Even In My Darkest Hour, Let My Heart Praise You

There are so many things about this life that I do not understand. On a lighter note: why did anyone create SmartCars or the Prius? They are ugly, and not a significant amount more environmentally friendly when compared with normal cars - and they are visually offensive. On a heavier note: why do people die of cancer, still, when we have so much research at our fingertips?

My inquisitive mind has reached the conclusion, through 26 years of mental meandering and studying the Word, that I do not have a right to understand God's plan (giving the idea of the Prius to its creator or not), no matter how much I wish I could. It's just like trying to understand death from our limited frame of reference: the idea of not seeing someone the rest of our lives but then living in Heaven with them for eternity? I mean who can really wrap their mind around eternity?

I say all of that to say this: I think that, like the advent calendar near Christmas, little by little is revealed to us until we see the big picture. Not only is it wrong for us to presume we have a right to know everything - it would overwhelm us and make us lose sight of what God is trying to teach us as we grow and learn who He is.

As always, in the interest of full transparency, I want to be honest with you since it has been some time since I wrote a post. Over the past few months, I have grown as an adult and I have regressed. I ended a terrible relationship that I continued out of my own selfishness and lack of desire to follow God's will for me, and then at times, I fell into periods of rebellion against God and dated someone else that was wrong for me because of what I wanted. I have grown much stronger emotionally - but, even as of the past few months, have also learned what it means to open my heart again. I feel like I walk that delicate balance of iron-clad warrior and genteel, soft-hearted little girl who finds light in everything. It can be exhausting trying to be so tough but protecting who I really am, and I think that I've reached the point of ending that juggling competition.

This life is not about who can stay standing the longest. I honestly think it is about who's smart enough to realize that no one is sufficient in their own strength, and the person who realizes that they cannot go it alone is the one who succeeds in the end. No Christian was ever called weak by saying "Uh, hey God? Yeah, can't really handle this one. I'm thinking it's time I gave up trying and called in the expert." Terrible, but terribly appropriate, example is the man who tries unsuccessfully to fix his toilet and then eventually calls a plumber. Does his wife chastise him for realizing he doesn't have a technical degree in crap management? No. She kisses him because now they have their restroom back. His pride of not calling caused more damage than his brilliance of bringing in an expert.

Sound familiar? We can't go it alone. I cannot heal from my past if I am still trying to fix it with the tools that never worked then, so clearly they wouldn't work now. And what am I missing by focusing so steadfastly on the ways I've been wronged? The people that abused my trust, broke my heart, or whose actions said to me they didn't value me? Even the ones who loved me dearly but could not meet my needs because they were never meant to? As I get older and the idea of marriage looms (and is not quite so intimidating as before), I realize that deep in my heart, I want that stability. The respite after a long day, the arms that hold me after I have been battered so much I can't stand - the love that stays even though the flu, a recession, an empty bank account and, in my case - a terrible biopsy. The one that wipes the hair out of my eyes, kisses my son's scraped knee, and takes my daughter out for "Daddy-Daughter Dates" like my dad used to do. I want that whole picture, but to get there, I need to love myself.

I go through life trying to fix everyone but myself. I read in my study the other day that we cannot love others until we accept the love Christ wants to give us. This may be why I feel like I have never truly understood what love was, except for when I look at the cross. Do I have a good idea? Definitely. Do I want to learn? Absolutely. Could I accept it when it finally hits me? That's what I am working on. I'm sick of wondering if I should trust my judgement when it comes to matters of the heart: friendships, dating, I shouldn't consistently doubt myself. And I want to accept love when it comes, not try to understand "why me" and wonder if it's safe. I don't think I'm unlike millions of other people, but if you know me, you know I'm not satisfied being like everyone else. Too headstrong for that - ha!

There is one thing that I know. I have been on this precipice before: being dissatisfied with my state of satisfaction. The last time I did this, God threw my life out of wack and into the ringer, but I came out totally transformed and absolutely on FIRE for Christ. And you know what? I'm ready for him to bring it again. I have always said that my proclivity for being headstrong is probably one of my least favorite attributes, but it has definitely also been a good thing. However, even the strongest need a weakening sometimes, and what better way than to let the Master do it? It's never easy to be brought to the end of yourself, but oh my Lord how rewarding it is to be freed from feeling like you have to fix so many things of yourself and you are only responsible for getting to the end result? It's painful. It's scary. It's difficult and challenging. But it's exciting too.

I have become acutely aware in the past few months how incredibly blessed I am to be surrounded by such truly wonderful people. My family, well, that goes without saying. SO MUCH love and acceptance, it's unspeakable how overwhelmed I am to have them in my life. And my friends, well - not only do they love and accept me for who I am, they are so incredibly supportive even in my darkest hours, and they give me the advice I need when I don't want to hear it. To me, a friend is someone who loves you enough to let you know the truth even in the moment when it will hurt the most. My family and my friends fall into this category, and there is not a day that goes by that I am not overwhelmed by the love in my life.

So friends, here we go. My ride is about to get bumpy again, but I'm excited to let you read along as I experience. One thing is for sure: as always with me, it will never be boring! Ha!

Parting thought:

Hebrews 12:11

"Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Talk soon.

In Order To Be Irreplaceable, One Must Always Be Different

For the first post of 2012, I want to honor someone who changed my life.

In a world that is constantly changing, so are we and so are our relationships. People come and go in our lives, often without rhyme or reason. But every once in awhile, you meet someone and you just click. You realize that you both dance to the beat of the same drummer, and you can't remember what it was like before you had them in your life. Sometimes this happens with a relationship, sometimes it happens with friendship. For me, it happened with Nancy W. Johnson.

To explain who she was would be futile. The title of this entry is a quote by Coco Chanel, and when "Chanel," I think: classy. Confident. Steadfast. Timeless. To me, I will always attribute these qualities to Nancy. She was the mother of my own mother's boyfriend, and I have been privileged to know her since very early this year. I was never very close to most of my grandparents, who have almost all passed on in this life. But with Nancy, she was a kindred spirit.

I'll never forget the first time I met her. It was summer, and she and her AWESOME husband Dan Sr had come over to my mom's house for a summer family dinner. If you know our family, you know that these are commonplace in our weekend routine. Well, Nancy and Dan were older, but they knew how to bring the party. I looked around the kitchen and noticed a HUGE beverage dispenser filled with sangria - and literally, the best sangria I had ever tasted... this was sangria that they had brought, too! Then I noticed her keen fashion sense, and her bright coral pink nail polish... literally I felt like I was looking at myself in maybe 40 years. I just instantly felt comfortable with her, and I couldn't tear myself away from talking to her.

That never changed - the only thing that did was how much I grew to love her. In a world where it can be easy to get lost in a crowd, or in my case, a large family - Nancy taught me to stand up and feel confident about making a decision for myself, even if I didn't have everyone's approval. She would always encourage me to do what made me happy, not to live my life by anyone else's standards but my own. It's not like anyone in my life is oppressive, but I have always been a people-pleaser, and Nancy showed me that part of me wasn't necessary... and helped me to let it go.

How do you thank someone for teaching you a lesson like that? You can't, even though you wish you could. Nancy never needed anyone to thank her, to verbalize how important she was to us - although she was the kind of woman that made you want to. I'll never forget how amazing her hugs were, or her smile and her sense of humor.

She was SO sassy! She owned an interior decorating firm for years in Charlotte, bringing her Charleston up-bringing and class and helping Charlotteans cultivate a style of design in their homes that many wish they had a knack for. Working with large-named clients (ahem, Jerry Richardson) was no big deal for her, it was a part of the day. But her firecracker personality and her gentle heart made her a favorite of many, and the second I found out that she owned her own firm, I was waiting for the day I could quit my job and beg her to let me work for her. She just had one of those magnetic personalities that made people want to know her, to spend time with her.

When my grandfather died, the grandparent I have been closest to, I was devastated. I never had the chance to really say goodbye... the last time I spoke with him I had called him on Veteran's Day, just to thank him for his service. I usually tried to call him on those special holidays to tell him thank you and that I was thinking of him. He told me over and over how much he loved me and how proud of me he was - funny, I had called to encourage him and he encouraged me more! He died about a month later, and although I had that great memory of our last conversation, I never got to have that one last conversation.

When Nancy took a turn for the worse, I knew I wouldn't let this be one of those memories. I bought a card and filled it with memories we had, things I had thought that I wanted to tell her but hadn't yet, and what she had meant to my life. How she had helped me to grow for the better, and how knowing her had made me a better person. And most importantly, how as I age and my life passes - that the man I marry, the kids I have, the career I build, how I hope that I can look at what I accomplish and know that she would be proud of the woman that I become.

I will be eternally grateful to Dan, my mom's boyfriend, for reading it to her before she passed. He has no idea how much peace he has given me for the rest of my life, knowing that he made it possible for me to say goodbye... you can't thank someone enough for allowing you that opportunity. And as I sit here today, reminding myself that she lived a full life, I want to share something with you that God put on my heart.

"All I have is this life that you've given me" - lyrics from one of my favorite songs. This life is so short, and things will happen that we cannot understand, things will occur that we are not equipped to process. And as I feel the pain of losing someone I loved dearly, I can make a choice. It's easy to wonder why such good people are allowed to go and other people are allowed to stay. I wondered that myself, knowing there are people in my life that have not been kind and have caused a lot of damage... but yet, Nancy is gone. To be honest, I'm angry that I was deprived of having Nancy in my life for the future. I was really, really looking forward to sharing more life milestones with her - meeting the man I marry, having kids... now she won't be able to experience that with me. But the time I did have with her was priceless... and she isn't suffering anymore.

Nancy may have lost the battle to lung cancer, but she won the battle of life. The outpouring of love I've seen through both my family and social media is ASTOUNDING... the number of people affected by this loss is the kind of thing that makes you realize that she had such a full, abundant life that touched so many people. And instead of asking why she's gone, I'll thank God that she was here.

She changed my life in so many ways that to sum it up would be impossible, so instead I will just say that I will live my life according to "Nancy's Principle": It is okay to think about yourself, go and do what makes you happy and live life now, while you have it.

Nancy, I will always love and admire you. I hope that through the rest of my life I continue to make you proud, and although I mourn your passing now, I can't wait to see you on the other side when it's my turn. You better have my glass of Sangria ready, Soul Sister!

Talk soon.

Parting thought:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated by our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others - Maryanne Williamson

This blog is dedicated to the memory of Nancy Wells Johnson (1938-2012).

May angels lead you home.