The Battle

There's a song that we sing at my church every so often. Usually we happen to sing it on a day when I have something weighing on my heart - which, these days, seems to be every Sunday. As soon as I hear our worship leader start to strum his guitar, my breath leaps out of my lungs and it hits me right in my heart.

The lyrics are incredibly simple, but they're so beautiful (I suggest checking out the link and listening along with these lyrics [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoUy88Pcf90]:

I will exalt You
I will exalt You
I will exalt You
You are my God

Chorus:
My hiding place My safe refuge
My treasure Lord You are
My friend and King Anointed One
Most Holy.

Verse 2:
Because You’re with me
Because You’re with me
Because You’re with me
I will not fear

Literally, when I hear that first word, I can't even talk. I can't sing, all I can do is raise my hands and let the tears run over my cheeks. If someone were to ask me why, I would have one word for them: reverence. Merriam-Webster dictionary defines "reverence" in this way: honor or respect felt or shown, especially : profound adoring awed respect.

What better way to express my love for my God than with that description?: profound, adoring, awe. I'm overcome with love for Him, and at that moment, the worship service instantly becomes a time for me to break in front of my father.

I share this experience with you to tell you about what I've been learning lately. I know it's been awhile since I posted, but I think it's because I've been a work in progress and God and I haven't finished the draft yet. At least not until now, where I can share with you the journey I've taken the past few weeks.

I have had some peaks and some valleys. Largest praise is that I received an "all's clear" cancer biopsy result, so that makes it 5 months without a cancer spell (Praise the LORD!) That's been my main source of encouragement. The rest has felt like one valley after another. I've been feeling an urgency in my heart to make some serious changes in my life, the largest of which is to put my relationship with Jesus Christ at the forefront of my heart and my life. Put him first. Make choices to honor Him. Let go of what I want and instead, pray that he changes my heart to desire what He wants for me. It's not easy - there are times when I want to just cut loose and not think about consequences. The world would tell me that's okay, I'm young, do what I want now and think about the consequences later.

Therein lies the problem - I'm not here to honor the world. I'm here to live a life that honors God, and I'm realizing the more I put him off, the more valleys will place themselves in my path. And as I've been thinking about life over the past few months, a few things and a few lessons have stuck out to me - lessons I want to share with you.

For one, alongside the valleys, God prunes us. My mom and a friend of hers were talking to me one night when I had a breakdown. I tragically lost two people in my family a few years ago, and I saw someone that looked like one of them a few weeks ago. All of my walls came crashing down and I relived the loss of that family member all over again... as I sat at my house, on my couch, pouring out my heart to my mom, her friend, and my heavenly Father, my mom pointed something out to me that's stuck with me: Life is a pruning process.

When a gardener has a flower that's maturing, he doesn't prune the leaves to hurt the plant or to change its appearance for vanity. Absolutely not - the purpose of pruning is to remove the dead weight and decay and create new room for growth of new shoots, leaves, and ability for the plant to breathe. That's what this life is - some people also call this process growing pains. I agree with both. As we learn and grow as people, we will hit brick walls. We will find that there are situations we cannot work ourselves out of... and the point is because we are supposed to come back and ask God to do it for us. He's a loving God but he doesn't go where he isn't invited. He waits for us to pick up the phone, dial his number, where he's waiting beside it like an eager child waits for an invitation to a summer pool party - he answers and excitedly says "You need me? I'd love to help!" But he won't ever force himself on us. What we don't know is that that one phone call is all we need to bring us out of our trials - how easy should it be to hit the ground with our knees and cry out to the one who's always waiting? But too often pride, arrogance, "independent strength" and just plain bullheadedness get in the way and we try to do it on our own strength, which inevitably fails.

that's where I am today. I've tried too hard, for too long, to carry a weight that's too much for me. There is an AMAZING book called Grace Walk by Steve McVey, and in it he says something that's stuck with me for several years. He answers the age old question "Does God give us more than we can handle?" with something very direct: Yes, he does.

A lot of you may go "Now wait a minute, I thought there was that saying that states: 'God never gives us more than we can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much!' "- but therein lies the problem. God knows we're insufficient on our own to solve our problems. The point is that he gives us more than we can handle to show us that we need him, and he's there waiting when we realize we're unable to do it on our own. Some people may not agree with me, and that's totally fine - you don't have to. I know it's been true every day of my life. I can't fight cancer. I couldn't deal with the loss of my family members on my own. I can't find the perfect man for me. I can't succeed in a world based on superficial measures of success. I can't solve my relationship or friendship problems with supernatural wisdom - but God can. God can do all of this, and when you partner with him, he says "Hey, let me help you with that" - and because he Is sufficient, he can solve the problems.

In my Beth Moore bible study Jesus, The One And Only, one quote jumped out at me last night: "One thing about God, we can always depend on Him to turn the lights back on." It's like at the end of seeing a scary movie in a theater: once the lights come back on, you realize it was all pretend and you can go home and sleep safely in your bed. You don't live in the alternate reality of that horror movie. Just like that, when the trial is over - God will turn on the lights. He won't forsake you and leave you behind, he stays until the very last battle has been won and then he carries you home, beaten and bruised from the battle and he tends to your wounds.

I went to dinner tonight with my sister (in law, for technicality's sake) and my beautiful mother. Talking to them, I had a revelation in my own right that made me very proud of myself. A year and a half, two years ago, going through a discouraging time would've had me doubt the character of Jesus Christ. I would've had the fleeting thought "Why is God doing this to me?" But as I think about the pain that I've gone through the last few months - all I can think about is how much I know, without any doubts, my Faithful Father loves me. The Bible and my Beth Moore study teach that the name "Abba" for Jesus Christ "acquired the warm, familiar ring which we may feel in such an expression of 'dear father.' " I call Christ my Faithful Father because that's what He's been to me. When this entire world has walked out, he stuck it out with me. There's a quote that says "A true friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out" - but what about the friend who never leaves?

I know that what I'm going through will be redeemed, that He will rescue me when it gets to be too much and I can only cry out for him to save me. I don't blame him, I cry out to him. And that difference makes my heart swell with love for him because I know that I know him. I know what he wants for me, what he thinks of me, and I can rest in knowing that no matter how far away I fall or how confused I get with this life, he's going to rescue me. It's not an "if," it's a "when." If this life was an easy lesson, who would want to learn? Where would the challenge be?

This past week, my pastor spoke about Joshua and the Israelites, and how Joshua attacked them in the night. I got an image of a small army of men descending, wrapped in the dark hush of night, upon men that were outnumbered by the thousands - because they knew these men had the strength of God, the Bible says the enemy ran from the Israelites. I saw this in my mind, and I realized that when God did that hundreds of years ago, he was also making a statement that would resound in our lives today about our problems, our struggles, our personal demons. Do you know what that statement was?

I will send them running.

I just see Christ: determined look, fire in his eyes, sleeves rolled up as his fists are clenched and he stands beside us, his body towering over ours like we are small children, watching our problems high-tail it away from us as his jaw is flexed and he says that with the utmost power and authority: Do not doubt, child, I will protect you and I will scatter them like the wind.

It gives me chills... almost like that song. "I will exalt you," I will sing to you with my heart when my words fail.

Brother, sister - don't give in when the walls feel like they're closing in. Look behind you, see the Army that has your back and the Commander standing beside you as your troubles flee. Even if it doesn't feel like it will ever change, it will. In the words of my beloved mother, "It won't always be this way."

It won't. Stand on that truth - and go win that fight! Victory is yours for the taking.

Parting thought:

Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise - Micah 7:8

Talk soon.

Image taken from: http://www.newsbiscuit.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/cross.jpg

"I Will Exalt You" by Hillsong- check it out!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoUy88Pcf90