Even In My Darkest Hour, Let My Heart Praise You

There are so many things about this life that I do not understand. On a lighter note: why did anyone create SmartCars or the Prius? They are ugly, and not a significant amount more environmentally friendly when compared with normal cars - and they are visually offensive. On a heavier note: why do people die of cancer, still, when we have so much research at our fingertips?

My inquisitive mind has reached the conclusion, through 26 years of mental meandering and studying the Word, that I do not have a right to understand God's plan (giving the idea of the Prius to its creator or not), no matter how much I wish I could. It's just like trying to understand death from our limited frame of reference: the idea of not seeing someone the rest of our lives but then living in Heaven with them for eternity? I mean who can really wrap their mind around eternity?

I say all of that to say this: I think that, like the advent calendar near Christmas, little by little is revealed to us until we see the big picture. Not only is it wrong for us to presume we have a right to know everything - it would overwhelm us and make us lose sight of what God is trying to teach us as we grow and learn who He is.

As always, in the interest of full transparency, I want to be honest with you since it has been some time since I wrote a post. Over the past few months, I have grown as an adult and I have regressed. I ended a terrible relationship that I continued out of my own selfishness and lack of desire to follow God's will for me, and then at times, I fell into periods of rebellion against God and dated someone else that was wrong for me because of what I wanted. I have grown much stronger emotionally - but, even as of the past few months, have also learned what it means to open my heart again. I feel like I walk that delicate balance of iron-clad warrior and genteel, soft-hearted little girl who finds light in everything. It can be exhausting trying to be so tough but protecting who I really am, and I think that I've reached the point of ending that juggling competition.

This life is not about who can stay standing the longest. I honestly think it is about who's smart enough to realize that no one is sufficient in their own strength, and the person who realizes that they cannot go it alone is the one who succeeds in the end. No Christian was ever called weak by saying "Uh, hey God? Yeah, can't really handle this one. I'm thinking it's time I gave up trying and called in the expert." Terrible, but terribly appropriate, example is the man who tries unsuccessfully to fix his toilet and then eventually calls a plumber. Does his wife chastise him for realizing he doesn't have a technical degree in crap management? No. She kisses him because now they have their restroom back. His pride of not calling caused more damage than his brilliance of bringing in an expert.

Sound familiar? We can't go it alone. I cannot heal from my past if I am still trying to fix it with the tools that never worked then, so clearly they wouldn't work now. And what am I missing by focusing so steadfastly on the ways I've been wronged? The people that abused my trust, broke my heart, or whose actions said to me they didn't value me? Even the ones who loved me dearly but could not meet my needs because they were never meant to? As I get older and the idea of marriage looms (and is not quite so intimidating as before), I realize that deep in my heart, I want that stability. The respite after a long day, the arms that hold me after I have been battered so much I can't stand - the love that stays even though the flu, a recession, an empty bank account and, in my case - a terrible biopsy. The one that wipes the hair out of my eyes, kisses my son's scraped knee, and takes my daughter out for "Daddy-Daughter Dates" like my dad used to do. I want that whole picture, but to get there, I need to love myself.

I go through life trying to fix everyone but myself. I read in my study the other day that we cannot love others until we accept the love Christ wants to give us. This may be why I feel like I have never truly understood what love was, except for when I look at the cross. Do I have a good idea? Definitely. Do I want to learn? Absolutely. Could I accept it when it finally hits me? That's what I am working on. I'm sick of wondering if I should trust my judgement when it comes to matters of the heart: friendships, dating, I shouldn't consistently doubt myself. And I want to accept love when it comes, not try to understand "why me" and wonder if it's safe. I don't think I'm unlike millions of other people, but if you know me, you know I'm not satisfied being like everyone else. Too headstrong for that - ha!

There is one thing that I know. I have been on this precipice before: being dissatisfied with my state of satisfaction. The last time I did this, God threw my life out of wack and into the ringer, but I came out totally transformed and absolutely on FIRE for Christ. And you know what? I'm ready for him to bring it again. I have always said that my proclivity for being headstrong is probably one of my least favorite attributes, but it has definitely also been a good thing. However, even the strongest need a weakening sometimes, and what better way than to let the Master do it? It's never easy to be brought to the end of yourself, but oh my Lord how rewarding it is to be freed from feeling like you have to fix so many things of yourself and you are only responsible for getting to the end result? It's painful. It's scary. It's difficult and challenging. But it's exciting too.

I have become acutely aware in the past few months how incredibly blessed I am to be surrounded by such truly wonderful people. My family, well, that goes without saying. SO MUCH love and acceptance, it's unspeakable how overwhelmed I am to have them in my life. And my friends, well - not only do they love and accept me for who I am, they are so incredibly supportive even in my darkest hours, and they give me the advice I need when I don't want to hear it. To me, a friend is someone who loves you enough to let you know the truth even in the moment when it will hurt the most. My family and my friends fall into this category, and there is not a day that goes by that I am not overwhelmed by the love in my life.

So friends, here we go. My ride is about to get bumpy again, but I'm excited to let you read along as I experience. One thing is for sure: as always with me, it will never be boring! Ha!

Parting thought:

Hebrews 12:11

"Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Talk soon.

In Order To Be Irreplaceable, One Must Always Be Different

For the first post of 2012, I want to honor someone who changed my life.

In a world that is constantly changing, so are we and so are our relationships. People come and go in our lives, often without rhyme or reason. But every once in awhile, you meet someone and you just click. You realize that you both dance to the beat of the same drummer, and you can't remember what it was like before you had them in your life. Sometimes this happens with a relationship, sometimes it happens with friendship. For me, it happened with Nancy W. Johnson.

To explain who she was would be futile. The title of this entry is a quote by Coco Chanel, and when "Chanel," I think: classy. Confident. Steadfast. Timeless. To me, I will always attribute these qualities to Nancy. She was the mother of my own mother's boyfriend, and I have been privileged to know her since very early this year. I was never very close to most of my grandparents, who have almost all passed on in this life. But with Nancy, she was a kindred spirit.

I'll never forget the first time I met her. It was summer, and she and her AWESOME husband Dan Sr had come over to my mom's house for a summer family dinner. If you know our family, you know that these are commonplace in our weekend routine. Well, Nancy and Dan were older, but they knew how to bring the party. I looked around the kitchen and noticed a HUGE beverage dispenser filled with sangria - and literally, the best sangria I had ever tasted... this was sangria that they had brought, too! Then I noticed her keen fashion sense, and her bright coral pink nail polish... literally I felt like I was looking at myself in maybe 40 years. I just instantly felt comfortable with her, and I couldn't tear myself away from talking to her.

That never changed - the only thing that did was how much I grew to love her. In a world where it can be easy to get lost in a crowd, or in my case, a large family - Nancy taught me to stand up and feel confident about making a decision for myself, even if I didn't have everyone's approval. She would always encourage me to do what made me happy, not to live my life by anyone else's standards but my own. It's not like anyone in my life is oppressive, but I have always been a people-pleaser, and Nancy showed me that part of me wasn't necessary... and helped me to let it go.

How do you thank someone for teaching you a lesson like that? You can't, even though you wish you could. Nancy never needed anyone to thank her, to verbalize how important she was to us - although she was the kind of woman that made you want to. I'll never forget how amazing her hugs were, or her smile and her sense of humor.

She was SO sassy! She owned an interior decorating firm for years in Charlotte, bringing her Charleston up-bringing and class and helping Charlotteans cultivate a style of design in their homes that many wish they had a knack for. Working with large-named clients (ahem, Jerry Richardson) was no big deal for her, it was a part of the day. But her firecracker personality and her gentle heart made her a favorite of many, and the second I found out that she owned her own firm, I was waiting for the day I could quit my job and beg her to let me work for her. She just had one of those magnetic personalities that made people want to know her, to spend time with her.

When my grandfather died, the grandparent I have been closest to, I was devastated. I never had the chance to really say goodbye... the last time I spoke with him I had called him on Veteran's Day, just to thank him for his service. I usually tried to call him on those special holidays to tell him thank you and that I was thinking of him. He told me over and over how much he loved me and how proud of me he was - funny, I had called to encourage him and he encouraged me more! He died about a month later, and although I had that great memory of our last conversation, I never got to have that one last conversation.

When Nancy took a turn for the worse, I knew I wouldn't let this be one of those memories. I bought a card and filled it with memories we had, things I had thought that I wanted to tell her but hadn't yet, and what she had meant to my life. How she had helped me to grow for the better, and how knowing her had made me a better person. And most importantly, how as I age and my life passes - that the man I marry, the kids I have, the career I build, how I hope that I can look at what I accomplish and know that she would be proud of the woman that I become.

I will be eternally grateful to Dan, my mom's boyfriend, for reading it to her before she passed. He has no idea how much peace he has given me for the rest of my life, knowing that he made it possible for me to say goodbye... you can't thank someone enough for allowing you that opportunity. And as I sit here today, reminding myself that she lived a full life, I want to share something with you that God put on my heart.

"All I have is this life that you've given me" - lyrics from one of my favorite songs. This life is so short, and things will happen that we cannot understand, things will occur that we are not equipped to process. And as I feel the pain of losing someone I loved dearly, I can make a choice. It's easy to wonder why such good people are allowed to go and other people are allowed to stay. I wondered that myself, knowing there are people in my life that have not been kind and have caused a lot of damage... but yet, Nancy is gone. To be honest, I'm angry that I was deprived of having Nancy in my life for the future. I was really, really looking forward to sharing more life milestones with her - meeting the man I marry, having kids... now she won't be able to experience that with me. But the time I did have with her was priceless... and she isn't suffering anymore.

Nancy may have lost the battle to lung cancer, but she won the battle of life. The outpouring of love I've seen through both my family and social media is ASTOUNDING... the number of people affected by this loss is the kind of thing that makes you realize that she had such a full, abundant life that touched so many people. And instead of asking why she's gone, I'll thank God that she was here.

She changed my life in so many ways that to sum it up would be impossible, so instead I will just say that I will live my life according to "Nancy's Principle": It is okay to think about yourself, go and do what makes you happy and live life now, while you have it.

Nancy, I will always love and admire you. I hope that through the rest of my life I continue to make you proud, and although I mourn your passing now, I can't wait to see you on the other side when it's my turn. You better have my glass of Sangria ready, Soul Sister!

Talk soon.

Parting thought:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated by our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others - Maryanne Williamson

This blog is dedicated to the memory of Nancy Wells Johnson (1938-2012).

May angels lead you home.

And Then I Started Thinking...

I'm pretty blessed.

Every once in a while, something happens in my life that makes me think about why we're all here. This morning, I was perusing Facebook and noticed one of my best friends had posted this link: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2079098/Ben-Breedlove-Video-sick-teenager-life-1-week-died.html - please take a few minutes to go and read/watch the video attached to the story.

Basically, it's about a teenager who had a life-threatening heart condition and he shares his life story through a series of index cards. But the saddest part is that he talks about how he beat death twice - and made this video a week before he passed away right before Christmas.

It's a great story, and I say that because it's one of those things that gets your mind thinking about why we're all here. I'm a Christian, I think by now that's pretty obvious, and frequently I'm reminded through the happenings of life how amazing Christ really is. Sometimes - well, maybe a lot of times, I don't understand Him or the way He works... but I never doubt that what happens in my life happens because it is a part of what He wants for me. After watching the video, it made me start to think about the way I've been living my life.

I think the end of the year always affords you an opportunity to re-examine your priorities, your life, the way that you live and what you want to change. Fortunately in this life, like the way the quote goes - "It is never too late to become who you might have been." And watching this video, on the cusp of 2012, there are a few things I want to accomplish:

1. Renew my walk with Christ so that, once again, I'm on FIRE for him. I haven't been the most disciplined about keeping up with my bible study and prayer life, and even though there's nothing that requires this as a Christian, I notice a difference myself when I lose sight of this. I want to get back to it.

2. Continue to grow as a woman and continue to discover who I am, what I want, where I'm going. I've made so many changes the past year, letting go of a terrible relationship and growing my career so that it approaches the point where I want it to be. I've really grown to draw lines of what I will and will not accept, what qualities I value in people and what I do not, and be okay living in my skin.

3. Following 2, I want to settle into a meaningful relationship - and (God-willing), have it be my last. I've been doing the dating thing, learning what my priorities are in a relationship and a possible husband... and while it's been a lot of fun, I'm getting to the point where I'd really like to settle down with one man and work toward building a future with him. I have a lot of friends married, engaged, having kids, etc and while earlier this year that would've been what I didn't want... my thoughts are evolving and these days, I think I'm back to the place of being okay settling down with the right man and giving up the overflowing "black book."

4. And for perhaps the easiest and most attainable goal: get my gun license and concealed carry permit. I am 100% in support of the right to bear arms, and I can't wait to be able to boast that I've earned my permit.

Watching the video also made me reflect on my character. Recently, a friend very astutely called me out. He said that he could tell I have a sweet heart and when I joked with him that he just didn't know me, he called me out and said that he knows I do, but I have a tough facade I try to show to protect myself and that I'm not really that tough.

It shocked me... because he's right. I do have a very sweet heart, but through some of the trials of the last year I've found that I've really put up a lot of walls and for the life of me I cannot remember why I kept them up. I love people, I love relationships, but I am hyper-sensitive to letting people into my heart because of so many experiences I've had before and it's difficult to open up sometimes.

I want to get back to who I really am. Be genteel, a sweet and kind spirit that loves freely and trusts God to protect her. I really don't think I'm too far removed from this part of who I am, and I'm actually excited to get back to my roots...

I have a feeling that 2012 is going to be abundantly full of Christ and His blessings. Even now as I type, an excited feeling is overcoming me because I just know that He is going to become more visible to me and I can't wait for that to happen.

My wish? That you feel the freedom to re-examine where you stand and that you experience the desire to redirect life, if necessary. It is so liberating to be honest with yourself, even if it's not the prettiest picture, because when you're honest is when you free yourself to grow and change for the better.

I pray that you experience the Peace that Ben Breedlove felt when he had his near-death experiences, the same peace that I get when I decide I'm done trying and I hand it over to God. It's not easy for this fire-cracker, pistol, independent & stubborn woman to do - but in 2012, I'm letting go & letting God.

Talk soon.

Parting thought:

It's that place in our lives where what we've been hanging on to... clinging to for dear life... is stripped away. It's that place in us where we let go of what we know, what we think we know, and what we want and surrender to the unknown. It is the place of saying and meaning, 'I don't know.' It means standing there with our hands empty for a while, sometimes watching everything we wanted disappear: our self image, our definition of who we thought we should be, the clones we've created of ourselves, the people we thought we had to have, the things we thought were so important to collect and surround ourselves with, the job we were certain was ours, the place we thought we'd live in all our lives.. surrender control to the supreme wisdom and authority of God and to the Divine in your soul. Step into the void with courage. Learn to say, "I don't know." That's not blind faith. It's pure faith that will allow God and your spirit to lead you wherever your soul wants and needs to go - Melody Beattie, "Finding Your Way Home"

Have We Forgotten?

One of my favorite books at one point was "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn." I don't know what it was, I think just the setting of the book (Brooklyn, early 1900s) fascinated me at an earlier age and I would daydream about what life had been like. I liked the irony of the title because it is rare to see a tree in the middle of Brooklyn that hasn't been planted in a pot. About a month ago, my little sister and I were in mid-town NYC walking to the Subway and I passed the flag above my head. I remembered that book and its title, and as the red, white, and blue flapped gracefully in the summer wind, it made me think of something else: September 11th was just around the corner. And I thought about how it felt to be standing underneath the flag, "a flag waves in Manhattan," with the anniversary of this day coming so quickly.

It's here now. And, as I am so incredibly blessed, I was able to spend the day surrounded by family and friends that love me. I laughed a lot and reflected a lot about this day 10 years ago - like many Americans have done and are doing today - and where I was. In typical Chid fashion, we sat around the dinner table and I said I felt like we should talk about our 9/11/01 experiences. Everyone shared their moment of horror, intense memories welling up as we reminisced about the day that changed our lives. I didn't know, but my mom's boyfriend had lost a dear friend as the Towers fell, and he told us about what that man had been life, a brand-new first time father that was slaving away in the top of one of the towers as it was attacked. And then, it was my turn.

We all have a story about that day. I won't share mine, but I will say I watched every single part of the attack literally from the moment of the first plane and on. I still to this day can't talk about the men and women shown, jumping out of the windows with debris falling around them, without bawling. Even as I type this, my heart aches knowing how much so many people lost on that day.

It would be so easy to turn this day into another politicalized one - but I won't. I won't because we don't need another day like that right now.

But I will tell you what occurred to me today as I looked around the table at my beautiful, invaluable family. There were tears tonight - but there was laughter. There was sadness and even some grief, but there was joy. But above all - there was Christ. My (soon to be step-) cousin wrote on his Facebook status that we need to forgive the terrorists, isn't that what Jesus would want? And in his young age of 17 - he's right. I did not personally lose anyone in the Twin Towers but I know many who did, and as I reflect on a day 10 years ago that was filled with so much hatred from the terrorists who hate America - I also remember the love that overcame it.

The father who ran back into the tower to help the kindergarden class touring the Towers on a field trip. The young man with the red bandanna who escorted victim after victim out of the burning building until the last one came out, without him. The fireman who worked the 24, 48, 72 consecutive hour shift because he wouldn't rest until his unit was complete and all his men were in their bunks. The mother of young children who kept it together when she realized her husband on the 78th floor hadn't been as fortunate as the other victims and wasn't coming home.

These were the patriots. These who gave their lives or changed their lives because they were called to something higher than serving their own interests and just leaving the building in time. They went back in and didn't think twice.

So the terrorists who thought they won because they took the lives of over 3,000 Americans? I have a message for you: You didn't win.

You lost - because we grew stronger. 10 years later and we will still remember. We will still have our flag memorials in honor of lives lost. We will still volunteer and serve just to do something. We will still bow our heads to pray to the God that IS a peaceful God, the one who saved us when you tried so hard to destroy us. We will still raise the red, white, and blue and fly it as high as we can because you didn't destroy our spirit - you solidified it. Every year, the memory of that day fades a little more into the daily pattern of our lives but it will not disintegrate. We will never let go and we will never forget.

Because this country and her people are rooted on a foundation based on the biblical principles of Jesus Christ. We forgive, not because we want to, but because we are called to. And we refuse to give you any more control over how we feel or what we do - because we live life according to what He calls us to do, not how we feel.

As we part our ways on this 10th Anniversary of 9/11, may we always remember - john 15.13 "there is no greater sacrifice than a man who lays down his life for his brother."

To the American patriots who gave the greatest sacrifice: we will never forget.

there's beauty in the breakdown.

There are so many thoughts running through my mind and my heart right now - but as I've had this blog post simmering on the backburner of my mind for the past few weeks, I have to share something God has really been impressing on me:

Run to me.

Run for dear life

when life threatens to drag you down.

Run to me when you are overwhelmed,

When your heart aches and your soul is weary.

Run to me when you have nowhere to go,

When the walls feel like they're closing in.

Run to me when you can't run away from me any more.

Run to me, Beloved, and I will rescue you.

I don't know if that has any meaning for you, but it's become my lifeline. I have to share something with you. I have been to the Blue Ridge in Boone so many times I can't even tell you - it's where my sister took the picture above this. Sometimes, I find a rock to sit on and I just breathe in what I see. Have you ever hiked to the top of a mountain before? Especially in the winter, when you look around all you see are peak and valley after peak and valley. Sometimes I literally can't breath because I am so overtaken with awe by the scenery and the majesty around me.

My God is like those mountains: limitless. Awe-inspiring and yet very commanding because of the quiet power that sits in those blues and greens that rest quietly for hundreds of years. They are steadfast: they don't go anywhere, you can always count on them to be there when you take your trip and hike to the highest points they offer.

I'm going through a tough time right now. I have shared with you over the past few weeks that I have chosen to give up everything my heart desires to chase God with wild abandon, seeking Him as my life's love and giving up all the "rights" I thought I had for anything more until He gives it to me. It's been the most painful season of my life because I am giving up the very deepest desires of my heart to follow Him - the desire to find true love.

I use this blog as a way to be transparent on this journey in life so that if anyone else goes through something difficult, they can see they aren't alone. So it is that transparency that drives me to tell you that all I've ever wanted in life is to get married and have my own family. I think there's something about that dream that's ingrained in most women from birth, but I have wanted it for so long that it's just a part of who I am. And the breakup I had a few weeks ago has been hard because I really thought he was The One.

He's a great guy but he isn't The One for me - at least not at this moment in our lives. And when I realized that, I also realized I'm done trying to find that man on my own. God will bring him to me when I'm ready, and until then, it's time to give God a chance to win my heart - and keep it. Maya Angelou said "A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her," and I couldn't agree more.

But are we really strong enough to let go of those desires and trust God? I was at the Christian bookstore a few weeks ago buying my new bible study, and I picked up a book called "The Heart Of A Woman." A quote in it tugged at the strings of my heart because it's so true:

"... I didn't feel like I was growing as a woman.

I just felt tired. Like Snow White, my heart fell into a deep slumber.

I know I am not alone in this either.

As woman we still long for intimacy and adventure;

each of us longs to be the Beauty of some great story."

How true is that? Don't we really, truly want to be honored and treasured like the star of a great love story? And if that's at the root of who we are as women - how do we just let those desires go?

You realize that it's much better to be the Beauty of God's love story than your own, and that once we fall in love with Him it'll be so much easier to fall in love with the Right One, when God leads him to us. It'll happen if and when it's supposed to, no matter if we do anything or not. Nothing we can do will rush this part of God's plan for our lives, so embrace the precious time you have now to fall in love with Christ so that that love and that strong foundation lasts through all of the rest of life's peaks and valleys. Because they will come, and it's so much better to live a life based on a solid walk with Christ because he leads us through the dark times and the good, the sweet, joy-filled moments and the ones where our heart breaks.

I was recently talking to my oldest brother about some discouragement I've been dealing with, and he said something so true to me: he said "this is like when you break a bone, and you didn't have it set right the first time so it has to be re-broken so it can heal correctly." Sometimes when God wants us to learn something and we haven't, he'll try again and the second time around it may hurt more. This is NOT because he's an unkind or harsh God - it's because he loves us so much and he wants us to grow so much that knowing how headstrong we are, he knows it'll take a little more to get our attention.

When you were young and you broke a rule, Mom and Dad punished you. When did you learn the lesson: when you were sent to a corner, or when they lightly slapped you on the hand and you tried it again? Sometimes it takes a time-out for it to sink in, and I will just say this: I'm so thankful I have a God who loves me enough to keep trying to teach me the lesson he wants me to learn. Because even though it's painful now, I have absolutely no doubt that when I look back to this season of my life after some time has passed, I will remember the pain but I will also whole-heartedly remember how close I drew to Him as my heart broke, and how much I learned about his love, intense and undying, that he has for me.

I'd pick a love like that any day. Give me Jesus.

Parting thought:

"But now, God's message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob, the one who got you started, Israel: "Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end - because I am God, your personal God, the Holy of Israel, your savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That's how much you mean to me! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you" - Isaiah 43:1-4, The Message

Talk soon.

Its A Revolution

Obedience.

What does this word really mean? When we're kids, it means that when our parents say the word "no," either we push back if we're really strong-willed and independent, or we know it means shape up quickly or we'll lose something we don't want to give up. As adults, it becomes a slightly stranger concept because a lot of people don't feel like they have anyone they really need to answer to - unless you're a Christian. "Okay... what does that mean?" you may wonder.

Well, as a Christian, you recognize God as the authority figure in your life and when you accept Him as savior, you also accept His will as final and superior to your own. Even a strong Christian struggles with this sometimes, and in my quest to stay transparent I wanted to let you in on my journey.

Literally, obedience means the act or practice of obeying; dutiful or submissive compliance. But it means so much more to me now than it ever has. Many of you may have known I've been dating someone for the past (nearly) 10 months. We had SO much in common, but as time went on, I began to feel as though the relationship became something that wasn't right for me, at least not right now. I will love him because of what he was to my life, but as I began to sense a shift in my heart about how I felt in the relationship, I felt more distant from God and I knew that was heading toward a danger zone. No one is perfect in their walk, but as a Christian of many years, when I began to hear Him less and feel Him less, I change what I'm doing and correct the situation. I prayed for weeks that God would give me wisdom about what decision to make and that he would make it unmistakable to me. (For those of you who do not know me very well, I'm incredibly headstrong and it isn't difficult for me to convince people to see my side of an argument!) I didn't want to disobey God, and I knew what that request meant.

I'd been dating him for 10 months, and it was about the time when women start to re-examine the relationship and evaluate if it's heading somewhere serious or if maybe things need to be re-evaluated. My parents had a messy divorce when I was young and I will not repeat their mistakes, so I take my relationships probably a little more seriously than a lot of people my age and I think about things a lot more than my incredibly impulsive peers.

I began to feel less peace in my spirit and more and more distance from my ex. When that happened, I couldn't mistake what God had laid upon my heart - He was calling me to trust him and step out in obedience. It's the great and the difficult thing about God. He wants ALL of you to himself and he will not compromise. He won't settle for a sliver of your soul, he wants all of it. And for the first time in my life - I wanted to give Him everything! My hopes, my dreams, my deepest desires - including marriage, which is a sacred hope to most women. When my God knocked on the door of my heart, I flung open the door and told him to redecorate and spring clean however he wanted.

It's been difficult, but so incredibly rewarding. I had lost parts of who I was, which was the worst part because I really do love who I am. My middle name is Joy, and I know that when my relationship with God is where I want it to be, I live that out loud. Trusting God's will for me and knowing he's got something great in store for me has made this process so much more intimate for me as I really dig into the Scriptures and my bible study and church sermons to search for Him and his presence even more than I ever have.

Once I decided to repurpose my life on that night when I ended things, I reached out to both my pastor and one of my dearest friends (and accountability partner) at church, asking them about what Obedience really means to a Christian. I had been told once that it is okay to petition God to ask Him for things when you "obey him" and give something up. That was a little skewed to what "rights" we really have as Christians. The answer to that is simple: none.

We can't expect or demand things of God. I'm sure he has a nice laugh when we do, because that's not how this faith thing works. Well, when he calls us to something and we obey, what can we expect?

1. Sometimes it can hurt. Okay, a lot of times it hurts. But that's just because our will for our lives is often not what God's will for our lives turns out to be, and that pain comes from letting go of what our heart longs for and asking for God to replace it with what HE wants for us instead. The transition aches but it is ultimately SO incredibly worth it, because what we'll get in return is what is right for us.

2. According to my sweet sister, obedience is a lot about perspective. We can't ever really sacrifice enough for God. It isn't about giving and taking - it's about God's name being glorified. Ultimately, our lives are not our own anyway if we're living them for Christ.

3. Last: Psalm 30:5. "For his anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning." Joy! It's coming! Defined as a source of cause of delight, when you have a Christ-given joy, it spills out of you. It's contagious, like laughter at an inside joke with a best friend, or a story recounted to family that gets everyone going. People feel it and people crave it, just like happiness and peace. It's okay to have a period of time to grieve if you're giving up something that you really held close to your heart, but isn't it so much better to receive God-given joy in return?

I think so. I have a new song in my heart today that isn't going away - I prayed and prayed that God would fill my cup to overflowing and he has answered my prayer. I may have a moment here or there where my heart aches for what I deeply desire - an amazing relationship with a Godly man, a family - but in His time, I will get all of that and it is going to be SO amazing!

This morning in church we sang "Oh How He Loves Us." The worship was so powerful tears crowded under my lashes and I fought to not let them spill out at these beautiful words:

And we are His portion and He is our prize

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes

If his grace is an ocean, we're all sinking

Imagine that. To be totally overtaken by an intense love so powerful God would do anything for us that we ask of His will... friends, until you discover the redemption of your life, it's hard to understand how it feels, but all I can tell you is that it has been So worth it to pursue Christ. My pastor said today that sometimes God pulls back from us in certain circumstances so that we will pursue Him more. When you abandon everything and run after Him, the reward is so rich all you'll care about is spending more time with Him.

Take my bet. Try it for yourself. And when you come out the other side, we'll talk ;)

Talk soon.

Parting thought:

After every dark age, there's a renaissance - David Neipert

Abba, Papa, Daddy, Father

One night a few weeks ago, I was driving home in the dark and we were having a fantastic lightening storm. I remember when I was a kid, my parents would take all 4 of us outside with popcorn and blankets to our wrap-around front porch and the 6 of us would watch the lightening dance across the Carolina sky: purples, blues, and even reds displaying a scene across the natural canvas unlike anything I'd ever seen. And watching the lightening storm a few weeks ago, summer air buzzing with electricity and rushing into my open windows, I reflected upon my life. The past few months have been a little hard. To confess, I lost sight of my relationship with Christ and I've felt a discernable shift in my attitude and my heart. The great news is that with my God, there is always redemption! No matter how far away I fall I can ALWAYS come back. And in watching that lightening storm, I felt my story playing out across the heavens. With each flash, the darkness of the world around me was illuminated and I saw trees, houses, roads and other cars as though it was daytime - and once the strike had ended, I was plunged back into a barely lit scenery.

It hit me, hard, that life is like a lightening storm. As we pass through the path of life, our attention staid to the center and (often in our own might), trying to not look left or stumble right, the darkness around us is lit up with flashes of God's brilliance, showing us what's around us for just a moment so that we keep on going.

We have so much to be thankful for, so many things of praise that should be exiting our lips and falling upon God's ears - but it is SO easy to get distracted and caught up in the things of this world. That is what I've done. As I struggled with life through different - and not uncommon - obstacles, my attention was focused more on what was around me off the path, and not on realizing that no matter what was to the side, what was in front of me straight ahead was much better.

Through the love of an always faithful father who will pursue me until I walk the streets of Gold beside him, I have realized my error and have wholeheartedly given myself back to that straight path. No use in beating myself up about anything, because God only cares that we want Him again. I'm doing a Beth Moore bible study called "A Heart Like His," and it is amazing because it seems like even if days or weeks pass before I do a lesson, the one I open my page to is exactly what I need! (God's funny like that, isn't he?) I did one two nights ago about how God blesses and honors the obedient, those who realize they can't live a life without Him and want nothing more than for Him to rescue them from their decisions.

As always with both bible studies and reading the Word in general, several verses stick out to me. If you have a second to read an amazing book of scripture, open your bible to 2 Samuel 22. It's in the Old Testament, and it is so moving with the encouragement it contains. A little background on it: David is crying out and praising God for God's saving of him from Saul and his other enemies. What I read moved me so much because I have been in his place, suddenly freed from the grips of something that felt so large I would never escape it. Friends, I hope the following versus bless your heart as much as they saved mine!

v7: In my distress I called upon the Lord, to my God I called. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry came to his ears.

v17-20: He reached from on high, he took me, he drew me out of mighty waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy, from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me. They came upon me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my stay. He brought me out into a broad place, he delivered me, because he delighted in me.

And the one verse that soothed my soul:

v31: This God - his way is perfect; the promise of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all who take refuge in him.

The Message, which is a modern day Bible, states redemption this way:

v21-25: God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I cleaned up my act, he gave me a fresh start. Indeed, I've kept alert to God's ways, I haven't taken God for granted. Every day I review the way he works, I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together and I'm watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

and my favorite! v29-31: Suddenly, God, your light floods my path, God drives out the darkness. I smash the bands of marauders, I vault the high fences. What a God! His road stretches straight and smooth. Every God-direction is road-tested. Everyone who runs toward him makes it.

Just like those lightening storms where everything is dark, God will give us bursts of his presence that light our way - when we seek him. I'd choose a light lit with his Glory any day over a life lived in darkness, running into obstacles at every turn because I have nothing to light my path.

Friend, I don't know where you are on your journey with Him, but I will tell you where I am on mine. I've reclaimed my place on my path to Him in this life, giving up my desires every day and taking up my cross to live a life governed by HIS desires, not mine. I've tried to do things "my way or the highway," and I tell you that resulted in a big crash!

Joshua 1:7 states "Only be strong and courageous, be careful to act in accordance with the law that my servant Moses commanded you, do not turn from it to the right or to the left, so that you may be successful wherever you go."

Stay on the path where you seek Him, where you desire His will, and your life will be filled with more joy and peace than anything you'd ever be able to find on your own. Coming from a self-professed head-strong independent woman, when I have sacrificed my will and asked God for his, the peace that came to my soul made me realize how much I had been missing by not relying on God to provide direction to me.

No matter what you think you can do on your own, God's provision for you will put it to shame! Why not try it and see where it takes you?

Go grab some popcorn and a blanket, sit on the front porch and watch the strikes of light of God's glory light your path. The view is spectacular when you get to enjoy it, rather than create it.

Talk soon.

A little boy was eagerly looking forward to the birthday party of a friend who lived only a few blocks away. When the day finally arrived, a blizzard made the sidewalks and roads nearly impassable. The lad’s father, sensing the danger, hesitated to let his son go. The youngster reacted tearfully. “But Dad,” he pleaded, “all the other kids will be there. Their parents are letting them go.” The father thought for a moment, then replied softly, “All right, you may go.” Surprised but overjoyed, the boy bundled up and plunged into the raging storm. The driving snow made visibility almost impossible, and it took him more than half an hour to trudge the short distance to the party. As he rang the doorbell, he turned briefly to look out into the storm. His eye caught the shadow of a retreating figure. It was his father. He had followed his son’s every step to make sure he arrived safely.

He's never too far away to protect you.