ever thine, ever mine, ever ours

Author's note: If you have the ability, I'd suggest listening to this video as you read my lesson today: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCunuL58odQ).

When I was younger, I studied classical music for 6 years, learning to play the violin and growing to appreciate the overwhelming beauty of classical composition from the seventeenth, eighteenth, and nineteenth centuries.

My favorite composer was Beethoven.  We all know his story: his mother had 7 children, of which he was the oldest because several of them died.  His abusive father would wake him up after a night of drinking and force him to practice for hours, which eventually propelled him into greatness.  Later in his life he began to lose his hearing, until eventually he was completely deaf.

Why would my heart choose him to be my favorite?  Because you could hear the emotion in his compositions.  I would imagine him, head near the piano as he violently pushed down on the keys, trying to hear the faintest slivers of sound through a growing curtain of deafness so that he could complete the masterpiece that played in his head.  Some of his compositions bring me to tears as I think about what propelled him to create their sorrowful tones.  Was it his childhood?  The loneliness that enveloped his senses as he aged?  We'll never know, although we do have a rare glimpse into his heart through two love letters that were found after his death.  They contain such an aching for companionship and undying adoration, characterized by his unique use of the phrase "ever thine, ever mine, ever ours" as he recorded forever in time the depth of his love for this unnamed recipient of his soul.  Can you imagine how it would feel to be the object of his affection to the point of becoming the focus of the thoughts of such a timeless genius?

I can.

His name is Jesus Christ.  Over the past several months, I have been beseeching God's presence back in my life.  At times, even passionately crying for a breaking in my spirit.  "Kim, that may seem a little extreme.  Why would anyone want to break?  - and what kind of a God would do something like that to his follower?"  A loving one.  When I say "crying for a breaking," what that means to me is a release of all of the things that have kept me unhappy.  If you ask those closest to me, they may tell you that at times (not all the time, but sometimes), I exhibit signs of having a "Type A" personality.  I enjoy being a leader.  I'm okay making decisions for a collective group.  I have been known to challenge decisions, and authority.  Sometimes my motivation is pure: I care deeply for people that I love.  Other times, I like the chase of "winning."  This may not sound abnormal to you - it may even sound like a lot of people that you know, but let me tell you what's wrong with it.  When I try to "do it on my own," what that means is that I don't ask God for his opinion.  And I don't know about you, but when I try to do things on my own, they don't always work out so well.  IE: I pick someone to date based on what feels right, they end up being a jerk who bruises my heart.  I jump into a career that isn't the right fit for me but looks great from the outside, and two years later I'm applying for 50 jobs a day.  I make a choice because it looks like I'll get recognition at the end, I end up excluding other people from pitching it and damage relationships.  Sound familiar?

This life, by looking at it through the world's eyes, is here to give us satisfaction, pleasure, and shiny things that make us feel good.  This life, by God's eyes, is meant to teach us the character of who He is, what He has done for us, and what He wants to do to bring us closer to His heart.  That may not sound as appealing to you as a nice car or a huge house, but let me tell you how it's MUCH more important.

There are nights we all have where we feel alone.  Could we go out for dinner and drinks with friends? Maybe, but are those friends the ones who we come home with?  No, eventually we'll be alone and they won't be there.  Could we watch TV?  Sure, but there may be things on there that don't give us the purest of thoughts or motivate us to be better people.

But as I grow in my walk with God, I realize something:  He's always there.  I have some of the most amazing relationships in the PLANET, but even with these great people, at times they fail me.  I fight with them.  They may lie to me.  There are things I think and feel that I don't share with them because it may hurt them, or put distance in between us.  Even though they are truly full of character, I can't depend on them fully because at times, we BOTH let each other down... and that's because we aren't perfect.  We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world, where we expect the most and the best out of others but rarely deliver it ourselves.  And that's just a function of living in a world where we have choices.

In a relationship with Christ, none of this exists - at least not mutually.  In my walk with God, I find that I am the one who disappoints.  I am the one who says I'll call when I don't (do my bible study every day), who makes plans and then blows them off when something better comes up (not going to church regularly), who says I completely understand Him and respect who he is but then turn around and talk badly about him (not living a life that reflects my close communion with him).  Do you see the pattern?  Yet instead of being the same back to me, what does He do?  He waits up with the light on, holding the phone in his hand as he glances out the door for me to come home.  Does God literally sit in a house waiting for us?  Haha, no, he doesn't - there isn't one house in Heaven where he watches down from the clouds, staring at us.  But he DOES watch us and yearn for us to want to come back to him.  He's like that Dad that we all secretly wanted (at least those of us who are women), who would threaten the guys we brought home in case they didn't treat us right.  He is always faithful, always forgiving, always patient, and never judges us wrongly.  He just wants us.  He wants a relationship with us, for us to choose Him instead of the next big thing.

Do we disappoint him?  Some Christians may say yes, because we don't do what He's waiting for us to do (return to him) - but I say no.  God doesn't set expectations for us that we don't meet, like we do with each other.  God knows that after Adam and Eve and the Temptation, free will entered the equation and with that, so does living a life with a "human" (in the church, this is called "flesh") mind.  He knows we'll choose the next big thing - and some of us do this most of our lives.  But the cool thing is that He's still just waiting.  

Blessed to have been given this man as my Dad on earth!

My relationship with God has always viewed him, or at least the past few years, as my "Daddy."  If you aren't a woman, it's hard to appreciate this with the heart we have, but basically to me, a "Daddy" is the kind of father who is protective of me.  He wants to keep away what hurts me, but when he looks at me, you can only see tenderness and love.  All he wants is the best for me, and I know I can run to him with anything - and he will still love and accept me: scars, bumps, and bruises.  In the Bible, this part of God is called "Abba," and that's why I got that tattoo in Hebrew.  It reminds me all the time that God loves me so tenderly, so lovingly, and he's waiting to be my soft place to fall in this hard, broken world.

He may not be like this to you, but that doesn't mean he isn't willing to be.  Many people incorrectly blame God for the way the world is today - kind of like eating a bag of chips that you know are terrible for you and then blaming Lays because you get fat.  Well, you chose to rip open the seal, didn't you?  Your hand brought each salty potato sliver into your mouth - and YOUR mouth muscle broke it down for your tongue to swallow, right?

So how can you blame God when people murder each other?  How can you point a finger at something that didn't light a match to burn a house down, or wasn't the one saying those hurtful things behind your back that eventually made their way into your ears?  God doesn't hurt people, people hurt people.  But a lot of times, the bad things in the world (famine, death, disease, tragedy, devastation) are blamed on God.  As a Christian, people have asked me "How can you believe in a God who _______" and I always want to say, "God didn't do that.  People did that."  

People are quick to point a finger because they think God should stop all of the bad things in the world.  Well, why?  Why is it his responsibility to let us make decisions that are terrible, and then step in before we learn our lesson?  That would be like a loving parent who lets their kid eat ice cream all day and then before they get sick from it, gives the kid an antacid so he doesn't throw up.  God doesn't operate like that.  He gives us the freedom to make our choices, and presents himself as the option - if we choose it.  If he gave us obstacles in life but jumped in last minute to boost us over the marker, we would never learn to develop the muscles that propel us over on our own.  He wants us to choose him -because choosing him, and not doing it ourselves, means that we need him and it gives him a chance to love us.

With regard to natural disasters (people always want to ask about that one), it's a little harder but it's the same answer.  Even if we may not think we directly cause us, it's still a chance for us to turn to him.  If we never hurt, we would never want answers, and we would never search for them and turn to him.  People look at God as a punisher who watches and wants to hurt us - but nothing could be further from the truth!  God is a faithful father who has to discipline us at times, but knows that we do need it.

Some of the best adults I know now, or grew up with, had parents who LOVED them deeply but also set boundaries - they will share stories with me of being grounded, or (God forbid!) being spanked.  And they're some of the most successful people I know - because their parents loved them enough to teach them right from wrong, disciplining when necessary.  I include myself in this - my parents, to anyone who knows them, are some of the best people on the planet.  But I remember my butt hurting because a hand had slapped it when I spoke disrespectfully, or the time when I was crying and sobbing on my bed because I had to stop playing outside and go to bed early because I had said something awful to my siblings.

A loving parent disciplines.  And I am so thankful my parents did - and that God does.  

Last week, I watched the new show on the Discover Channel called The Bible.  Many of you have heard about this, or watched it for yourself.  I don't know if it's because of some of the things going on in my life, or if it's a result of the changes God has started to make, but I channel surfed on over to DC and was enthralled for two and a half hours.  The Bible is nothing new, I have been a Christian for well over 22 years, but it is only the past few years when I have truly discovered who Jesus is in my life.  And watching this show, as I have said a million times over the past few days, all I can do is sit in awe.

I am so overwhelmed.  Not in a bad way.  I am so overwhelmed to see how much Jesus loves us - loves me.  There's something about the joy on his face as he spoke to his followers, sharing the news of God and the glory that waits for those who choose to follow him.  Last Sunday, I saw his face as he cried out to God the night of the Last Supper, beseeching Him for an answer.  I saw Judas betray him, I saw the crown of thorns glisten on his head as he was pushed through the streets of the city, struggling under the massive weight of the cross and as people jeered at him from the safety of the sidewalk.  But through it all: I saw his love for me.  The only thought in my head was this: "He loved me so much, He did that."  My heart cried out to him, asking how I deserved such a gift.  His answer?

"Yes, all for you."

I mean, how do you accept a gift like that?  Someone who loves us so much he went through what many still, to this day, deem the most excruciating way to die - so that I, thousands of years later, could choose Life over a life of the next best things.  So that I could choose to profess my faith in a blog to people who may never otherwise hear the story of his love for us.  To have been blessed with the long, painful, at times scary burden of Melanoma so that I can declare not just the disease I once had, but the God who healed me and saved me from it.

I'm sitting here on a Saturday morning, sandwiched between Good Friday and Easter Sunday.  As a Christian, to me this means that yesterday morning, thousands of years ago on a hand-constructed cross of rough wooden beams located between two thieves on a mountain called Calvary, Jesus Christ sacrificed his life - his blameless life, of no sin, of only breathing so that he could share the news of the God who waits to love us - so that I can choose to follow Him.   Tomorrow, thousands of years ago, He will have risen from the dead, the debt and sacrifice completed so that I can live to tell about it.  And if you are reading this and are not a Christian, he did this for you too.  Not just me.  Not just the pastor you saw on TV yesterday - for all of us.

So let's review.

Us before God: empty, lonely, disappointed in people all the time, angry when we don't get what we want, short-lived excitement when we do because then we want more.

Us after God: forgiven.  Living a life of joy, because we know someone loves us so much he literally died for us.  Fully accepted, so we don't look to people to meet our needs (and then experience the disappointment I just mentioned above).  Feeling like we're always home no matter where we physically are, just because God lives with us and lives beside us every day.

What sounds like a better option?  I can speak from both sides of the coin, and I can say with certainty that for the Us After God, the grass is not just "greener," the grass is permanently lush on this side.

There are something like 600 places of worship in Charlotte, North Carolina.  Most of them will be open on Easter Sunday.  Why don't you check one of them out?  Go and see what the Us after God option is all about.  If you don't want to go to church, then watch The Bible (8pm, Discover Channel) for yourself tomorrow night.  You will come away absolutely rocked.  I bet your life on it.

Parting thoughts:
The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him - psalm 103.13

And if you take anything away from today: "You didn't choose me.  I chose you."  john 15.16

Talk soon.

The Platypus

I honestly don't know what it is, but I always feel so inspired to share my heart after a particularly exhausting season of life.  I also find that somehow, instinctively I also always head right back to my bible study for rejuvenation (if I've been away).

This morning was no different.  I woke up INCREDIBLY early for a Saturday, cuddled with this sweet face for a few minutes then decided to work on perfecting more of my domestication skills and craft some cinnamon buns for my sister and I to enjoy with coffee.  Looking at my quiet family room, I felt like some QT with the Big Man is just what I need right now.

I'm currently studying Beth Moore's "David: Seeking A Heart Like His," and it is truly phenomenal.  I always find it so funny ironic that when I spend time away from my study and then come back, the lesson I land on is ALWAYS on point for where I am in life.  I've been back in this for a few weeks, but the lesson today was so great that I had to share what's on my heart.

In the interest of full transparency, I have been struggling for a year or so with truly disliking my job.  I know I'm no different from most people that have to work 40, 50, 60 hours a week like I do - but knowing I'm not alone doesn't really lessen that feeling.  And while I thank God I've been fortunate to have a job, it doesn't mean at the end of two 50-60 hour weeks like the ones I just ended that I am not exhausted.

So when I came across this paragraph in my study, it was almost like God just reached down and tapped my heart to say "Kimber, sweetheart, you're not alone.  You are walking on a battlefield that has been occupied by your brothers and sisters for thousands of years.  But here are the tools you can use to overcome the emotions, the feelings, and learn to trust My will for you."

I'm studying 2 Samuel right now, the rise of the Kingdom of David and the fall of the Kingdom of Saul.  From the study:

Second Samuel 3:1 shows how time plus conflict equals change, "the war... lasted a long time.  David grew stronger... while the house of Saul grew weaker."  We've fought some pretty tough battles in our journeys - battles with temptations, strongholds, doubts, fears, addictions, and compulsions.  Some of them have waged for years.  No matter what the cause of our battles, time will pass and change will come.   Just like David and the house of Saul, we will either grow stronger or weaker.  We cannot remain the same after a severe and long battle.  We rarely stay the same in times of war.  We can't always choose our battles, but we can certainly make choices to affect our outcome.  We want to learn to make choices that will cause us to grow stronger rather than weaker.  We will fight these enemies to varying degrees for the rest of our lives.  Sometimes we become discouraged because we see no progress, but we can be assured that time plus conflict will equal change.

That spoke such a shouting whisper to my heart, because I HAVE struggled with doubt and fear for a long time.  Maybe it was because my parents divorced when I was so young, and I felt like the toughness and strength I learned early would be sufficient to protect me more than the love of Christ could.  Maybe it's the age old lie that prevents me from sacrificing my will and desires for those of God's because "I can do it better than He could" (which is obviously totally untrue).

Whatever the cause, thinking of my struggle to accept I am where I am in my career right now and reading this in my study really spoke to me.  I'm not alone.  People in my spiritual lineage for thousands of years, back to Adam and Eve, have struggled with the same issues I have of trusting Christ and letting go - but that doesn't make it okay for me to do it.  I realize I may be stuck here for months and - dare I say it, maybe even years if that's what God wills for me.  Do I like that?  No.  Honestly, the thought makes me want to cry.  But if that's what I'm called to do - am I ready?  Will I say to Christ "God, keep me here if you want me here.  I'll gladly accept it."  Well, that's my goal - and I think my journey in 2013 is going to take a different path than anything that I could predict.

God's funny that way.  People always say "You can tell God has a great sense of humor.  Have you ever seen a moose or a platypus?"  

And honestly, while it may sound strange, I feel like looking back over your journey at the end of tough situations has a way of showcasing God's sense of humor.  Most of the time, if you were to take a drawing of the path you think you'd take, God's would be the exact opposite.  There is no way to predict it, there is no way to alter, it is what it is and there have been so many times that I have thought back to my life a year, two years, three years ago and just laughed because what I wanted and what God gave me were so different.

So that being said, I will be like David and persevere.  I will vow to trust God's plan, winding and tricky and shielded from the end as I may be, and choose every day (because sometimes that is as far as I can think ahead) and say "God, I give you this day.  I choose Your will for my life.  I choose Your plan.  Change my heart and create a desire in me to continuously follow your lead, even when I can't see my next step.  I trust you, Abba, and I give you my life completely." 

To be honest, the life I've led has been so great - and has had more than its share of potholes.  But looking back, I have learned so much about grace, obedience, and joy that I wouldn't change mostly anything.  It creates nothing more than a desire to follow the path God's mapped out because what lies behind me is NOTHING to what lies before me!

Parting thought:

For the Lord grants wisdom!  From his mouth come knowledge and understanding.  He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest.  He is a shield to those who walk with integrity.  He guards the paths of the just and protects those who are faithful to him.  Then you will understand what is right, just, and fair, and you will find the right way to go - Proverbs 2:6-9

Talk soon.

2013!

My other quarters, not halves

For some reason, I just love eggnog coffee.  And I found this delicious sugar cookie creamer that makes my eggnog coffee even more amazing!  So as I sit here, drinking this tastebud-exploding concoction and I think about last year, I realize I am amazingly blessed.

Not just because of the coffee.  I think back to everything that I endured, all of the trials I faced, all of the breakthroughs I made, and I am so incredibly grateful to be able to be sitting here in my beautiful new place and look back at everything!  I understand when people said on New Year's Eve "I am so ready to end this year and have it just be over.  I can't handle it anymore, bring on the new year."  I have to say though, even though last year was incredibly bumpy, I was just more excited for 2013 because I know I have such great things ahead of me.

2012 can probably be titled my year of transformation.  It crystallized for me what the most important things in my life truly are.  I endured loss, several people in my life were called home and in every case, I felt it was far too early (but when do we not say that?)  My health improved and regressed, ending with an adventure to the Emergency Room that I would much prefer never to repeat.  My job has proved to be a source of continued pressure and irritation, continuously challenging me and forcing me to rely on Christ and accept that He has me here, for whatever reason, until He moves me on.  I will not deny I pray every day that that day is the day He does cut me from the team and brings me to a starting position somewhere else.

But I also saw God's fingerprints over so many other things that they outshine the negative. I met an amazing guy, and learned a lot about our relationship and more importantly - myself.  I saw walls of my heart that I thought were made of steel crumble before my eyes.  I began to feel more peace invade my heart, and felt a lot of anxiety flee.  My little sister has fast become my best friend, and we have just moved into our second lease together in a beautiful home.  The rest of my family and I have grown even closer with all of these relationships becoming the most important in my life.  I made several new, strong friendships with some amazing women.  And my darling little dog continues to live a happy, healthy life by my side.

Love.

My sweet sisters by law, but feels more like blood anyway!

God is so good to me.  I know I don't deserve it, there are times when that thought creeps into my mind and I have to remind myself that I'm not blessed because I deserve it.  I'm blessed because he loves me enough to give me these great things.  And at times, He has loved me enough to allow some hurtful things to happen in my life - but I grew closer to him because of those things too.  It's one of those things where you look back and you think "I probably still wouldn't change that year for anything because of what I learned."  Would I bring back the ones I lost?  Absolutely.  Do I trust in God's timing regardless of how it felt?  Yes, most days.  I won't lie and say all the time, but that's just my humanly arrogance in thinking I deserve to know more than I actually do.

I won't pledge for 2013 to do all of these ridiculous resolutions that most people do.  For one, I go to the gym pretty frequently and am by nature, a healthy eater.  Won't waste time promising those things to myself.  Instead, I am going to pray that (1) God teaches me to rely totally on him, (2) He continues to strengthen the relationships in my life that I am blessed to have been given, and (3) that He would give me peace with where I am in life.  I am not supposed to be anywhere but where I am right now, and I want to be totally okay with that.

I'm also going to be writing in here a heck of a lot more.  Not because I think my 5 followers need it, but because there's something about writing that clears my mind - and when can we not use some of that?

Here is to 2013: Rebirth, Regrowth, Redemption.

I am the vine; you are the branches.  If you remain in Me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing - John 15:5

Talk soon.

Even In My Darkest Hour, Let My Heart Praise You

There are so many things about this life that I do not understand. On a lighter note: why did anyone create SmartCars or the Prius? They are ugly, and not a significant amount more environmentally friendly when compared with normal cars - and they are visually offensive. On a heavier note: why do people die of cancer, still, when we have so much research at our fingertips?

My inquisitive mind has reached the conclusion, through 26 years of mental meandering and studying the Word, that I do not have a right to understand God's plan (giving the idea of the Prius to its creator or not), no matter how much I wish I could. It's just like trying to understand death from our limited frame of reference: the idea of not seeing someone the rest of our lives but then living in Heaven with them for eternity? I mean who can really wrap their mind around eternity?

I say all of that to say this: I think that, like the advent calendar near Christmas, little by little is revealed to us until we see the big picture. Not only is it wrong for us to presume we have a right to know everything - it would overwhelm us and make us lose sight of what God is trying to teach us as we grow and learn who He is.

As always, in the interest of full transparency, I want to be honest with you since it has been some time since I wrote a post. Over the past few months, I have grown as an adult and I have regressed. I ended a terrible relationship that I continued out of my own selfishness and lack of desire to follow God's will for me, and then at times, I fell into periods of rebellion against God and dated someone else that was wrong for me because of what I wanted. I have grown much stronger emotionally - but, even as of the past few months, have also learned what it means to open my heart again. I feel like I walk that delicate balance of iron-clad warrior and genteel, soft-hearted little girl who finds light in everything. It can be exhausting trying to be so tough but protecting who I really am, and I think that I've reached the point of ending that juggling competition.

This life is not about who can stay standing the longest. I honestly think it is about who's smart enough to realize that no one is sufficient in their own strength, and the person who realizes that they cannot go it alone is the one who succeeds in the end. No Christian was ever called weak by saying "Uh, hey God? Yeah, can't really handle this one. I'm thinking it's time I gave up trying and called in the expert." Terrible, but terribly appropriate, example is the man who tries unsuccessfully to fix his toilet and then eventually calls a plumber. Does his wife chastise him for realizing he doesn't have a technical degree in crap management? No. She kisses him because now they have their restroom back. His pride of not calling caused more damage than his brilliance of bringing in an expert.

Sound familiar? We can't go it alone. I cannot heal from my past if I am still trying to fix it with the tools that never worked then, so clearly they wouldn't work now. And what am I missing by focusing so steadfastly on the ways I've been wronged? The people that abused my trust, broke my heart, or whose actions said to me they didn't value me? Even the ones who loved me dearly but could not meet my needs because they were never meant to? As I get older and the idea of marriage looms (and is not quite so intimidating as before), I realize that deep in my heart, I want that stability. The respite after a long day, the arms that hold me after I have been battered so much I can't stand - the love that stays even though the flu, a recession, an empty bank account and, in my case - a terrible biopsy. The one that wipes the hair out of my eyes, kisses my son's scraped knee, and takes my daughter out for "Daddy-Daughter Dates" like my dad used to do. I want that whole picture, but to get there, I need to love myself.

I go through life trying to fix everyone but myself. I read in my study the other day that we cannot love others until we accept the love Christ wants to give us. This may be why I feel like I have never truly understood what love was, except for when I look at the cross. Do I have a good idea? Definitely. Do I want to learn? Absolutely. Could I accept it when it finally hits me? That's what I am working on. I'm sick of wondering if I should trust my judgement when it comes to matters of the heart: friendships, dating, I shouldn't consistently doubt myself. And I want to accept love when it comes, not try to understand "why me" and wonder if it's safe. I don't think I'm unlike millions of other people, but if you know me, you know I'm not satisfied being like everyone else. Too headstrong for that - ha!

There is one thing that I know. I have been on this precipice before: being dissatisfied with my state of satisfaction. The last time I did this, God threw my life out of wack and into the ringer, but I came out totally transformed and absolutely on FIRE for Christ. And you know what? I'm ready for him to bring it again. I have always said that my proclivity for being headstrong is probably one of my least favorite attributes, but it has definitely also been a good thing. However, even the strongest need a weakening sometimes, and what better way than to let the Master do it? It's never easy to be brought to the end of yourself, but oh my Lord how rewarding it is to be freed from feeling like you have to fix so many things of yourself and you are only responsible for getting to the end result? It's painful. It's scary. It's difficult and challenging. But it's exciting too.

I have become acutely aware in the past few months how incredibly blessed I am to be surrounded by such truly wonderful people. My family, well, that goes without saying. SO MUCH love and acceptance, it's unspeakable how overwhelmed I am to have them in my life. And my friends, well - not only do they love and accept me for who I am, they are so incredibly supportive even in my darkest hours, and they give me the advice I need when I don't want to hear it. To me, a friend is someone who loves you enough to let you know the truth even in the moment when it will hurt the most. My family and my friends fall into this category, and there is not a day that goes by that I am not overwhelmed by the love in my life.

So friends, here we go. My ride is about to get bumpy again, but I'm excited to let you read along as I experience. One thing is for sure: as always with me, it will never be boring! Ha!

Parting thought:

Hebrews 12:11

"Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Talk soon.

In Order To Be Irreplaceable, One Must Always Be Different

For the first post of 2012, I want to honor someone who changed my life.

In a world that is constantly changing, so are we and so are our relationships. People come and go in our lives, often without rhyme or reason. But every once in awhile, you meet someone and you just click. You realize that you both dance to the beat of the same drummer, and you can't remember what it was like before you had them in your life. Sometimes this happens with a relationship, sometimes it happens with friendship. For me, it happened with Nancy W. Johnson.

To explain who she was would be futile. The title of this entry is a quote by Coco Chanel, and when "Chanel," I think: classy. Confident. Steadfast. Timeless. To me, I will always attribute these qualities to Nancy. She was the mother of my own mother's boyfriend, and I have been privileged to know her since very early this year. I was never very close to most of my grandparents, who have almost all passed on in this life. But with Nancy, she was a kindred spirit.

I'll never forget the first time I met her. It was summer, and she and her AWESOME husband Dan Sr had come over to my mom's house for a summer family dinner. If you know our family, you know that these are commonplace in our weekend routine. Well, Nancy and Dan were older, but they knew how to bring the party. I looked around the kitchen and noticed a HUGE beverage dispenser filled with sangria - and literally, the best sangria I had ever tasted... this was sangria that they had brought, too! Then I noticed her keen fashion sense, and her bright coral pink nail polish... literally I felt like I was looking at myself in maybe 40 years. I just instantly felt comfortable with her, and I couldn't tear myself away from talking to her.

That never changed - the only thing that did was how much I grew to love her. In a world where it can be easy to get lost in a crowd, or in my case, a large family - Nancy taught me to stand up and feel confident about making a decision for myself, even if I didn't have everyone's approval. She would always encourage me to do what made me happy, not to live my life by anyone else's standards but my own. It's not like anyone in my life is oppressive, but I have always been a people-pleaser, and Nancy showed me that part of me wasn't necessary... and helped me to let it go.

How do you thank someone for teaching you a lesson like that? You can't, even though you wish you could. Nancy never needed anyone to thank her, to verbalize how important she was to us - although she was the kind of woman that made you want to. I'll never forget how amazing her hugs were, or her smile and her sense of humor.

She was SO sassy! She owned an interior decorating firm for years in Charlotte, bringing her Charleston up-bringing and class and helping Charlotteans cultivate a style of design in their homes that many wish they had a knack for. Working with large-named clients (ahem, Jerry Richardson) was no big deal for her, it was a part of the day. But her firecracker personality and her gentle heart made her a favorite of many, and the second I found out that she owned her own firm, I was waiting for the day I could quit my job and beg her to let me work for her. She just had one of those magnetic personalities that made people want to know her, to spend time with her.

When my grandfather died, the grandparent I have been closest to, I was devastated. I never had the chance to really say goodbye... the last time I spoke with him I had called him on Veteran's Day, just to thank him for his service. I usually tried to call him on those special holidays to tell him thank you and that I was thinking of him. He told me over and over how much he loved me and how proud of me he was - funny, I had called to encourage him and he encouraged me more! He died about a month later, and although I had that great memory of our last conversation, I never got to have that one last conversation.

When Nancy took a turn for the worse, I knew I wouldn't let this be one of those memories. I bought a card and filled it with memories we had, things I had thought that I wanted to tell her but hadn't yet, and what she had meant to my life. How she had helped me to grow for the better, and how knowing her had made me a better person. And most importantly, how as I age and my life passes - that the man I marry, the kids I have, the career I build, how I hope that I can look at what I accomplish and know that she would be proud of the woman that I become.

I will be eternally grateful to Dan, my mom's boyfriend, for reading it to her before she passed. He has no idea how much peace he has given me for the rest of my life, knowing that he made it possible for me to say goodbye... you can't thank someone enough for allowing you that opportunity. And as I sit here today, reminding myself that she lived a full life, I want to share something with you that God put on my heart.

"All I have is this life that you've given me" - lyrics from one of my favorite songs. This life is so short, and things will happen that we cannot understand, things will occur that we are not equipped to process. And as I feel the pain of losing someone I loved dearly, I can make a choice. It's easy to wonder why such good people are allowed to go and other people are allowed to stay. I wondered that myself, knowing there are people in my life that have not been kind and have caused a lot of damage... but yet, Nancy is gone. To be honest, I'm angry that I was deprived of having Nancy in my life for the future. I was really, really looking forward to sharing more life milestones with her - meeting the man I marry, having kids... now she won't be able to experience that with me. But the time I did have with her was priceless... and she isn't suffering anymore.

Nancy may have lost the battle to lung cancer, but she won the battle of life. The outpouring of love I've seen through both my family and social media is ASTOUNDING... the number of people affected by this loss is the kind of thing that makes you realize that she had such a full, abundant life that touched so many people. And instead of asking why she's gone, I'll thank God that she was here.

She changed my life in so many ways that to sum it up would be impossible, so instead I will just say that I will live my life according to "Nancy's Principle": It is okay to think about yourself, go and do what makes you happy and live life now, while you have it.

Nancy, I will always love and admire you. I hope that through the rest of my life I continue to make you proud, and although I mourn your passing now, I can't wait to see you on the other side when it's my turn. You better have my glass of Sangria ready, Soul Sister!

Talk soon.

Parting thought:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated by our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others - Maryanne Williamson

This blog is dedicated to the memory of Nancy Wells Johnson (1938-2012).

May angels lead you home.

And Then I Started Thinking...

I'm pretty blessed.

Every once in a while, something happens in my life that makes me think about why we're all here. This morning, I was perusing Facebook and noticed one of my best friends had posted this link: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2079098/Ben-Breedlove-Video-sick-teenager-life-1-week-died.html - please take a few minutes to go and read/watch the video attached to the story.

Basically, it's about a teenager who had a life-threatening heart condition and he shares his life story through a series of index cards. But the saddest part is that he talks about how he beat death twice - and made this video a week before he passed away right before Christmas.

It's a great story, and I say that because it's one of those things that gets your mind thinking about why we're all here. I'm a Christian, I think by now that's pretty obvious, and frequently I'm reminded through the happenings of life how amazing Christ really is. Sometimes - well, maybe a lot of times, I don't understand Him or the way He works... but I never doubt that what happens in my life happens because it is a part of what He wants for me. After watching the video, it made me start to think about the way I've been living my life.

I think the end of the year always affords you an opportunity to re-examine your priorities, your life, the way that you live and what you want to change. Fortunately in this life, like the way the quote goes - "It is never too late to become who you might have been." And watching this video, on the cusp of 2012, there are a few things I want to accomplish:

1. Renew my walk with Christ so that, once again, I'm on FIRE for him. I haven't been the most disciplined about keeping up with my bible study and prayer life, and even though there's nothing that requires this as a Christian, I notice a difference myself when I lose sight of this. I want to get back to it.

2. Continue to grow as a woman and continue to discover who I am, what I want, where I'm going. I've made so many changes the past year, letting go of a terrible relationship and growing my career so that it approaches the point where I want it to be. I've really grown to draw lines of what I will and will not accept, what qualities I value in people and what I do not, and be okay living in my skin.

3. Following 2, I want to settle into a meaningful relationship - and (God-willing), have it be my last. I've been doing the dating thing, learning what my priorities are in a relationship and a possible husband... and while it's been a lot of fun, I'm getting to the point where I'd really like to settle down with one man and work toward building a future with him. I have a lot of friends married, engaged, having kids, etc and while earlier this year that would've been what I didn't want... my thoughts are evolving and these days, I think I'm back to the place of being okay settling down with the right man and giving up the overflowing "black book."

4. And for perhaps the easiest and most attainable goal: get my gun license and concealed carry permit. I am 100% in support of the right to bear arms, and I can't wait to be able to boast that I've earned my permit.

Watching the video also made me reflect on my character. Recently, a friend very astutely called me out. He said that he could tell I have a sweet heart and when I joked with him that he just didn't know me, he called me out and said that he knows I do, but I have a tough facade I try to show to protect myself and that I'm not really that tough.

It shocked me... because he's right. I do have a very sweet heart, but through some of the trials of the last year I've found that I've really put up a lot of walls and for the life of me I cannot remember why I kept them up. I love people, I love relationships, but I am hyper-sensitive to letting people into my heart because of so many experiences I've had before and it's difficult to open up sometimes.

I want to get back to who I really am. Be genteel, a sweet and kind spirit that loves freely and trusts God to protect her. I really don't think I'm too far removed from this part of who I am, and I'm actually excited to get back to my roots...

I have a feeling that 2012 is going to be abundantly full of Christ and His blessings. Even now as I type, an excited feeling is overcoming me because I just know that He is going to become more visible to me and I can't wait for that to happen.

My wish? That you feel the freedom to re-examine where you stand and that you experience the desire to redirect life, if necessary. It is so liberating to be honest with yourself, even if it's not the prettiest picture, because when you're honest is when you free yourself to grow and change for the better.

I pray that you experience the Peace that Ben Breedlove felt when he had his near-death experiences, the same peace that I get when I decide I'm done trying and I hand it over to God. It's not easy for this fire-cracker, pistol, independent & stubborn woman to do - but in 2012, I'm letting go & letting God.

Talk soon.

Parting thought:

It's that place in our lives where what we've been hanging on to... clinging to for dear life... is stripped away. It's that place in us where we let go of what we know, what we think we know, and what we want and surrender to the unknown. It is the place of saying and meaning, 'I don't know.' It means standing there with our hands empty for a while, sometimes watching everything we wanted disappear: our self image, our definition of who we thought we should be, the clones we've created of ourselves, the people we thought we had to have, the things we thought were so important to collect and surround ourselves with, the job we were certain was ours, the place we thought we'd live in all our lives.. surrender control to the supreme wisdom and authority of God and to the Divine in your soul. Step into the void with courage. Learn to say, "I don't know." That's not blind faith. It's pure faith that will allow God and your spirit to lead you wherever your soul wants and needs to go - Melody Beattie, "Finding Your Way Home"

Have We Forgotten?

One of my favorite books at one point was "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn." I don't know what it was, I think just the setting of the book (Brooklyn, early 1900s) fascinated me at an earlier age and I would daydream about what life had been like. I liked the irony of the title because it is rare to see a tree in the middle of Brooklyn that hasn't been planted in a pot. About a month ago, my little sister and I were in mid-town NYC walking to the Subway and I passed the flag above my head. I remembered that book and its title, and as the red, white, and blue flapped gracefully in the summer wind, it made me think of something else: September 11th was just around the corner. And I thought about how it felt to be standing underneath the flag, "a flag waves in Manhattan," with the anniversary of this day coming so quickly.

It's here now. And, as I am so incredibly blessed, I was able to spend the day surrounded by family and friends that love me. I laughed a lot and reflected a lot about this day 10 years ago - like many Americans have done and are doing today - and where I was. In typical Chid fashion, we sat around the dinner table and I said I felt like we should talk about our 9/11/01 experiences. Everyone shared their moment of horror, intense memories welling up as we reminisced about the day that changed our lives. I didn't know, but my mom's boyfriend had lost a dear friend as the Towers fell, and he told us about what that man had been life, a brand-new first time father that was slaving away in the top of one of the towers as it was attacked. And then, it was my turn.

We all have a story about that day. I won't share mine, but I will say I watched every single part of the attack literally from the moment of the first plane and on. I still to this day can't talk about the men and women shown, jumping out of the windows with debris falling around them, without bawling. Even as I type this, my heart aches knowing how much so many people lost on that day.

It would be so easy to turn this day into another politicalized one - but I won't. I won't because we don't need another day like that right now.

But I will tell you what occurred to me today as I looked around the table at my beautiful, invaluable family. There were tears tonight - but there was laughter. There was sadness and even some grief, but there was joy. But above all - there was Christ. My (soon to be step-) cousin wrote on his Facebook status that we need to forgive the terrorists, isn't that what Jesus would want? And in his young age of 17 - he's right. I did not personally lose anyone in the Twin Towers but I know many who did, and as I reflect on a day 10 years ago that was filled with so much hatred from the terrorists who hate America - I also remember the love that overcame it.

The father who ran back into the tower to help the kindergarden class touring the Towers on a field trip. The young man with the red bandanna who escorted victim after victim out of the burning building until the last one came out, without him. The fireman who worked the 24, 48, 72 consecutive hour shift because he wouldn't rest until his unit was complete and all his men were in their bunks. The mother of young children who kept it together when she realized her husband on the 78th floor hadn't been as fortunate as the other victims and wasn't coming home.

These were the patriots. These who gave their lives or changed their lives because they were called to something higher than serving their own interests and just leaving the building in time. They went back in and didn't think twice.

So the terrorists who thought they won because they took the lives of over 3,000 Americans? I have a message for you: You didn't win.

You lost - because we grew stronger. 10 years later and we will still remember. We will still have our flag memorials in honor of lives lost. We will still volunteer and serve just to do something. We will still bow our heads to pray to the God that IS a peaceful God, the one who saved us when you tried so hard to destroy us. We will still raise the red, white, and blue and fly it as high as we can because you didn't destroy our spirit - you solidified it. Every year, the memory of that day fades a little more into the daily pattern of our lives but it will not disintegrate. We will never let go and we will never forget.

Because this country and her people are rooted on a foundation based on the biblical principles of Jesus Christ. We forgive, not because we want to, but because we are called to. And we refuse to give you any more control over how we feel or what we do - because we live life according to what He calls us to do, not how we feel.

As we part our ways on this 10th Anniversary of 9/11, may we always remember - john 15.13 "there is no greater sacrifice than a man who lays down his life for his brother."

To the American patriots who gave the greatest sacrifice: we will never forget.