This morning was no different. I woke up INCREDIBLY early for a Saturday, cuddled with this sweet face for a few minutes then decided to work on perfecting more of my domestication skills and craft some cinnamon buns for my sister and I to enjoy with coffee. Looking at my quiet family room, I felt like some QT with the Big Man is just what I need right now.I'm currently studying Beth Moore's "David: Seeking A Heart Like His," and it is truly phenomenal. I always find it so funny ironic that when I spend time away from my study and then come back, the lesson I land on is ALWAYS on point for where I am in life. I've been back in this for a few weeks, but the lesson today was so great that I had to share what's on my heart.
In the interest of full transparency, I have been struggling for a year or so with truly disliking my job. I know I'm no different from most people that have to work 40, 50, 60 hours a week like I do - but knowing I'm not alone doesn't really lessen that feeling. And while I thank God I've been fortunate to have a job, it doesn't mean at the end of two 50-60 hour weeks like the ones I just ended that I am not exhausted.
So when I came across this paragraph in my study, it was almost like God just reached down and tapped my heart to say "Kimber, sweetheart, you're not alone. You are walking on a battlefield that has been occupied by your brothers and sisters for thousands of years. But here are the tools you can use to overcome the emotions, the feelings, and learn to trust My will for you."
I'm studying 2 Samuel right now, the rise of the Kingdom of David and the fall of the Kingdom of Saul. From the study:
Second Samuel 3:1 shows how time plus conflict equals change, "the war... lasted a long time. David grew stronger... while the house of Saul grew weaker." We've fought some pretty tough battles in our journeys - battles with temptations, strongholds, doubts, fears, addictions, and compulsions. Some of them have waged for years. No matter what the cause of our battles, time will pass and change will come. Just like David and the house of Saul, we will either grow stronger or weaker. We cannot remain the same after a severe and long battle. We rarely stay the same in times of war. We can't always choose our battles, but we can certainly make choices to affect our outcome. We want to learn to make choices that will cause us to grow stronger rather than weaker. We will fight these enemies to varying degrees for the rest of our lives. Sometimes we become discouraged because we see no progress, but we can be assured that time plus conflict will equal change.
That spoke such a shouting whisper to my heart, because I HAVE struggled with doubt and fear for a long time. Maybe it was because my parents divorced when I was so young, and I felt like the toughness and strength I learned early would be sufficient to protect me more than the love of Christ could. Maybe it's the age old lie that prevents me from sacrificing my will and desires for those of God's because "I can do it better than He could" (which is obviously totally untrue).
Whatever the cause, thinking of my struggle to accept I am where I am in my career right now and reading this in my study really spoke to me. I'm not alone. People in my spiritual lineage for thousands of years, back to Adam and Eve, have struggled with the same issues I have of trusting Christ and letting go - but that doesn't make it okay for me to do it. I realize I may be stuck here for months and - dare I say it, maybe even years if that's what God wills for me. Do I like that? No. Honestly, the thought makes me want to cry. But if that's what I'm called to do - am I ready? Will I say to Christ "God, keep me here if you want me here. I'll gladly accept it." Well, that's my goal - and I think my journey in 2013 is going to take a different path than anything that I could predict.
God's funny that way. People always say "You can tell God has a great sense of humor. Have you ever seen a moose or a platypus?"
And honestly, while it may sound strange, I feel like looking back over your journey at the end of tough situations has a way of showcasing God's sense of humor. Most of the time, if you were to take a drawing of the path you think you'd take, God's would be the exact opposite. There is no way to predict it, there is no way to alter, it is what it is and there have been so many times that I have thought back to my life a year, two years, three years ago and just laughed because what I wanted and what God gave me were so different.
So that being said, I will be like David and persevere. I will vow to trust God's plan, winding and tricky and shielded from the end as I may be, and choose every day (because sometimes that is as far as I can think ahead) and say "God, I give you this day. I choose Your will for my life. I choose Your plan. Change my heart and create a desire in me to continuously follow your lead, even when I can't see my next step. I trust you, Abba, and I give you my life completely."
To be honest, the life I've led has been so great - and has had more than its share of potholes. But looking back, I have learned so much about grace, obedience, and joy that I wouldn't change mostly anything. It creates nothing more than a desire to follow the path God's mapped out because what lies behind me is NOTHING to what lies before me!
Parting thought:
For the Lord grants wisdom! From his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest. He is a shield to those who walk with integrity. He guards the paths of the just and protects those who are faithful to him. Then you will understand what is right, just, and fair, and you will find the right way to go - Proverbs 2:6-9
Talk soon.
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