There are so many things about this life that I do not understand. On a lighter note: why did anyone create SmartCars or the Prius? They are ugly, and not a significant amount more environmentally friendly when compared with normal cars - and they are visually offensive. On a heavier note: why do people die of cancer, still, when we have so much research at our fingertips?My inquisitive mind has reached the conclusion, through 26 years of mental meandering and studying the Word, that I do not have a right to understand God's plan (giving the idea of the Prius to its creator or not), no matter how much I wish I could. It's just like trying to understand death from our limited frame of reference: the idea of not seeing someone the rest of our lives but then living in Heaven with them for eternity? I mean who can really wrap their mind around eternity?
I say all of that to say this: I think that, like the advent calendar near Christmas, little by little is revealed to us until we see the big picture. Not only is it wrong for us to presume we have a right to know everything - it would overwhelm us and make us lose sight of what God is trying to teach us as we grow and learn who He is.
As always, in the interest of full transparency, I want to be honest with you since it has been some time since I wrote a post. Over the past few months, I have grown as an adult and I have regressed. I ended a terrible relationship that I continued out of my own selfishness and lack of desire to follow God's will for me, and then at times, I fell into periods of rebellion against God and dated someone else that was wrong for me because of what I wanted. I have grown much stronger emotionally - but, even as of the past few months, have also learned what it means to open my heart again. I feel like I walk that delicate balance of iron-clad warrior and genteel, soft-hearted little girl who finds light in everything. It can be exhausting trying to be so tough but protecting who I really am, and I think that I've reached the point of ending that juggling competition.
This life is not about who can stay standing the longest. I honestly think it is about who's smart enough to realize that no one is sufficient in their own strength, and the person who realizes that they cannot go it alone is the one who succeeds in the end. No Christian was ever called weak by saying "Uh, hey God? Yeah, can't really handle this one. I'm thinking it's time I gave up trying and called in the expert." Terrible, but terribly appropriate, example is the man who tries unsuccessfully to fix his toilet and then eventually calls a plumber. Does his wife chastise him for realizing he doesn't have a technical degree in crap management? No. She kisses him because now they have their restroom back. His pride of not calling caused more damage than his brilliance of bringing in an expert.
Sound familiar? We can't go it alone. I cannot heal from my past if I am still trying to fix it with the tools that never worked then, so clearly they wouldn't work now. And what am I missing by focusing so steadfastly on the ways I've been wronged? The people that abused my trust, broke my heart, or whose actions said to me they didn't value me? Even the ones who loved me dearly but could not meet my needs because they were never meant to? As I get older and the idea of marriage looms (and is not quite so intimidating as before), I realize that deep in my heart, I want that stability. The respite after a long day, the arms that hold me after I have been battered so much I can't stand - the love that stays even though the flu, a recession, an empty bank account and, in my case - a terrible biopsy. The one that wipes the hair out of my eyes, kisses my son's scraped knee, and takes my daughter out for "Daddy-Daughter Dates" like my dad used to do. I want that whole picture, but to get there, I need to love myself.
I go through life trying to fix everyone but myself. I read in my study the other day that we cannot love others until we accept the love Christ wants to give us. This may be why I feel like I have never truly understood what love was, except for when I look at the cross. Do I have a good idea? Definitely. Do I want to learn? Absolutely. Could I accept it when it finally hits me? That's what I am working on. I'm sick of wondering if I should trust my judgement when it comes to matters of the heart: friendships, dating, I shouldn't consistently doubt myself. And I want to accept love when it comes, not try to understand "why me" and wonder if it's safe. I don't think I'm unlike millions of other people, but if you know me, you know I'm not satisfied being like everyone else. Too headstrong for that - ha!
There is one thing that I know. I have been on this precipice before: being dissatisfied with my state of satisfaction. The last time I did this, God threw my life out of wack and into the ringer, but I came out totally transformed and absolutely on FIRE for Christ. And you know what? I'm ready for him to bring it again. I have always said that my proclivity for being headstrong is probably one of my least favorite attributes, but it has definitely also been a good thing. However, even the strongest need a weakening sometimes, and what better way than to let the Master do it? It's never easy to be brought to the end of yourself, but oh my Lord how rewarding it is to be freed from feeling like you have to fix so many things of yourself and you are only responsible for getting to the end result? It's painful. It's scary. It's difficult and challenging. But it's exciting too.
I have become acutely aware in the past few months how incredibly blessed I am to be surrounded by such truly wonderful people. My family, well, that goes without saying. SO MUCH love and acceptance, it's unspeakable how overwhelmed I am to have them in my life. And my friends, well - not only do they love and accept me for who I am, they are so incredibly supportive even in my darkest hours, and they give me the advice I need when I don't want to hear it. To me, a friend is someone who loves you enough to let you know the truth even in the moment when it will hurt the most. My family and my friends fall into this category, and there is not a day that goes by that I am not overwhelmed by the love in my life.
So friends, here we go. My ride is about to get bumpy again, but I'm excited to let you read along as I experience. One thing is for sure: as always with me, it will never be boring! Ha!
Parting thought:
Hebrews 12:11
"Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Talk soon.
