Te Amo

There are things in this life that somehow manage to knock me off my feet and leave me shaking my head to figure out what happened.

I can never forget my daily battle with skin cancer. That's kind of a given. But whenever I hear that someone I love, or even that I know, has cancer... something really just hits me to my core and it takes me a little longer than most to process the news.

A good friend of mine died last week of colon cancer. He was so young, in his 70's, and in my mind - too young to have to surrender the battle to this terrible disease. He was a good man, he worked with me at my (now old) job in the mailroom, and was the biggest source of encouragement in my battle of skin cancer. I remember with fondness all of the times he would come to my desk, knowing that I had an upcoming biopsy or recurring visit, and he'd always ask me in his thick Cuban accent, "What day do you go?" I'd answer a day or two ahead and he'd say "You will win. I know this, you will be fine. But I will pray." And he'd go on about his day like he hadn't just renewed my spirits in my fight.

He would always do that, sometimes two or three times a day - speak a word of victory over me as I prepared myself to mentally revisit the lion's den to see if my battle had been extended out again. I will never forget how I felt as I watched him walk away - that I had someone really in my corner, who understood. It may not sound like he did much, but what he did helped me more than what most people tried to say. He got it. He was in his own battle, and he knew what I needed to hear. Not ask me how I felt, not ask details of the procedure, just a simple, matter-of-fact statement and he was gone.

When I got the news he passed, I felt like my gut had been punched. Juan had been sick for awhile and I'd never made it to his house, life got in the way and I didn't make time like I now wish I had. Life is full of 20/20 hindsight, and I had to learn a powerful lesson with the passing of my friend. But I was able to go and say goodbye to him in the hospital, and while there I told him how much of an encouragement he'd been in my life, and how he was such a good man and it had been an honor to know him.

As I reflect on this recent loss, it's natural to examine my life as a whole. Juan left a legacy, he's literally one of two people I've lost who I knew with absolute certainty where they were going. It gives me peace knowing he isn't suffering any longer, in fact he's walking with our Father and he's loving every minute of it. I will see him again in a time not too far away, so for now, my pain and sadness are for my loss, not his. But I think about the people in my life... all of the ones who are beside me, loving me, day in and day out.

I think about a very large change I'm about to endure. I've procured a new position with the American Cancer Society - and for those of you who know me even for a few days, you know how perfect this job will be for me. Especially with losing Juan, and my grandfather over 15 years ago to prostate cancer, this fight is personal. I'm ready to get out there and make a difference - and finally be able to channel my passion to fight this disease.

But I also think about my life as a whole. Am I where I want to be? Am I a person I would want to get to know if I were someone else? Losing Juan really did shake me, and I've been a little unsure over the past few days about the path I'm about to embark on. I do know a few things.

I'm in love, a deep and healthy love, with a wonderful man. He is everything I've ever wanted, and even on our worst days, I can't imagine my life without him. We know with certainty we want a future together, so these days I'm just relaxing into our relationship and enjoying him for the amazing person he is, inside and out.

I seriously have a phenomenal family. My parents have always stuck by me, even when I'm sure I drove them crazy with my antics (ha), but they've been so strong for me over the past 25 years of my life and I could not be more blessed. My brothers and sisterS are amazing, and my brother's girlfriend is like another sister to me. My family is probably the best in the world (I know I'm biased, but I'm just saying!)

And my friends. I've reconnected with several college girlfriends and we have too much fun... and aside from them, I've made some awesome friendships (and I love my best friend, even if she's in Boston, eww).

I've gone through patches that weren't easy in life, I've been miserable in my job for a long time, but now with all of these new opportunities and the people I have by my side, I can't wait for a new chapter. And as I think about my dear friend and where he has gone before me, all I can say to you all is just one thing: Carpe diem! Seize this day, because time is fleeting and its so important to cherish what and who we have, while we have it. You never know when time will run out and we will be called home.

Parting thought:

Don't ever spend one minute of your time wishing your life away. Tomorrow will be here before you know it - Laura Kealy Widdows (love&miss you, mm&pp)

Talk soon.

What Is Love?

What is true love?

I'm sitting here in my sunroom, watching my father and my sweet boyfriend smoking a cigar and relaxing just a few hours after one of my dearest best friends has gotten married. I'm thinking about what it takes to really understand that word: love.

When I saw Kim walk down the aisle (yes, her name is Kim, too!), tears came to my eyes as I thought about what she was walking toward. Obviously, her (now) husband Matt, but it's more than that. It's coming home at the end of a long day to a comforting hug and the stability t of knowing you always have love waiting on you. It's a warm hand and a kiss on a cold winter night, someone who will always run and get you a glass of ice water when you're too warm in bed to go get it. It's someone to vent to, someone to lean on when you can't stand on your own, and in my case tonight, someone to sit by your side as you share in the joy of the ones you love.

I'm in love, friends. A good man came into my life in March of this year, and when he did everything I knew to be true, changed.

We tried to be friends, but we're so compatible it intimidated me a little and for awhile I pushed him away. It wasn't until I grew up a little that I realized what I had in Craig, and we reconnected this summer. Once we reconnected, it was like no time had passed, and we've been dating ever since that day.

He's calm where I'm emotional. He reminds me to show grace and patience when I'm angry, and he's the voice of reason when I can't hear anything but the rush of the situation. I look up to him a lot, not as a best friend, but as a man of God with an amazing heart for service and love for other people. If there was a wish list of things I'd ask God for when I was growing up, he hits every item - and he's handsome to boot.

So now that I've found the man I want to spend the rst of my life with, I just think about what I always thought love was. When you're younger, it's passing notes and a date to the movies on Friday. In college, you think it's the most earth-shattering thing when your study group partner asks you to hit up the Pike party on Saturday night. But now that I'm graduated, settled into a career and watching my dear friends get married and start families of their own, it hits me: love's nothing like I ever thought it would be.

Before, I wasn't in love. I was in like, a cheap imitation of the real thing. But now, with Craig, I know I'm in love. And true love is work. It's hard, sometimes it's frustrating and a lot of the time it's challenging. But, it is always worth it. There is not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for bringing Craig into my life, because even our most difficult days are still infinitely better than the days I spent without him. I've grown to become a better woman than I thought I could be, and I owe that to both him and Jesus Christ. Not only do I have an awesome boyfriend, but I've been given an amazing best friend, and I know he's one of a kind.

I look forward to a lot in my life these days. I've been cancer free for NINE MONTHS already (praise you, Jesus!) - which is so huge!! I have some amazing friendships in my life with women who have blessed me beyond any friendships I've had before. My family is so supportive and loving - and I'm blessed with a job. My relationship with Craig is another great element to life, and as we work toward and build a future together, I'm remember the broken roads it took for me to get here... all the times I prayed to God that he would just give me the patience to wait for the man who would be worth it all... March 20th, he answered that prayer - and I'm going to be forever thankful for the man he provided.

My hope is that you, friend, wait for the real thing, not the "counterfeit," like my mom calls them. The counterfeit is never worth the sacrifice, and patience is always rewarded when you seek what God wants for you. Here's to your happiness!

Parting thought:

The worst thing you can do to true love is deny it; so when you find that special someone, don't let anyone or anything get in your way - Anonymous.

Talk soon.

What Do You Value?

I'm sitting here on the one lazy night I'm going to have this week, preparing to move and watching a tv show called "Cut Off." Essentially it's a group of spoiled women who are being threatened with getting cut off from their wealthy families unless they shape up. The challenge they had to complete in the episode I was watching was cook a meal and serve a group of homeless men. Of course they weren't crazy about it, one girl even said she felt like homeless people were "scary," and complained the entire time she was cooking the meal. Their attitudes didn't change until they sat down with the men and heard their stories. One woman in particular was moved to tears hearing about how one man didn't let his daughters know he was homeless because he intended to work hard enough to move himself out of poverty.

As I pack up my life into cardboard boxes, and I look around at my room and see all of the belongings that I'm blessed to be able to have been able to buy, my heart aches. How many of us don't realize how blessed we are to have what we have until we hear the story of how someone truly has nothing? I'm sure that the producers of the show didn't intend to make everyone cry who watched that episode, but I can't help but to wonder how many people live in total oblivion of what God's given them while people live outside our homes, in our alleyways, under our bridges, starving - overheating, dehydrated, without proper clothing and a lot of times, sick. Who is supposed to look out for these down and out brothers and sisters of ours? If not us, who will?

So I've been thinking a lot lately about what I truly hold dear to my heart, what I'd grab if I had 30 seconds to get out of a burning house. First, as evident by the picture above of my big brother John and I - my family. I can't even describe how much my family means to me, and how I don't know what I'd do without them. I pray every day I don't have to find out. Next, my dog Orion. She's getting older and I love nothing to more than to spend time in my car, driving with the windows down and her little head poking out over the car door with her ears flying in the wind... or cuddling and watching a movie on a rainy day. This little dog brings so much joy to me I can't even explain it - (seriously if you have a dog, you understand!) I also have some absolutely amazing friends... there are a few in particular that I know I can call in the middle of the night and they'll jump in a car (or on a plane) and be at my doorstep in a few minutes.

That's what I value. Above all else, I value my walk with Jesus Christ because He is my best friend, my savior, and the reason why I am the woman I am today. As time passes and life gets more difficult and complicated, my solution gets easier because I am conditioning myself to turn to Him and give it to Him because I can't do it on my own. One day, he'll bring me a husband, and I pray every day that he and I can root our relationship in the love of Christ, together.

All of this aside, I still think about those who aren't as fortunate as you and I are. We have a roof over our heads, food to eat, clothes to wear, AIR CONDITIONING to keep us cool... but what about those who don't? The Bible has a few different views on this particular thought:

There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore, I command you to be openhearted toward your brothers and toward the poor and needy in your land -

Deuteronomy 15:11

Because I rescued the poor who cried for help, and the fatherless who had none to assist him - Job 29:12

What these verses are saying is that God did it. God reached out and bound the brokenhearted, giving the lost direction and the starving food. He met them where they were, broken and bleeding, and restored them to their full potential.

Why don't we live our lives like this? More selfless, less materialistic. When you see a brother starving and hungry on the side of the road, don't turn our head and look away to avoid eye contact. Go buy some food, a Gatorade, and bring it to him. I felt so convicted watching the men on the show talk about how they'd been sons of businessmen, forging ahead in their own careers, and then ended up where they were on the show. It made me really thankful, but with a caveat.

If you know me, you know that I 100% believe in working hard and doing your own part. No one should ever get a free ride for anything. No one deserves it, no one is at a disadvantage in this country, I don't buy it and I don't feel bad for anyone except those who are truly, physically incapable of working. We all come into this world the same way and we'll all leave the same way, your life is what you make it. But that doesn't mean that we should ever refuse to help someone because we don't agree with their life choices. If nothing else, that difference should encourage us to help them because it will give us an opportunity to understand and learn something new.

In short, we need to give back. In the book of Mark, blind Bartimaeus heard Jesus coming down a path and cried out, "Jesus, son of David, help me! Jesus, son of David, HELP ME!" over and over until the same villagers who had mocked and ignored him were beckoning to him to come to Jesus as Jesus called him. He had nothing, not even any pride, and he was given everything because he reached out to the one who had everything to give.

Sometimes we all feel like we don't have what we need to make it, and that's okay. We're entitled to have bad days, days where we just don't feel like we have enough to give - but on those days its even more vital to remember how blessed we are, and to keep life in perspective. I want to encourage you, in times where the economy, our government, our neighbors and our friends are struggling to make the bills, to make ends meet - in the words of Andrea Chidester, "It won't always be this way." Have faith that the storm will clear, and you will be able to breathe again. God has been, is, and will forever be faithful to you and all you need - He sees you struggle. All you have to do is ask for Him and he will be there!

Parting thought:

What is the price of two sparrows - one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your father knowing it - Matthew 10:29.

Talk soon.

The Battle

There's a song that we sing at my church every so often. Usually we happen to sing it on a day when I have something weighing on my heart - which, these days, seems to be every Sunday. As soon as I hear our worship leader start to strum his guitar, my breath leaps out of my lungs and it hits me right in my heart.

The lyrics are incredibly simple, but they're so beautiful (I suggest checking out the link and listening along with these lyrics [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoUy88Pcf90]:

I will exalt You
I will exalt You
I will exalt You
You are my God

Chorus:
My hiding place My safe refuge
My treasure Lord You are
My friend and King Anointed One
Most Holy.

Verse 2:
Because You’re with me
Because You’re with me
Because You’re with me
I will not fear

Literally, when I hear that first word, I can't even talk. I can't sing, all I can do is raise my hands and let the tears run over my cheeks. If someone were to ask me why, I would have one word for them: reverence. Merriam-Webster dictionary defines "reverence" in this way: honor or respect felt or shown, especially : profound adoring awed respect.

What better way to express my love for my God than with that description?: profound, adoring, awe. I'm overcome with love for Him, and at that moment, the worship service instantly becomes a time for me to break in front of my father.

I share this experience with you to tell you about what I've been learning lately. I know it's been awhile since I posted, but I think it's because I've been a work in progress and God and I haven't finished the draft yet. At least not until now, where I can share with you the journey I've taken the past few weeks.

I have had some peaks and some valleys. Largest praise is that I received an "all's clear" cancer biopsy result, so that makes it 5 months without a cancer spell (Praise the LORD!) That's been my main source of encouragement. The rest has felt like one valley after another. I've been feeling an urgency in my heart to make some serious changes in my life, the largest of which is to put my relationship with Jesus Christ at the forefront of my heart and my life. Put him first. Make choices to honor Him. Let go of what I want and instead, pray that he changes my heart to desire what He wants for me. It's not easy - there are times when I want to just cut loose and not think about consequences. The world would tell me that's okay, I'm young, do what I want now and think about the consequences later.

Therein lies the problem - I'm not here to honor the world. I'm here to live a life that honors God, and I'm realizing the more I put him off, the more valleys will place themselves in my path. And as I've been thinking about life over the past few months, a few things and a few lessons have stuck out to me - lessons I want to share with you.

For one, alongside the valleys, God prunes us. My mom and a friend of hers were talking to me one night when I had a breakdown. I tragically lost two people in my family a few years ago, and I saw someone that looked like one of them a few weeks ago. All of my walls came crashing down and I relived the loss of that family member all over again... as I sat at my house, on my couch, pouring out my heart to my mom, her friend, and my heavenly Father, my mom pointed something out to me that's stuck with me: Life is a pruning process.

When a gardener has a flower that's maturing, he doesn't prune the leaves to hurt the plant or to change its appearance for vanity. Absolutely not - the purpose of pruning is to remove the dead weight and decay and create new room for growth of new shoots, leaves, and ability for the plant to breathe. That's what this life is - some people also call this process growing pains. I agree with both. As we learn and grow as people, we will hit brick walls. We will find that there are situations we cannot work ourselves out of... and the point is because we are supposed to come back and ask God to do it for us. He's a loving God but he doesn't go where he isn't invited. He waits for us to pick up the phone, dial his number, where he's waiting beside it like an eager child waits for an invitation to a summer pool party - he answers and excitedly says "You need me? I'd love to help!" But he won't ever force himself on us. What we don't know is that that one phone call is all we need to bring us out of our trials - how easy should it be to hit the ground with our knees and cry out to the one who's always waiting? But too often pride, arrogance, "independent strength" and just plain bullheadedness get in the way and we try to do it on our own strength, which inevitably fails.

that's where I am today. I've tried too hard, for too long, to carry a weight that's too much for me. There is an AMAZING book called Grace Walk by Steve McVey, and in it he says something that's stuck with me for several years. He answers the age old question "Does God give us more than we can handle?" with something very direct: Yes, he does.

A lot of you may go "Now wait a minute, I thought there was that saying that states: 'God never gives us more than we can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much!' "- but therein lies the problem. God knows we're insufficient on our own to solve our problems. The point is that he gives us more than we can handle to show us that we need him, and he's there waiting when we realize we're unable to do it on our own. Some people may not agree with me, and that's totally fine - you don't have to. I know it's been true every day of my life. I can't fight cancer. I couldn't deal with the loss of my family members on my own. I can't find the perfect man for me. I can't succeed in a world based on superficial measures of success. I can't solve my relationship or friendship problems with supernatural wisdom - but God can. God can do all of this, and when you partner with him, he says "Hey, let me help you with that" - and because he Is sufficient, he can solve the problems.

In my Beth Moore bible study Jesus, The One And Only, one quote jumped out at me last night: "One thing about God, we can always depend on Him to turn the lights back on." It's like at the end of seeing a scary movie in a theater: once the lights come back on, you realize it was all pretend and you can go home and sleep safely in your bed. You don't live in the alternate reality of that horror movie. Just like that, when the trial is over - God will turn on the lights. He won't forsake you and leave you behind, he stays until the very last battle has been won and then he carries you home, beaten and bruised from the battle and he tends to your wounds.

I went to dinner tonight with my sister (in law, for technicality's sake) and my beautiful mother. Talking to them, I had a revelation in my own right that made me very proud of myself. A year and a half, two years ago, going through a discouraging time would've had me doubt the character of Jesus Christ. I would've had the fleeting thought "Why is God doing this to me?" But as I think about the pain that I've gone through the last few months - all I can think about is how much I know, without any doubts, my Faithful Father loves me. The Bible and my Beth Moore study teach that the name "Abba" for Jesus Christ "acquired the warm, familiar ring which we may feel in such an expression of 'dear father.' " I call Christ my Faithful Father because that's what He's been to me. When this entire world has walked out, he stuck it out with me. There's a quote that says "A true friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out" - but what about the friend who never leaves?

I know that what I'm going through will be redeemed, that He will rescue me when it gets to be too much and I can only cry out for him to save me. I don't blame him, I cry out to him. And that difference makes my heart swell with love for him because I know that I know him. I know what he wants for me, what he thinks of me, and I can rest in knowing that no matter how far away I fall or how confused I get with this life, he's going to rescue me. It's not an "if," it's a "when." If this life was an easy lesson, who would want to learn? Where would the challenge be?

This past week, my pastor spoke about Joshua and the Israelites, and how Joshua attacked them in the night. I got an image of a small army of men descending, wrapped in the dark hush of night, upon men that were outnumbered by the thousands - because they knew these men had the strength of God, the Bible says the enemy ran from the Israelites. I saw this in my mind, and I realized that when God did that hundreds of years ago, he was also making a statement that would resound in our lives today about our problems, our struggles, our personal demons. Do you know what that statement was?

I will send them running.

I just see Christ: determined look, fire in his eyes, sleeves rolled up as his fists are clenched and he stands beside us, his body towering over ours like we are small children, watching our problems high-tail it away from us as his jaw is flexed and he says that with the utmost power and authority: Do not doubt, child, I will protect you and I will scatter them like the wind.

It gives me chills... almost like that song. "I will exalt you," I will sing to you with my heart when my words fail.

Brother, sister - don't give in when the walls feel like they're closing in. Look behind you, see the Army that has your back and the Commander standing beside you as your troubles flee. Even if it doesn't feel like it will ever change, it will. In the words of my beloved mother, "It won't always be this way."

It won't. Stand on that truth - and go win that fight! Victory is yours for the taking.

Parting thought:

Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise - Micah 7:8

Talk soon.

Image taken from: http://www.newsbiscuit.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/cross.jpg

"I Will Exalt You" by Hillsong- check it out!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoUy88Pcf90

Calvary: What Does It Mean To You?

As you can tell, this Chid now has a tattoo.

"Well, tattoos aren't something Christ wants Christians to have."

"I don't think highly of girls, or even guys, with tattoos."

"Why would ANYONE get something that permanent on their body?"

Because it's my story. A lot of people instantly judge when they see someone with a tattoo, but today I show this to you to share with you my story.

The word redemption has an awesome meaning: the payment of an obligation.

When I look at the scars from my melanoma, they remind me I've fought the battle and it left its mark. But one day, as I looked in the mirror, I realized no matter how many marks and scars I have, I still win because God still has a deeper purpose for every mark, every trial, every scar. That definition of redemption means, to me, that God already paid my way into this world and He already claimed victory for me. I do not need to be scared or be fearful, it has already been done. No matter how far away I fall when I wander, I can - and do - always come home. That, friends, is what my tattoo means to me.

And as I enter into a new season in my life, I realize that that lesson is going to follow me wherever I go. Half the point of this life, I think, is to make mistakes so that we learn on our own what to - and not to- do. The meaning behind redemption is so simple and yet so beautiful. I often imagine Jesus as the shepherd, looking for the lost and bleating sheep in the middle of the storm that's stuck in the brush. He uses the crook of his staff to guide the sheep back to him and the rest of the flock.

Life's the same way. Sometimes we're safe in the pack with everyone else, but sometimes we wander away and experience pain and fear far away from the pack, unable to see on a dark and stormy night. But there shouldn't be any fear, because Christ is right behind us, coming to claim us with his authority and his power. He's always going to come after us, the choice of whether to return to him is the uncertainty. And as I said, redemption is a beautiful thing because no matter how much we mess up, how much we make error after error and mistake after mistake, how many times we defy his love - He'll still accept us back. No judgement. Total acceptance with the purest love.

If that doesn't make you breathe easier, I don't know what will. Knowing that God will love me no matter how unloveable I feel? No matter how ugly, how sinful, how much I regret and I wish to take back what I've done wrong... doesn't even matter. God died already to forgive you and I - so what we do he already knew about and he already covered it. God had your back thousands of years ago on that cross at Calvary, there's no need for YOU to beat yourself up over something he's already forgiven - and forgotten.

Steven Furtick of Elevation Church has a small speaking part on one of their worship CDs, We Are Alive. In that CD, he says this: "You serve a God, you were made by a God, no matter how far you've drifted, no matter how hard you've run, no matter how many bad alliances you've made, no matter how hopeless it seems, no matter how enslaved you are, you serve a God, a good God, who can turn your mistake into a miracle. You serve a God who can make the sun to stand still in your life."

This always gives me chills because he hits the nail on the head. That is the picture of how far God's redemption reaches. It knows no bounds, no limitations - just like the God we serve, his grace follows us wherever we go.

Easter just passed, but the victory of that day never grows old. Jesus Christ redeemed you by dying in the most painful way imaginable. He did that- for you. And when you see that cross, or think of the three of Calvary, what do you think about? All I can ever think about is the pain that he went through, at my expense, and how much he loved me to suffer that long. That's the ultimate love story. God doesn't need to give us chocolate, Tiffany's, or a bouquet of fresh tulips to show us that His love will never end and knows no bounds. It's not containable, it is immeasurable and neverending. True love gets no more pure than the ultimate sacrifice of one live for humanity - and he did it for you.

I want to leave you with a gift. And I want you to remember one thing: God meant this for you.

Life as a Christian can be painful. Nights can be full of heartache, days can be long and confusing. Sometimes my life as a Christian seems more difficult than they were when I wasn't saved. But in the same respect - my life as a Christian has been more incredibly rewarding than anything I could have ever imagined.

God has moved in my life over the past year to really teach me about obedience. Dating mistakes, a constantly changing list of priorities... he's allowed me to be disobedient until my heart broke and it hit me that I was doing it to myself. I'm far from perfect and even on my best day, I'm incredibly too hard on myself, but all the little parts of me that have broken are coming together to make me a beautiful mosaic of the woman God created me to be. My journey won't end until I take my last breath, but in this interim, I have no doubt that God has awesome plans for me. I look forward to learning how to give him the reigns - and not try to take them back. Once I can do that, or as I am learning how to, I already know he's going to move in my life in a way that overwhelms me ... and I cannot WAIT for that ride to begin! He's already done that with parts in my life before and his faithfulness and enthrallment with me is more than anything I could ever imagine.

Praise God, from whom all blessings flow... and praise Him that he loves us, even when we can't love ourselves.

Parting thought:

Every happening, great and small, is a parable whereby God speaks to us, and the art of life is to get the message - Malcom Mudderidge

Talk soon.

Christ Gave It All... All To Him I Owe

Sometimes, this road of life can be really lonely.

We can be surrounded by thousands of faces, one person in a giant massive crowd, and still feel like we're all alone. And in tough times, it can be easy to feel like that loneliness will last forever.

But in those times, it's so important to stand on the truth of what we know, what has been proven as steadfast and unchanging. Today I went to a new church (Center City Church, it was absolutely amazing!!) and the pastor said something to me that really struck me to my core.

He was talking about the power of Jesus Christ, and how when Christ went out, he didn't go to the masses, the masses came to him. There's something to be said for the fact that they recognized His power and would come from all over just to sit on a grassy knoll all day long to hear him preach. Pastor David spoke about the leper that Christ healed, and how in this life, sometimes God heals - and sometimes he doesn't.

It was the doesn't part that struck me. I've shared hundreds of times, it feels like, with you about my battle with melanoma. And as a Christian, the attitude that I've come to adopt is that I have to embrace this challenge and run with it. I'm not going to blame God - a lot of people choose to do that when they're missing a valuable opportunity to instead turn TO him and learn who he is in the midst of their crisis. And besides, what right have I to be angry? Job in the Bible lost everything - everything. His children, his wealth, everything was taken from him - and this was a blameless man. I'm not blameless, I frequently make mistakes and even though I'm harder on myself than anyone could ever be, I know that I still have it better than Job. Or John, who was given the gift of healing and yet lived his life with a painful physical affliction that consistently bothered him. The healer who wasn't healed.

So even though life may not seem so great all the time, we still have SO much to be thankful for. I remember a pastor once said "Who are we to assume we have a right to know what God is doing, or why he's doing it? We have no entitlement to the works or reasoning of Jesus Christ." And he was so right - we don't have any right to ask God what he's doing or ask him why he has or hasn't given us what we want. It isn't about us, and if you think it is, you may need to go and re-examine your heart. This world isn't about us doing what we want, it's about living a life focused on Jesus Christ, loving the lost and sharing the news about this savior who's in love with us.

He won't leave.

No matter how nasty or mean or irritable we are, he won't leave. Sometimes in relationships we push the people that we care about the most, away, in order to see if they'll stay or if they'll leave. But the ones who really care don't budge. They stick by your side even when you (and probably everyone else) knows you don't deserve it. Jesus is the same way - except that because he's perfect, he really won't leave. Humans are imperfect and make mistakes, we hurt each other, we fight, we say things we don't mean, but Christ is blameless and he won't ever hurt us in those ways. So as you go through trials and tribulations, remember that no matter how much you scream and yell and pound his chest, Christ is still going to stand in front of you, wrapping his arms around you and wiping away your tears. That's the kind of God he is, the kind of God he has been, and the kind of God he always will be.

I hope, friends, that if and when there are times when you feel as lonely as the leaf in the picture above, you remember the Savior who waits for you to turn to him. You're never alone, no matter how much you feel like it or how undeserving of his love you feel... and don't ever think otherwise! If the creator of the universe spent time to knit you together in your mother's womb, characteristic by characteristic so that you were unlike anyone else... you're worth more than you could ever know.

Parting thought:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me - 2 Cor 12:9.

Talk soon.

I'll Go Where He Sends Me

Does your heart break when you see this, like mine does?

My life was marked from the beginning that I would serve Jesus Christ at a higher price than a lot of people. It wasn't through the circumstances that I grew up in, although they weren't easy - my story began with the first scar of melanoma that marked my body. I don't make it a secret that my struggle with skin cancer has been a battle I've fought half of my life. And I thank God that he put this in my path because it is through this battle I have found myself, I've found my relationship with God, and I've found what I want to do.

I want to serve.

When my Dad went on a cruise to the Dominican, he told me about how he saw Haitian children selling small trinkets in the market and looking at the American tourists with plaintive eyes and swollen bellies, begging them to buy what meager wares they had to sell for food. He told me how hard it was to see these children, knowing what we have in America and what they don't in Haiti.

My dad didn't do anything wrong, but when he and everyone else comes back from vacation, like most, they settle back into their daily patterns and those swollen bellies and heartbroken eyes fade into the background of the vacation pictures. Hearing that story, I swore to myself that one day I would go and serve the people of Haiti.

This was years before the earthquake that recently devastated the country of Haiti. That earthquake has only intensified my desire to serve, to leave my life in the US behind and go and be one of them, living only wiht the necessities as they try to put their lives back together again. South Africa has also been another calling of mine, to go and do the same there with the AIDS epidemic.

One day I'll go. And with the start of 2010, my public (however "public" this blog really is) resolution is simple. I'm going to put my time & energy where my mouth is.

I will run in a 5k. I will serve in a mission overseas in a ravaged and poor country, binding up the brokenhearted and the broken in the name of my Lord, Jesus Christ. I will focus my life on serving others. I will get a tattoo with my little sister, one that means something to both of us.

I will do these things, and so help me if I don't. I'm also going to continue this fight against melanoma. It hasn't won yet, and God-willing, it won't. I refuse to give up, to give in to the fear of the next biopsy result, the next time I see the scheduling office of my dermatologist calling to tell me the bad news and my stomach drops. I am a daughter of Jesus Christ, and for some reason, I have such peace in knowing that melanoma won't be how he calls me home. He's not done wiht me here on this earth yet, and in 2010, I'm going to take advantage of the time I have on this earth to serve His people.

My little sister is my inspiration in so many ways, and hearing her as she talks about her hopes and dreams for her life after college has me remembering that I'm still young and I have a lot of time left in my own life to do what I want to do. One of my favorite quotes is "It's never too late to be what you might have once been." Don't ever give up on any dream, thinking its too late.

It's never too late to do what you want to do. The Romans had it right when they said "Carpe Diem!" Seize the day! Don't let a moment pass without realizing how blessed you are to live it.

Parting thought:

We can easily manage if we will only take, each day, the burden appointed to it. But the load will be too heavy for us if we cary yesterday's burden over again today, and then add the burden of the morrow before we are required to bear it - John Newton

Talk soon.

*Image taken from MSNBC*