there's beauty in the breakdown.

There are so many thoughts running through my mind and my heart right now - but as I've had this blog post simmering on the backburner of my mind for the past few weeks, I have to share something God has really been impressing on me:

Run to me.

Run for dear life

when life threatens to drag you down.

Run to me when you are overwhelmed,

When your heart aches and your soul is weary.

Run to me when you have nowhere to go,

When the walls feel like they're closing in.

Run to me when you can't run away from me any more.

Run to me, Beloved, and I will rescue you.

I don't know if that has any meaning for you, but it's become my lifeline. I have to share something with you. I have been to the Blue Ridge in Boone so many times I can't even tell you - it's where my sister took the picture above this. Sometimes, I find a rock to sit on and I just breathe in what I see. Have you ever hiked to the top of a mountain before? Especially in the winter, when you look around all you see are peak and valley after peak and valley. Sometimes I literally can't breath because I am so overtaken with awe by the scenery and the majesty around me.

My God is like those mountains: limitless. Awe-inspiring and yet very commanding because of the quiet power that sits in those blues and greens that rest quietly for hundreds of years. They are steadfast: they don't go anywhere, you can always count on them to be there when you take your trip and hike to the highest points they offer.

I'm going through a tough time right now. I have shared with you over the past few weeks that I have chosen to give up everything my heart desires to chase God with wild abandon, seeking Him as my life's love and giving up all the "rights" I thought I had for anything more until He gives it to me. It's been the most painful season of my life because I am giving up the very deepest desires of my heart to follow Him - the desire to find true love.

I use this blog as a way to be transparent on this journey in life so that if anyone else goes through something difficult, they can see they aren't alone. So it is that transparency that drives me to tell you that all I've ever wanted in life is to get married and have my own family. I think there's something about that dream that's ingrained in most women from birth, but I have wanted it for so long that it's just a part of who I am. And the breakup I had a few weeks ago has been hard because I really thought he was The One.

He's a great guy but he isn't The One for me - at least not at this moment in our lives. And when I realized that, I also realized I'm done trying to find that man on my own. God will bring him to me when I'm ready, and until then, it's time to give God a chance to win my heart - and keep it. Maya Angelou said "A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her," and I couldn't agree more.

But are we really strong enough to let go of those desires and trust God? I was at the Christian bookstore a few weeks ago buying my new bible study, and I picked up a book called "The Heart Of A Woman." A quote in it tugged at the strings of my heart because it's so true:

"... I didn't feel like I was growing as a woman.

I just felt tired. Like Snow White, my heart fell into a deep slumber.

I know I am not alone in this either.

As woman we still long for intimacy and adventure;

each of us longs to be the Beauty of some great story."

How true is that? Don't we really, truly want to be honored and treasured like the star of a great love story? And if that's at the root of who we are as women - how do we just let those desires go?

You realize that it's much better to be the Beauty of God's love story than your own, and that once we fall in love with Him it'll be so much easier to fall in love with the Right One, when God leads him to us. It'll happen if and when it's supposed to, no matter if we do anything or not. Nothing we can do will rush this part of God's plan for our lives, so embrace the precious time you have now to fall in love with Christ so that that love and that strong foundation lasts through all of the rest of life's peaks and valleys. Because they will come, and it's so much better to live a life based on a solid walk with Christ because he leads us through the dark times and the good, the sweet, joy-filled moments and the ones where our heart breaks.

I was recently talking to my oldest brother about some discouragement I've been dealing with, and he said something so true to me: he said "this is like when you break a bone, and you didn't have it set right the first time so it has to be re-broken so it can heal correctly." Sometimes when God wants us to learn something and we haven't, he'll try again and the second time around it may hurt more. This is NOT because he's an unkind or harsh God - it's because he loves us so much and he wants us to grow so much that knowing how headstrong we are, he knows it'll take a little more to get our attention.

When you were young and you broke a rule, Mom and Dad punished you. When did you learn the lesson: when you were sent to a corner, or when they lightly slapped you on the hand and you tried it again? Sometimes it takes a time-out for it to sink in, and I will just say this: I'm so thankful I have a God who loves me enough to keep trying to teach me the lesson he wants me to learn. Because even though it's painful now, I have absolutely no doubt that when I look back to this season of my life after some time has passed, I will remember the pain but I will also whole-heartedly remember how close I drew to Him as my heart broke, and how much I learned about his love, intense and undying, that he has for me.

I'd pick a love like that any day. Give me Jesus.

Parting thought:

"But now, God's message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob, the one who got you started, Israel: "Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end - because I am God, your personal God, the Holy of Israel, your savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That's how much you mean to me! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you" - Isaiah 43:1-4, The Message

Talk soon.

Its A Revolution

Obedience.

What does this word really mean? When we're kids, it means that when our parents say the word "no," either we push back if we're really strong-willed and independent, or we know it means shape up quickly or we'll lose something we don't want to give up. As adults, it becomes a slightly stranger concept because a lot of people don't feel like they have anyone they really need to answer to - unless you're a Christian. "Okay... what does that mean?" you may wonder.

Well, as a Christian, you recognize God as the authority figure in your life and when you accept Him as savior, you also accept His will as final and superior to your own. Even a strong Christian struggles with this sometimes, and in my quest to stay transparent I wanted to let you in on my journey.

Literally, obedience means the act or practice of obeying; dutiful or submissive compliance. But it means so much more to me now than it ever has. Many of you may have known I've been dating someone for the past (nearly) 10 months. We had SO much in common, but as time went on, I began to feel as though the relationship became something that wasn't right for me, at least not right now. I will love him because of what he was to my life, but as I began to sense a shift in my heart about how I felt in the relationship, I felt more distant from God and I knew that was heading toward a danger zone. No one is perfect in their walk, but as a Christian of many years, when I began to hear Him less and feel Him less, I change what I'm doing and correct the situation. I prayed for weeks that God would give me wisdom about what decision to make and that he would make it unmistakable to me. (For those of you who do not know me very well, I'm incredibly headstrong and it isn't difficult for me to convince people to see my side of an argument!) I didn't want to disobey God, and I knew what that request meant.

I'd been dating him for 10 months, and it was about the time when women start to re-examine the relationship and evaluate if it's heading somewhere serious or if maybe things need to be re-evaluated. My parents had a messy divorce when I was young and I will not repeat their mistakes, so I take my relationships probably a little more seriously than a lot of people my age and I think about things a lot more than my incredibly impulsive peers.

I began to feel less peace in my spirit and more and more distance from my ex. When that happened, I couldn't mistake what God had laid upon my heart - He was calling me to trust him and step out in obedience. It's the great and the difficult thing about God. He wants ALL of you to himself and he will not compromise. He won't settle for a sliver of your soul, he wants all of it. And for the first time in my life - I wanted to give Him everything! My hopes, my dreams, my deepest desires - including marriage, which is a sacred hope to most women. When my God knocked on the door of my heart, I flung open the door and told him to redecorate and spring clean however he wanted.

It's been difficult, but so incredibly rewarding. I had lost parts of who I was, which was the worst part because I really do love who I am. My middle name is Joy, and I know that when my relationship with God is where I want it to be, I live that out loud. Trusting God's will for me and knowing he's got something great in store for me has made this process so much more intimate for me as I really dig into the Scriptures and my bible study and church sermons to search for Him and his presence even more than I ever have.

Once I decided to repurpose my life on that night when I ended things, I reached out to both my pastor and one of my dearest friends (and accountability partner) at church, asking them about what Obedience really means to a Christian. I had been told once that it is okay to petition God to ask Him for things when you "obey him" and give something up. That was a little skewed to what "rights" we really have as Christians. The answer to that is simple: none.

We can't expect or demand things of God. I'm sure he has a nice laugh when we do, because that's not how this faith thing works. Well, when he calls us to something and we obey, what can we expect?

1. Sometimes it can hurt. Okay, a lot of times it hurts. But that's just because our will for our lives is often not what God's will for our lives turns out to be, and that pain comes from letting go of what our heart longs for and asking for God to replace it with what HE wants for us instead. The transition aches but it is ultimately SO incredibly worth it, because what we'll get in return is what is right for us.

2. According to my sweet sister, obedience is a lot about perspective. We can't ever really sacrifice enough for God. It isn't about giving and taking - it's about God's name being glorified. Ultimately, our lives are not our own anyway if we're living them for Christ.

3. Last: Psalm 30:5. "For his anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning." Joy! It's coming! Defined as a source of cause of delight, when you have a Christ-given joy, it spills out of you. It's contagious, like laughter at an inside joke with a best friend, or a story recounted to family that gets everyone going. People feel it and people crave it, just like happiness and peace. It's okay to have a period of time to grieve if you're giving up something that you really held close to your heart, but isn't it so much better to receive God-given joy in return?

I think so. I have a new song in my heart today that isn't going away - I prayed and prayed that God would fill my cup to overflowing and he has answered my prayer. I may have a moment here or there where my heart aches for what I deeply desire - an amazing relationship with a Godly man, a family - but in His time, I will get all of that and it is going to be SO amazing!

This morning in church we sang "Oh How He Loves Us." The worship was so powerful tears crowded under my lashes and I fought to not let them spill out at these beautiful words:

And we are His portion and He is our prize

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes

If his grace is an ocean, we're all sinking

Imagine that. To be totally overtaken by an intense love so powerful God would do anything for us that we ask of His will... friends, until you discover the redemption of your life, it's hard to understand how it feels, but all I can tell you is that it has been So worth it to pursue Christ. My pastor said today that sometimes God pulls back from us in certain circumstances so that we will pursue Him more. When you abandon everything and run after Him, the reward is so rich all you'll care about is spending more time with Him.

Take my bet. Try it for yourself. And when you come out the other side, we'll talk ;)

Talk soon.

Parting thought:

After every dark age, there's a renaissance - David Neipert