adores us more than we could ever possibly hope to understand, and he's waiting patiently for us to turn to him and say "Hey God? Can you turn off the music?" We weren't created to endure nonstop heartache, we were created to have the urge to turn to someone to make it all better. The mistake we make is to turn to people and expect them to provide the band-aids we need. The solution is to realize that God's band-aid is the only one that will fit.

Another realization I've had is that I don't have to fight my way through life anymore. Just like an angry, growling pit bull guarding a junk yard, Jesus Christ is prepared to station himself at the door of your heart and protect its precious contents. He doesn't get distracted by cuts and bruises in a battle. He sends in his warriors to fight on your behalf so that you don't have to. Granted, choosing to let Him take over can sometimes be the most painful part of it. Whether it's your finances, your relationships, your wants and desires and dreams for your future... sometimes you may feel like you know better than He does.

But, you couldn't be more wrong.

GOD knows what's best for us even when we think we know ourselves. He did create us, after all... so why not let the creator of who you are show you how he can protect you? I always tell people that if the creator of the universe, the entity that crafted the stars in the dark night sky, the oceans that pulse over the surface of this Earth, and the millions of unique people that walk this planet... if He did all of that but he still took his precious time to craft you and make you unlike anyone else, don't you think he cares about you?

Lately, I've been letting him fight my battles. I have scars to prove I tried to fight some on my own, but the wisdom those lessons afforded me are still something I wouldn't trade for anything. I have tumbled and fallen to the bottom of the hill, scraped, bloody, bruised, and looked up to see a hand that pulled me to my feet to wipe away the tears and make it all better. If I hadn't tumbled, I wouldn't have learned who He is.

As one of the guest pastors of my church said a few weeks ago, "If we didn't experience the pain of loss, how would we know of God's provision?" It isn't until you're at the end of yourself that you can see His purpose for your life. The journey is full of potholes, cliffs, rifts in the road, and you'll fall into them. That's pretty much a given. But when you make your way out with His help, you can't imagine the sunset you experience as the way you knew your life before, ends.

I'm telling you, that view, like the picture above, makes the entire journey worth it.

Parting thought:

Though at times the storms and stress of life
may cause my faith to quake,
the very faithfulness of God
no storm shall ever shake.
Though I may quake and tremble,
may worry and may sorrow,
God in His faithfulness will see
me through each new tomorrow.
I think God allows our problems
to give our faith a test,
to show that as we lean on Him
we can trust His faithfulness.
God warned us we'd face troubles
in this world we're living in
but Jesus died and lives again
to save our soul from sin.
He came not to change the world
but to change our heart and soul,
to give us hope and courage
to attain our fondest goal…
to blaze a trail before us
guide us safely through the "morrow,
to teach us and to comfort us
despite this world of sorrows,
if we keep faith and follow
God in His constant faithfulness
will surely lead us through
and will in time all grief arrest.
All we need to do is trust Him,
believe, just do our best,
to follow as He leads us
and let Him do the rest.
In Christ we can not be defeated
in this world by anything
if instead of being overwhelmed
we trust God in everything.
By trusting in God"s faithfulness,
in His omnipotence,
we too can overcome the world
and live with confidence.
God understands our weakness,
knows where we're coming from
but by trusting in His faithfulness
our own faith will overcome.
God wants us to lean on Him
when problems come around.
Faith is getting up again
more times than we are down.
God will carry us if need be
in those times we're hardest hit
if we believe, just lean on Him
and don't give up and quit.
He will not leave us for a moment.
Even in troubles we are blest
for God is always with us
and we can trust His faithfulness.

- A Bromley

Talk soon.

*Images above used with permission of Illuminare.Images*

A Swiftly Passing Moment

2009-06-23T18:36:00.005-07:00

Sometimes, I'll just be driving in my car and I'll have an epiphany: I'm not so young anymore.

I know this year marks the 24th of my life. I know that. And to some people, it may seem like it's ridiculous to say that I feel like I'm already old... but to be honest, I've been through so much already in this life that it feels sometimes like I am an old soul.

So on these days when I have this realization, I always think of when I go to the beach, and I pick up a handful of glittery golden sand. I like sand on the beach at night because it's cool to the touch and it just feels softer. I love to pick up a handful of sand and let the grains slowly and gracefully sift their gritty way through my fingertips, back to its foreign home as a neighbor to the sea.

Life's a lot like that sand. I'll never be able to pick up the same grains again, no matter how carefully I drop the grains or how particular I am with how it falls back to the ground. And like the slow motion of the sand drifting back to the sea of gold under my toes, I'll never be able to get back a moment of my life after it's passed.

Even just this week, the world has lost three big names in the race of life. And as I have endured one trial after another these past few days, I've allowed room for introspection. What is TRULY important? If I only get that handful of sand back, what would I have done differently?

So lately I've been trying to enjoy my life with each new day. Laugh. Drink a second glass of your favorite wine. When you feel the urge to go talk to someone you don't know- do it. The other day I ran into an old high school teacher whose faith and kind spirit always stood out to me - so I told him, even though there's no way he remembered who I was. I walked away really glad that I had, because you never know how God is going to use you or what you say to someone else.

Buy a hammock and swing on it on a quiet summer night with someone that you care about- stare at the stars, open yourself up to them. Take time to play an extra five minutes with your dog. Go for a run before a rainstorm, enjoy the fresh air that accompanies the thunder. There are so many things in this world that are so easy to do and that can seriously improve the quality of your life if you'll just stop to enjoy them. I lost my grandfather last year, suddenly, and to this day I still wish he was here so that I could call him and we could rant about the crappy job our president is doing, or talk about golf, or have him rib me because I promised to send him something that I haven't gotten around to yet. My heart aches sometimes because I know he isn't coming back to me - but as much as I miss him, I don't regret anything because he left this earth and he knew exactly how much I loved him. I'd always take a minute to call him on Veteran's Day, or tell him how much I appreciated him when I was hanging out with my Dad and we called him together. That ache won't go away, but the satisfaction of knowing I chose to take a minute to enjoy my grandfather as he was will always stay with me.

I have the battle scars to prove that life on this Earth is anything but easy. Frankly, my scars are nothing compared to those of Jesus Christ, so when I have a bad or difficult day, I try to keep it in perspective. He's blessed us with the neverending gift of a brand new day every 24 hours. Tomorrow, use yours to go and do something unexpected. And as you do this,

Enjoy the satisfaction of knowing you are living a life well lived.

Parting thought:

Do not pray for easy lives; pray to be stronger men. Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers;pray for powers equal to your tasks. Then the doing of your work shall be no miracle, but you shall be a miracle. Every day you shall wonder at yourself, at the richness of life which has come to you by the grace of God. - Phillips Brooks

Talk soon.

*Image used with permission from Illuminare.Images*

Don't Put A Question Mark Where God Puts a Period.

2009-06-06T07:29:00.003-07:00

Life, and love, are very complicated. To say that someone has "mastered the game" would be a ridiculous comment to make. No one can ever completely figure out the opposite sex, it is a physical impossibility- no matter how many dates you go on, no matter what kind of personality or upbringing you have. No way.

I frequently tell my best friends that we aren't getting any younger. And as we pass the time we've been given on this earth, I've come to realize a few things. I'd really like to share these things with you - part of me really hopes that through all of the things I've learned and experienced, someone out there sees they're not the only ones to struggle with the things I've struggled with. Today, I'd like to take you on a little journey as we talk about what the big curly-headed angel with the bow and arrow has been teaching me.

One, absolutely never, under any circumstances, should you settle. Not once. I think that people, and in this case, men (because I'm primarily speaking to the ladies) see women for who they *are,* not who they try to be. The worst thing that you can do is change yourself to please someone else. God doesn't make mistakes, in my opinion, and he made you exactly the way you are for a reason. For example, I struggle with the scars I've had made from all of my melanoma surgeries... but lately, I've come to embrace them. They're who I am, they are my story, and they are me. I hope that you readers know that you are beautiful the way that you are, there's no reason to change that masterpiece to fit the ideals of someone else. And in coming with this piece of advice, comes the idea that you should absolutely have standards when you date. Don't accept someone into your life just because they're a body who calls you when you don't have plans. Accept someone into your life because you can't imagine yourself without them. And don't falter in your beliefs just to appease someone else... don't let go of God because it isn't popular, don't dress fancy because he wears Polo, don't let go of your love of country because he's into Metal. Always keep the integrity of who you are and who you want to be, and refuse to give that up for anyone in life- love interest or platonic friend. The greatest gift you've been given is the person that you will become, and there is no reason for you to change that just for someone who is a fleeting interest.

Besides, the right guy will treasure you for exactly who you are - faults, disagreements, grungy days.

I put a picture of my brother and my best friend up because that's the focus of what I want to talk about today. For those of you who don't know (and if you don't know, you must not know me, because I talk about it all the time!) my oldest brother, my beloved brother, is marrying a fantastic woman in a few months. Their relationship hasn't been easy, or perfect, but they've shown me that a desire to truly love someone to the core of who they are IS enough to make a relationship last. I've been so inspired by their love story because it shows me that true, healthy love can and does exist in this world. If I had to pick something to share with you about my emotions about the wedding, it's Joy. Joy because it shows true love IS possible. Joy because good, Christian men ARE out there. Joy because as a woman, it shows that you don't have to sacrifice who you are to be able to find the man of your dreams - Sara's a fantastic woman inside and out, she has the gentlest nature I've ever seen in anyone in my entire life, and she and John together are the kind of couple that make you say "I want what they have." It's a blessing in my life to be able to see this kind of relationship - and although I've had some great relationships in my time, these two give me something to aspire to.

You don't have to know them to know what they have. And you don't have to wait forever until you can have your own version. A lot of people are surprised at the stances that I have made in my life. I credit my entire life course to Jesus Christ. He made me who I am, even through the moments when I tried to turn away; he brought me back to life. And as I give him my dating, my love story, and whoever he brings into my life and allows to stay - he will still be in control. I have a lot of self-respect, and the things I'd like to share with you today are simple.

1: Let the man call. Men were built emotionally to be the pursuer, the hunter, and no matter how many times he says he likes a woman who calls - inside, he doesn't. He wants to be the one to call. (Besides, I've always said, if a guy wants to talk - he'll call you).

2. Respect yourself, and the (right) guy will respect you. Sadly, this doesn't apply to all men - but the good ones respect stands that you make, and won't push you to break them. This is usually a great way to weed out the losers.

3. Take your time. There's no need to rush things. You may not be getting any younger but you're also aging at a slow pace, and you don't need to get an engagement ring on the second date. Dating is about finding out who you are, what you like in someone and what you don't like - it should never be a race to the finite finish line! Things crash and burn too easily when they haven't had time to perfect themselves. Dating is no different.

4. Maintain your own identity. I understand in a relationship, it's perfectly natural to want to share your life with someone. But that is all it should be - sharing. Not forgoing 2 separate identities just because you're dating exclusively. I say that you should each have your own life and then allow the other person into yours. Never sacrifice your own identity, your own desires, your own hobbies and interest, for anyone else.

5. Enjoy yourself. I've learned, at times the hard way, not to take life too seriously. Be silly. Try new restaurants and foods (just yesterday I was told I needed to "expand my horizons" by trying a spider sushi roll... I said "Whatever" and went with it - and it was good!). Watch a movie genre you've never seen. LAUGH. Whatever you do, this time in our lives was meant to be a time we always remember with fond memories. Don't go and waste that time on someone who doesn't deserve it - or you.

I hope, above all, that you see that a really great and healthy love is possible for everyone. I am in love with the music of a guy named Brandon Heath. He sings some phenomenal Christian music, but my favorite song is called "Let's Make It Last." I want to leave you with these lyrics, and one more thing. During one of the most painful experiences in my life, my mom said this to me. Whenever something happens my mind instantly travels back to this - as you live your life, live it according to this thought:

Parting thought:

"It won't always be this way." - my beautiful Mom.

Talk soon.

"Let's Make It Last"

Brandon Heath

Off the "Don't Get Comfortable" album.

Rain come down tonight

Except for the bump on my head I'm feeling all right

Dancing to our favorite tune

I pulled you in way too soon

Bang when the drums we went boom

Yeah

Running through the yard

Splashing through puddles with you without regard

Do you think the neighbors will care

So what if they do, they'll just stare

The kids will all say its not fair

The way that we love

The way that we laugh

It's something worth seeing

So let's make it last

Let's make it last

Come some sunny day

We'll call in sick to our jobs

What will we say

She's coming down with a flue

I think that I'm catching it too

This is what love makes you do

The way that we love

The way that we laugh

It's something worth seeing

So let's make it last

(Photo courtesy of MC Photography)

Change Isn't All Bad

2009-05-16T21:28:00.002-07:00

So, they say that when every door closes, God opens a window. Well, I don't like to think that God's that predictable- but I do think that he likes to keep us on our toes and allows the path of our lives to consistently change.

Today marks the end of an era. The cessation of a legacy. Sara, my best friend and soon-to-be-sister and I have (almost) returned the keys to 927 and moved on with life. I am saving for a house. She is preparing to marry my brother and will be moving downtown in a few months (holla!) and staying with her sis temporarily.

Although this is really sad to me (yes, I did get choked up several times today- and not because of the amount of crap we had to move & organize in 100% humidity and violent downpours), it's also really exciting. Sara is an absolutely incredible best friend, and I have had an absolute fabulous time living with her... she's been the perfect roommate, but she's been more than that. I have heard the saying that God never gives us more than we can handle.

I don't think so.

I absolutely think God Does give us more than we can handle because when we are weighed down & can't do it on our own, it forces us to choose to fail, or to trust Him (if life was easy, when would we ever turn to Him?). The past year and a half has been supremely difficult for me, probably the most difficult my life has ever experienced. But through it all, Sara's consistent & dependable friendship- combined with her kind and gentle nature (which has helped to tame mine at times) has really been a huge blessing. While I'm sad that she won't be my roommate, I will be thrilled to have her become my sister <3

And as I prepare to save for a down payment on a house (scary!) to hopefully start a new chapter of my life, I can't help but review the past few pages. Lots of tumultuous events, lots of learning, and lots & lots upon lots of growing pains in life. I've become a newer, stronger, more mature woman than I ever hoped to become, and that hasn't come without its share of challenges. And as I look ahead, I can't help but become really excited.

I'm moving into a new chapter of my life where I don't know what to expect. That special guy in my life recently secured a position with a great company back here in Charlotte... and will be moved home this time next weekend (after 5 years). It's exciting, it's a little confusing, but it'll be great to have him home & to be able to refresh our relationship. My job's going really well, my family has been amazing and blessed beyond measure, I've rekindled some priceless friendships with some phenomenal women... and I can say, without a doubt, I feel like I have emerged from this past chapter of my life with a renewed sense of direction & self-awareness.

I'm ready for whatever challenge life hands me next, and I'm looking forward to seizing each new opportunity to find out more about Jesus Christ and what paths he has set for my life.

Parting thought:

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy, for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another - Anatole France

Talk soon.

Define Yourself.

2009-04-29T17:44:00.005-07:00

So, Jesus Christ is the most important thing in my life.

But on that list, far down, are politics. And with what's going on in this country, I have a bit of a bone to pick. First, with our president.

Now, I understand that this country is really divided over him (he only won with 53% of the vote, mind you. That means 47% did not choose him as their president). That means we aren't all going to agree. I will say, straight, that I voted for John McCain and I don't regret it. I did, and still do, think he's the best choice for this country. Obviously, I didn't get what I wanted, and I have to settle for Obama.

That being said, I have a few points of contention. One is the fact that he has, not once, taken responsibility for a single choice that he has made. He's even trying to back out of taking responsibility for the omnibus spending plan, now. Okay, if that was a elementary school child trying to avoid taking a nap, we'd understand. But we're talking about the essential leader of the free world, who violently and forcefully rammed through a trillion dollar stimulus plan, using the world "catastrophe" 27 times in one speech to describe the disparity of the world if we did not pass it- and then took a 3-day vacation. Something tells me the wheels of Air Force One don't quite touch the ground... he's not really living here with the rest of us. He can't speak without a teleprompter. He has hired numerous heads of cabinent with felonious tax problems, legal problems, ethics conflicts, and horrendous track records in their previous careers.

These people are running our country.

And now, we have a level 5, almost-pandemic outbreak of swine flu... and the head of our Department of Homeland Security (for those of you who are unaware of what they do, they are in charge of protecting this country from national and international threats... ie: securing the homeland) refuses to consider closing the border to prevent even further spread of a highly contagious airborne disease. Because, in essence, she doesn't want to.

Yes, that makes a whole lot of sense.

Politics aside (as if that were possible), I have a second bone to pick. Now, I'm not the biggest fan of banks in general. BUT, I do understand the necessity of fiscal diversity for consumers, the need to have multiple choices for places to store your funds. I get it. But, I DO have a problem with the way the unions and ill-informed individuals have attempted to crucify Ken Lewis of Bank of America.

First, back in January, the Obama-nation White House, and this joke of a Congress/Senate, come to Lewis and say "Hey, you're going to take this installment of tax payer money. It's your patriotic duty (anytime BO says that, watch out) to take this money. Oh- and by the way, I know we talked about this in December- you're going to take over Merrill Lynch. We'll give you tax payer money for that too, but you don't really have a choice. Learn to like it." So, Ken Lewis goes through with the merger- to the chagrin of their shareholders, I'll admit that. They didn't have all the information before they voted it through, and that was wrong.

But, fast-forward to early April 2009. The bottom has almost totally fallen out of the financial markets, nasty bare-bones are exposed to this BoA-Merrill deal, and people are looking to get angry. Not to be counted in the slightest is the fact that BoA posts a 1Q PROFIT in a recession... nope, that doesn't matter. Worker unions who have pensions invested in BoA decide to jump on Lewis, and make him the scapegoat for all things related to the "r" word, and start calling for Lewis to resign.

Now, let's level. Ken Lewis brought Bank of America through two successful mergers, one with Countrywide in late '08 and one with Merrill Lynch that was voted through in late '08 and early '09. Successful. They posted a profit. They MADE MONEY in the first financial quarter of 2009. Yet the unions, deciding they don't have enough to be angry about, get exhausted consumers riled up on lies and misrepresented truth and start to rally based on that anger. The vote went before the common and preferred stockholders today at the Annual Meeting, and the verdict has been delivered that the role of Chairman & CEO has been split, leaving him the CEO and leaving BoA grasping for a stand-in for the role of Chairman (they can kiss Hugh McColl goodbye, he's already said he won't do it).

Here's my issue- what in the WORLD do these unions, these every day misguided citizens, really think this is going to do? Many Charlotte-based and statewide financial groups and panels have come out in SUPPORT of Ken Lewis, not limited to the Charlotte Chamber (all business professionals), the United Way, Habitat for Humanity, and the North Carolina Treasury Department. In layman's terms: the people who know business in Charlotte. What could one union (knowing that unions are largely responsible for the failure of a large number of public businesses since their inception in the mid-1900s, most recently the almost-demise of Ford Motor Co & almost successful ruin of GM Motors & Chrysler) *possibly* know about what's best for a publicly held company? One only needs to google "UAW" to understand how these entities are such a tool against free enterprise and capitalism in today's economic world.

Bottom line: They don't know anything relevant in this situation, and they should shut up and get out of the kitchen because they obviously cannot stand the heat. And, there has been a large mistake made by ousting Ken Lewis from part of his job. I sincerely stand behind him and will continue to do so.

I had to rant and purge myself of these feelings of irritation. Mainly because I only carry one vote, and although I do my best during campaign season by volunteering, campaigning, and for those of you who know me- even wearing my political gear... I can only do so much. Which brings me to my idea today: if you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything. I'm very passionate about being a Conservative Republican. I'm very proud of who and what I believe in. So, you should decide what you stand for.

What do you get passionate about supporting? Is it being Pro-life? Is it being Pro-family, supporting the model of traditional marriage? Maybe you're on the flip side of the issues from me. I don't care what it is, but decide what you stand for it and stand for it, unconditionally. With how rapidly this world is deteriorating, socially, financially, and even physically now- it's more important than ever to stand and fight for what you believe.

For me, it's God, Family, Country. I'm unapologetically traditional, I love my family, I love this country, and I'll defend them to the end of me. What about you?

Who are you, really?

Parting thought:

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what was. I accepted their answers, too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naive. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself - Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"

Talk soon.

*Pictures above used with permission from MC Photography*

I Thank God Every Day For...

2009-04-16T19:02:00.005-07:00

Driving with the windows down, sunroof open, sister in the passenger seat & singing as loud as possible to Dave Barnes or Taylor Swift. A beautiful Carolina day at the driving range, capped off with a dinner with my Dad. Snuggling with my puppy and a great movie on a rainy Saturday night. Family cookouts at my parents' houses, hanging outside on the patio for hours after we've finished a meal. The smile that wrinkles the eyes of someone special in my life.

These are the simple things that make me grateful for my life. Just a few, honestly if I wrote them all we'd both be here for awhile! But I want you to see that there are things in life that are positive, even in the midst of pain that can seem insurmountable.

I'll make no secret about the fact that I dislike our government, I dislike our President, our elected officials, and most of the people running this country. I think this country is long overdue for the repercussions of some of the choices that we've made... making abortion legal, allowing stem cell research, and yes- even gay marriage. I disagree with all of these things. The stimulus plan? The "budget" for the federal government? Come on. A two year old could make more sense than these people do. The DOW plunging and peaking every other day, playing hacky-sack with the life savings of thousands of fiscally responsible American's 401k and retirement funds... an appeasement approach to foreign affairs (has never worked, will never work). Hundreds of thousands of hard-working American workers told not to bother coming into work.

Yes, this is a difficult time.

But it is NOT the end of the world.

Do you have air in your lungs? Do you have clean clothing that fits that lays upon your back? Can you get up from an air-conditioned room and walk into ANOTHER room to your fridge for a snack? How about going outside and going to church in public? Maybe capping that off with a lunch at your favorite restaurant? When you're home, you put pocket change into a secret stash? Well, if you can do any of these things, you're in the top 1% of the world. The WORLD. Count yourself as absolutely blessed, but don't feel guilty for what you have. Just be thankful.

In the midst of everything we struggle with these days- jobs, family, relationships, money, health... in the end, things aren't that bad. Think about the things that you love to do with your time. Do you volunteer? Do you call up a friend and grab coffee? Maybe you stretch your muscles and go for a nice, long run. Well, as long as we can still do these simple things in life, we're going to be okay.

I want to challenge you. Seriously, bare with me. Go grab a sheet of paper and a pen. And think about five things that you can do now that you really enjoy. Just 5 things. I'll share one of mine with you: I can go to church and praise Jesus Christ without the fear of being imprisoned or killed. That's a huge thing to me. What are yours? - list them out, and the next time CNN or MSNBC tries to tell you that the world is ending, *pull out the list.* Read it out loud. And be thankful that you can do those things.

It's the simple things in life that make me enjoy my time on this earth the most. My family, my friends, my dog... I may not have much, but I have people that love me and a lot of huge blessings in my life. I'm sure you do, too-

So go out and enjoy them. Turn off the news, go grab a fresh breath of air from your doorstep, and cherish this day we've been given. Because after all, sometimes all it takes is to look through the shadows to see the light.

Parting thought:

Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward the life that God intended for you with Grace, Strength, Courage, and Confidence - Og Mandino

Talk soon.

*Photo above used with permission from MC Photography*

This One's For The Girls

2009-04-13T16:51:00.003-07:00

Sorry guys, today it's all about us ladies!

My entire life changed because of a bible verse in a homemade picture frame. "Uh, yeah, okay, Kim!" you may think. Well, I'm telling the truth- and I'm also going to explain why I say that. About 3 years ago, my sister gave me a Christmas present that contained Psalm 45:11 "The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord." I opened up that frame and I couldn't stop crying for almost 10 minutes. It broke my heart, and the reason why is because I had been searching for years, through relationships, through circumstances, through events in my life- searching for who I was and how much I was worth. I've been a Christian since I was 6, so it wasn't about not having been saved. It was about not understanding what a walk, and relationship, with Jesus Christ means.

I have that framed bible verse in my room, still, 3 years later, and every day I look at it and re-read it. What my sister started was the breaking and revitalizing of a life lived slightly off-kilter for just about 19 years. I am a good kid, I was then- I've made a purity stand that I have kept for my entire life, so it isn't like I made terrible decisions. But after I got that picture frame, I realized something: I was absolutely sick of being satisfied with my life. I wanted more. And you know what? I went out and I got it.

I started by listening to the song "Beautiful" by Bethany Dillon, off of her self-titled "Bethany Dillon" cd. If you have iTunes, go buy it. It will be the best $0.99 you have ever spent. Second, please please go buy "Do You Think I'm Beautiful" by Angela Thomas. It was with this book, and the song written by Bethany Dillon after she read it, that helped to shake things up in my life. I think that the book will show you exactly what God sees when he looks at you. Those imperfections, those things we don't like- God loves. It's written in a real, "Wow I really get this" kind of way, so there won't be an issues about it being over your head. It is GREAT.

And last, I realized that a relationship with God is really easy, actually. All you have to do is talk to him. Some people call it praying, I think that's a formal word for it. Prayer's nothing more than a conversation with God, so call it whatever you want- but try it. When things are bad, most people will say they have said "if you're there, God, I just need"... and they'll fill in the blank. So we both know you've done that. But what about if you try praying when you don't need something? What about if you've had a great day and you just want to share it? "Hey God, I got that contract I was really counting on at the last minute. It's really great! Just wanted to share." It may sound crazy to you, but what's the difference between that and leaving a voicemail for a friend? Eventually they call back, and when you build a walk with God, you'll feel him answer... no difference.

Chat it up, and know one more thing: Most relationships between a man and a woman are built on the man pursuing the woman... so let God pursue you. You start the prayer, you indicate that you want to know Him- and he takes the rest out of your hands. It's that easy. Men love the wooing- whether or not they show that they do. At least, the *right* ones do. God's no difference (besides, who *created* that desire in men??) because he loves to do it too. He sends you golden sunrises streaked with red, even with its own soundtrack of chirping birds for you to wake up to. He sends you flowers every spring and summer- and even waters them for you! He sends you warm breezes on summer nights to pick up your spirits, and beautiful foliage in the autumn that paints the mountains with its vivid colors. He sends you sun to warm your skin and light your days, and the stars & moon to decorate the night. All of this: because he loves you.

If he's doing all of this and you haven't really gotten to know him- can you IMAGINE what he'll do once you start to question who he is??

Just a heads up: it will totally change your life for the better!

I'm going to close by posing a question: When you look in the mirror... what do you see? Other than the obvious (hair, two eyes, a nose, some small-ish ears...). Truthfully, what do you see? Some of us may see that scar from when we were kids that has blemished our chin for 20 + years. Others may see the wrinkles as our eyes have squinted, in the same way, for our entire lives. Some may see the nose bump, the chocolate freckles that dot our forehead... maybe the slightly crooked bottom teeth that twinkle when we smile. Chances are, when you look into that reflective glass, you pick out your faults.

Aren't you glad that's not what Jesus does?

When he looks at you, he doesn't see faults. He sees skin that has weathered many sunny days as we enjoyed beautiful parks, playing with children on a jungle gym. He loves the way you have laugh lines beside your eyes- a direct result of laughing out loud more times than you could ever count. His favorite is the way that nobody else has that little bump right under your eyes- and he knows how you got it because you were climbing a tree when you were younger and you accidentally slipped.

My point is that where you see bumps and scars, God sees beauty and possibility. And while it's pretty easy for us to pick out our faults with our physical body- God cares a lot more about your spiritual body. You know, the one that reacts when you have a bad day or an argument with someone... the one that responds to a broken heart or a hurtful glance. And as women, at least to men, it seems as though this body is the one that we react out of most of the time.

I always joke that "as women, being emotional is our prerogative." That's true, but not entirely. God created us to be different. And the best thing that we can do, knowing we were created as daughters of the King, Jesus Christ, is to embrace it and seek to know Him. After all- he is definitely wanting to get to know Y-o-u!

Parting thought:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others - Maryanne Williamson

Talk soon.

Redeemed.

2009-04-12T06:40:00.004-07:00

There's something about me that I hope you know by now: My faith is the most important thing in my life.

I don't mean it in a passe, "Oh yeah, God's my best friend, blah blah blah" kind of way like a lot of people seem to say these days. I mean it in a real, "I can't live my life or take a breath of air without the love and real presence of Jesus Christ in me" kind of way. And today, on Easter Sunday, I feel led to share with you what that relationship has meant to me over the past few years.

I've had skin cancer since I was 16, and I've even had lymph nodes removed. My parents divorced before I was 9. I've lost several people in my life, tragically. There have been times when the storms of life left me gasping for air. And through it all, I have praised Jesus Christ because he saved me again and again and again. And the best thing is that my life's nowhere near over- so I'm going to get to keep praising Him.

A lot of people have asked me how I can trust Him through everything that's happened. And it's a very easy answer. So many people blame God when their circumstances are just a result of their choices... for example, losing a job, getting sick, getting pregnant- these are direct results (about 99% of the time) of a choice we've made. So when people ask me how I can trust God even though there's so much negative in the world, I look them straight in the eye and I tell them this:

Because he's suffering right beside me as I go through each trial.

Those days when your heart breaks and you can't stop crying because of the pain: his heart is breaking right beside you as you cry, knees on the floor. When your anger gets the best of you and you can't stop thinking about how someone has wronged you: He's the quiet voice in your heart, reminding you they're just as imperfect as you are. When life is holding a pressure hose at you and as soon as you manage to stand you're knocked over again: He's the quiet, steady hand that pulls you to your feet in the middle of the impact.

You may think that this sounds like I'm preaching. I'm not. I'm trying to share with you how real my relationship with Jesus Christ has become over the past several years.

It hasn't stopped my heart from breaking. It hasn't stopped the nights when I wished I knew where the "off" button was to turn off the pressure hose so I could have a chance to breathe. It hasn't stopped people from hurting me, from forgetting me. It hasn't gotten me richer, prettier, more financially secure. It didn't protect me from the painful, difficult lessons life has to teach us.

But it HAS given me a joy that the trials of life can't shake. It HAS given me peace, so that even when the world seems to be crashing around me, I know that it will stop- or that He'll protect me as it falls. It HAS given me the ability to love people where they are, even if they wrong me or if they hurt me- because I understand why they act the way they do. It HAS given me a security to know that I have a heavenly father who loves me, even when I can't love myself. I HAVE gotten, *finally* understood, what my worth is in Jesus Christ- and that my life is okay even if it only has me in it. I CAN laugh even when life hurts. I CAN enjoy each day as they come because I know He's in charge of my future. I DO have security- the God who created the universe and knows every event before it comes to pass wants to be in control of my life... um, easy choice! (I let him!)

My life is constantly changing. Each time a new trial presents itself, I have a conscious choice to make: Do I try to do this, or do I pass it to God? The times when I have passed it to God, I have learned more about myself than any self-help book or psychologist could ever teach... and I've learned even more about how much He loves me. It's an easy choice now, pretty much second nature.

And on a day like today, when I'm reminded of how very much Jesus Christ loves me and you because of the sacrifice he made on the cross at Calvary thousands of years ago, I can't keep quiet. I have to shout it from the mountaintops (or from the computer screens) because, as David said in the Bible when his wife Bathsheba tried to tell him not to dance, "I will become even more undignified than this!" (2 Samuel 6:22) I'm going to share my faith with you because I won't keep it to myself. He has redeemed both of us, just by giving his life for ours.

I hope in your heart, when you look at the Old Rugged Cross, that you see what I do, the sight that brings me to tears because of the love behind it: Jesus Christ endured that death, the death of an innocent man in the most painful way possible, because he loves YOU. He died for YOU. Whether or not you believe in him, He gave his life to wipe away every single one of your sins, past, present, or future.

Will you let his death be in vain? Don't let your life pass without at least asking a few questions, or reading a few passages of the Bible, to learn about who He was, and is, and is to come. After all, He already loves you ;)

HE IS RISEN, INDEED! - Here's hoping you have the most blessed Easter of all.

Parting thought:

"Trust me, my child," he says. "Trust me with a fuller abandon than you ever have before. Trust me, as minute succeeds minute, every day of your life, for as long as you live. And if you become conscious of anything hindering our relationship, do not hurt me by turning away from me. Draw all the closer to me, allow me to hide you, to protect you, even from yourself. Tell me your deepest cares, your every trouble. Trust me to keep my hand upon you. I will never leave you. I will shape you, mold you, and protect you. Do not fear, oh child of my love, do not fear. I LOVE YOU." - Anonymous (but obviously, God).

Talk soon.

*Picture above taken with permission from MC Photography*

What's Really Important?

2009-04-01T15:36:00.007-07:00

Most Sundays, as I'm getting ready for the week ahead, I seriously cannot account for where the time went during the weekend. As adults, we spend all week looking forward to the weekend- thinking of all that we will- or won't- be doing... getting excited about the two solid blocks of 24 hour days where we get to choose exactly how we spend our time. But somehow, as those two days loom closer and closer in front of us... they come and go without time slowing down at all. It's almost like the anticipation of the weekend is the climb upward on the roller coaster- and the actual weekend is the downward part of the roller coaster ride. Almost a cruel trick :)

But with time swiftly passing, it always makes me think about how precious life truly is. And about what's really important. None of us never knows the exact way, or time, in life when we'll be called home, and I think that what REALLY matters in life- not material things, not accomplishments, not fancy titles- is how we live it.

How do you want to be remembered when you're gone? I have always wanted to know that with each person I met, I touched their life in such a way that they have a great memory to remember me by. I know in life, we don't really have control over anything except for how we handle the situations that we live through- and the biggest thing I've come to learn over the past several years of my life is that people don't pay attention so much to what you're going through as they do how you live through them. Life has definitely been very difficult for me at times, I won't lie. But over the past parts of my life where it's felt like life has socked me with one issue after another, I'd like to think I've handled it with the only thing that works- the strength and unshakeable faith of Jesus Christ. And hopefully, as I've been blessed with the grace and courage that can endure fire and bring you out unscathed... that people notice.

One of the best compliments I've ever gotten was when an old friend told me, "There's something different about you. There's a light about you that I don't ever see in anyone else-" mainly because that light has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with Jesus Christ. And I hope that as life tempts you, as life throws curveballs at you- and as life tests your mettle, that you remember one thing: With Jesus Christ, anything is possible.

Parting thought:

If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain; if I can ease one life the aching, or cool one pain, or help one fainting robin unto his nest again, I shall not live in vain - Emily Dickinson.

Talk soon.

*Picture above taken with permission from MC Photography*

America, Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave

2009-03-23T16:37:00.005-07:00

I love this country.

It isn't really one particular thing that makes me love her. I think it's an accumulation of things that has formed my admiration for this beautiful land. Part of it is her natural beauty. I know I've spoken about how much I love the mountains... preeeetty sure you know how much I love them! I love how different parts of the climates are, even just across a few hundred miles. I love how, like in San Diego, you can have mountains, desert, and beach all within 30 minutes. I love how the weather, in Florida, can go from beautiful & breezy with no clouds, to an angry black sky with thunder and raging lightening. I love the beaches of North Carolina and South Carolina, the water of the Keys.

I also love the people. Well, most of the people. I love the people that love my country... those that want to protect her, cherish her, DEFEND her. The people that look around at the blue sky, the endless open plains of the Midwest, even the frigid blue waters at the base of the Rocky Mountains, and see promise. Opportunity. Possibility. The ones who feel pride welling in their throats and in their heart when they see Old Glory, bruised and battered, gently waving in the balmy summer breeze. I love these people because I am these people. We are grateful for what opportunities that our Lord Jesus Christ has blessed with- and we really do understand that we don't have a Right to any of it. What we have is what we earn (not what we take from someone else). There's something to be said for an old-fashioned work ethic, getting up early, working late, really having pride when you take your paycheck to the bank (and understanding that, thanks to our greedy government, we won't get to take it all home) and cashing it... then using it to provide for our families.

Last, I love what she stands for. Hard work. Achievement. Endless possibilities. No matter what the people in Washington say about her, this will always be a country that supports Life (unborn and born), Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. Our Founding Fathers had the right idea when they arrived here from England, searching for freedom from religious persecution and the ability to choose what was right for themselves and their families.

Let's get back to our basics. When did we fall so far away from where we began? I think it would really benefit everyone to take a second, push back from the computer & stand up from your desk, and go outside. Take a deep breath of fresh air, listen to the birds chirping, and thank God that you live in the United States. If you have money in a jar in the dresser or in a fold in your wallet, you're in the top richest 1% of the world.

Isn't it time we really gave thanks for our blessings?

Parting thought:

When an American says that he loves his country, he means not only that he loves the New England hills, the prairies glistening in the sun, the wide & rising plains, the great mountains, and the sea. He means that he loves an inner air, an inner light in which freedom lives & in which a man can draw the breath of self-respect - Adlai Stevenson

Talk soon.

What makes a true friend?

2009-03-22T06:56:00.003-07:00

With the passage of time, I think it's natural for people to re-evaluate their priorities, their likes and dislikes, their hopes and dreams... and their relationships. I think it just happens, and when it does, you just gotta go along for the ride. It is a sociological fact that our personalities settle in to a groove by the age we're 30: so what does that mean for our personalities? Wouldn't it make sense for things to consistently change until we reach that age?

Recently, I've mainly been re-evaluating my friendships. And I've been asking myself what I really value. Is it someone who has the same values I do? Do they like to do the same things?- maybe they even have the same fashion sense? Of course, the answers to all of these questions are "no." If I only had friendships with people who were exactly like me, I'd be bored out of my mind (and equally shallow). The answers to these questions are really pretty simple: I want a friend who will be a friend back to me. I understand that no two people will be alike, but it's important to be similar in at least one aspect: the effort you contribute to a friendship.

Nobody wants to always be the one who's always the "fallback friend," there when a crisis strikes at 3am and you answer the phone to a teary, upset mess. And nobody ever wants to be the dependable glue that helps to pick up the pieces and put them back together again. What I've found is that when you're in this position... eventually you decide it isn't really a friendship anymore, and you move on. It's never easy, but sometimes you need to do it- for yourself.

The silver lining to this problem, which I think is a universal phenomenon with friendships & relationships everywhere, is that when this happens, not only do you have a chance to look honestly at yourself and re-examine if you have some growing, maturing, and other changes to make in your own life... it also helps you to appreciate the true friendships that you do have. I'm fortunate enough to have two *amazing* sisters, and two fabulous best friends that truly are living examples of the words "true friends." I'm very thankful for them - but they know this already!

I hope that this rant today is the catalyst for one of two things: either you realize you're not alone when you re-evaluate your friendships from time to time (everybody does it)... or it makes you grateful because you know you have some truly great people in your life. As I shared, I'm very grateful for my four best friends- and of course, the other amazing people in my life.

Parting thought:

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares - Henri Nouwen

Talk soon.

2009-03-20T16:37:00.003-07:00

Jumpin' on the bandwagon

I'm going to have to concede defeat. After reading the witty quips of my numerous blog-literate friends... I, too, have given in. I am officially making my debut, and I'm not going to deny that it actually feels pretty good to be one of the masses (this once). Now if anyone actually READS what I write... well, that's a different story.

Now, about my picture. Well, I'm not going to lie, most of the time I'm not in Boone, I wish I was. Aside from those that include my family and my three FABULOUS best friends, some of my absolute favorite memories include an absolutely out-of-this-world blonde guy (don't need to tell you who because if you need to know, you already do) and our adventures in Boone, North Carolina. I love everything about it: the winding roads, the haze that settles around the mountaintops like the Congo after it's rained, the crisp air that takes the air out of your lungs in the winter, the black & gold Mountaineer football (almost as good as green & gold, but still out of this world AND equally exciting), downtown King's Street & all the different places to hike. I could go on and on and on about all of the fun stuff there is to do... although my favorite would definitely be hiking to the top of a mountain & taking a picnic along for the walk. Of course, everyone has one place where they escape to when they need it. I'm fortunate to have so many fabulous memories to remember when I get to escape to mine :)

Here's hoping that all of you out there have a place you can escape.

Parting thought

I hope that everyone out there has a love like this one: Oh that it were possible, after long grief and pain, to find the arms of my true love around me once again - Tennyson

Talk soon.