ever thine, ever mine, ever ours

Author's note: If you have the ability, I'd suggest listening to this video as you read my lesson today: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCunuL58odQ).

When I was younger, I studied classical music for 6 years, learning to play the violin and growing to appreciate the overwhelming beauty of classical composition from the seventeenth, eighteenth, and nineteenth centuries.

My favorite composer was Beethoven.  We all know his story: his mother had 7 children, of which he was the oldest because several of them died.  His abusive father would wake him up after a night of drinking and force him to practice for hours, which eventually propelled him into greatness.  Later in his life he began to lose his hearing, until eventually he was completely deaf.

Why would my heart choose him to be my favorite?  Because you could hear the emotion in his compositions.  I would imagine him, head near the piano as he violently pushed down on the keys, trying to hear the faintest slivers of sound through a growing curtain of deafness so that he could complete the masterpiece that played in his head.  Some of his compositions bring me to tears as I think about what propelled him to create their sorrowful tones.  Was it his childhood?  The loneliness that enveloped his senses as he aged?  We'll never know, although we do have a rare glimpse into his heart through two love letters that were found after his death.  They contain such an aching for companionship and undying adoration, characterized by his unique use of the phrase "ever thine, ever mine, ever ours" as he recorded forever in time the depth of his love for this unnamed recipient of his soul.  Can you imagine how it would feel to be the object of his affection to the point of becoming the focus of the thoughts of such a timeless genius?

I can.

His name is Jesus Christ.  Over the past several months, I have been beseeching God's presence back in my life.  At times, even passionately crying for a breaking in my spirit.  "Kim, that may seem a little extreme.  Why would anyone want to break?  - and what kind of a God would do something like that to his follower?"  A loving one.  When I say "crying for a breaking," what that means to me is a release of all of the things that have kept me unhappy.  If you ask those closest to me, they may tell you that at times (not all the time, but sometimes), I exhibit signs of having a "Type A" personality.  I enjoy being a leader.  I'm okay making decisions for a collective group.  I have been known to challenge decisions, and authority.  Sometimes my motivation is pure: I care deeply for people that I love.  Other times, I like the chase of "winning."  This may not sound abnormal to you - it may even sound like a lot of people that you know, but let me tell you what's wrong with it.  When I try to "do it on my own," what that means is that I don't ask God for his opinion.  And I don't know about you, but when I try to do things on my own, they don't always work out so well.  IE: I pick someone to date based on what feels right, they end up being a jerk who bruises my heart.  I jump into a career that isn't the right fit for me but looks great from the outside, and two years later I'm applying for 50 jobs a day.  I make a choice because it looks like I'll get recognition at the end, I end up excluding other people from pitching it and damage relationships.  Sound familiar?

This life, by looking at it through the world's eyes, is here to give us satisfaction, pleasure, and shiny things that make us feel good.  This life, by God's eyes, is meant to teach us the character of who He is, what He has done for us, and what He wants to do to bring us closer to His heart.  That may not sound as appealing to you as a nice car or a huge house, but let me tell you how it's MUCH more important.

There are nights we all have where we feel alone.  Could we go out for dinner and drinks with friends? Maybe, but are those friends the ones who we come home with?  No, eventually we'll be alone and they won't be there.  Could we watch TV?  Sure, but there may be things on there that don't give us the purest of thoughts or motivate us to be better people.

But as I grow in my walk with God, I realize something:  He's always there.  I have some of the most amazing relationships in the PLANET, but even with these great people, at times they fail me.  I fight with them.  They may lie to me.  There are things I think and feel that I don't share with them because it may hurt them, or put distance in between us.  Even though they are truly full of character, I can't depend on them fully because at times, we BOTH let each other down... and that's because we aren't perfect.  We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world, where we expect the most and the best out of others but rarely deliver it ourselves.  And that's just a function of living in a world where we have choices.

In a relationship with Christ, none of this exists - at least not mutually.  In my walk with God, I find that I am the one who disappoints.  I am the one who says I'll call when I don't (do my bible study every day), who makes plans and then blows them off when something better comes up (not going to church regularly), who says I completely understand Him and respect who he is but then turn around and talk badly about him (not living a life that reflects my close communion with him).  Do you see the pattern?  Yet instead of being the same back to me, what does He do?  He waits up with the light on, holding the phone in his hand as he glances out the door for me to come home.  Does God literally sit in a house waiting for us?  Haha, no, he doesn't - there isn't one house in Heaven where he watches down from the clouds, staring at us.  But he DOES watch us and yearn for us to want to come back to him.  He's like that Dad that we all secretly wanted (at least those of us who are women), who would threaten the guys we brought home in case they didn't treat us right.  He is always faithful, always forgiving, always patient, and never judges us wrongly.  He just wants us.  He wants a relationship with us, for us to choose Him instead of the next big thing.

Do we disappoint him?  Some Christians may say yes, because we don't do what He's waiting for us to do (return to him) - but I say no.  God doesn't set expectations for us that we don't meet, like we do with each other.  God knows that after Adam and Eve and the Temptation, free will entered the equation and with that, so does living a life with a "human" (in the church, this is called "flesh") mind.  He knows we'll choose the next big thing - and some of us do this most of our lives.  But the cool thing is that He's still just waiting.  

Blessed to have been given this man as my Dad on earth!

My relationship with God has always viewed him, or at least the past few years, as my "Daddy."  If you aren't a woman, it's hard to appreciate this with the heart we have, but basically to me, a "Daddy" is the kind of father who is protective of me.  He wants to keep away what hurts me, but when he looks at me, you can only see tenderness and love.  All he wants is the best for me, and I know I can run to him with anything - and he will still love and accept me: scars, bumps, and bruises.  In the Bible, this part of God is called "Abba," and that's why I got that tattoo in Hebrew.  It reminds me all the time that God loves me so tenderly, so lovingly, and he's waiting to be my soft place to fall in this hard, broken world.

He may not be like this to you, but that doesn't mean he isn't willing to be.  Many people incorrectly blame God for the way the world is today - kind of like eating a bag of chips that you know are terrible for you and then blaming Lays because you get fat.  Well, you chose to rip open the seal, didn't you?  Your hand brought each salty potato sliver into your mouth - and YOUR mouth muscle broke it down for your tongue to swallow, right?

So how can you blame God when people murder each other?  How can you point a finger at something that didn't light a match to burn a house down, or wasn't the one saying those hurtful things behind your back that eventually made their way into your ears?  God doesn't hurt people, people hurt people.  But a lot of times, the bad things in the world (famine, death, disease, tragedy, devastation) are blamed on God.  As a Christian, people have asked me "How can you believe in a God who _______" and I always want to say, "God didn't do that.  People did that."  

People are quick to point a finger because they think God should stop all of the bad things in the world.  Well, why?  Why is it his responsibility to let us make decisions that are terrible, and then step in before we learn our lesson?  That would be like a loving parent who lets their kid eat ice cream all day and then before they get sick from it, gives the kid an antacid so he doesn't throw up.  God doesn't operate like that.  He gives us the freedom to make our choices, and presents himself as the option - if we choose it.  If he gave us obstacles in life but jumped in last minute to boost us over the marker, we would never learn to develop the muscles that propel us over on our own.  He wants us to choose him -because choosing him, and not doing it ourselves, means that we need him and it gives him a chance to love us.

With regard to natural disasters (people always want to ask about that one), it's a little harder but it's the same answer.  Even if we may not think we directly cause us, it's still a chance for us to turn to him.  If we never hurt, we would never want answers, and we would never search for them and turn to him.  People look at God as a punisher who watches and wants to hurt us - but nothing could be further from the truth!  God is a faithful father who has to discipline us at times, but knows that we do need it.

Some of the best adults I know now, or grew up with, had parents who LOVED them deeply but also set boundaries - they will share stories with me of being grounded, or (God forbid!) being spanked.  And they're some of the most successful people I know - because their parents loved them enough to teach them right from wrong, disciplining when necessary.  I include myself in this - my parents, to anyone who knows them, are some of the best people on the planet.  But I remember my butt hurting because a hand had slapped it when I spoke disrespectfully, or the time when I was crying and sobbing on my bed because I had to stop playing outside and go to bed early because I had said something awful to my siblings.

A loving parent disciplines.  And I am so thankful my parents did - and that God does.  

Last week, I watched the new show on the Discover Channel called The Bible.  Many of you have heard about this, or watched it for yourself.  I don't know if it's because of some of the things going on in my life, or if it's a result of the changes God has started to make, but I channel surfed on over to DC and was enthralled for two and a half hours.  The Bible is nothing new, I have been a Christian for well over 22 years, but it is only the past few years when I have truly discovered who Jesus is in my life.  And watching this show, as I have said a million times over the past few days, all I can do is sit in awe.

I am so overwhelmed.  Not in a bad way.  I am so overwhelmed to see how much Jesus loves us - loves me.  There's something about the joy on his face as he spoke to his followers, sharing the news of God and the glory that waits for those who choose to follow him.  Last Sunday, I saw his face as he cried out to God the night of the Last Supper, beseeching Him for an answer.  I saw Judas betray him, I saw the crown of thorns glisten on his head as he was pushed through the streets of the city, struggling under the massive weight of the cross and as people jeered at him from the safety of the sidewalk.  But through it all: I saw his love for me.  The only thought in my head was this: "He loved me so much, He did that."  My heart cried out to him, asking how I deserved such a gift.  His answer?

"Yes, all for you."

I mean, how do you accept a gift like that?  Someone who loves us so much he went through what many still, to this day, deem the most excruciating way to die - so that I, thousands of years later, could choose Life over a life of the next best things.  So that I could choose to profess my faith in a blog to people who may never otherwise hear the story of his love for us.  To have been blessed with the long, painful, at times scary burden of Melanoma so that I can declare not just the disease I once had, but the God who healed me and saved me from it.

I'm sitting here on a Saturday morning, sandwiched between Good Friday and Easter Sunday.  As a Christian, to me this means that yesterday morning, thousands of years ago on a hand-constructed cross of rough wooden beams located between two thieves on a mountain called Calvary, Jesus Christ sacrificed his life - his blameless life, of no sin, of only breathing so that he could share the news of the God who waits to love us - so that I can choose to follow Him.   Tomorrow, thousands of years ago, He will have risen from the dead, the debt and sacrifice completed so that I can live to tell about it.  And if you are reading this and are not a Christian, he did this for you too.  Not just me.  Not just the pastor you saw on TV yesterday - for all of us.

So let's review.

Us before God: empty, lonely, disappointed in people all the time, angry when we don't get what we want, short-lived excitement when we do because then we want more.

Us after God: forgiven.  Living a life of joy, because we know someone loves us so much he literally died for us.  Fully accepted, so we don't look to people to meet our needs (and then experience the disappointment I just mentioned above).  Feeling like we're always home no matter where we physically are, just because God lives with us and lives beside us every day.

What sounds like a better option?  I can speak from both sides of the coin, and I can say with certainty that for the Us After God, the grass is not just "greener," the grass is permanently lush on this side.

There are something like 600 places of worship in Charlotte, North Carolina.  Most of them will be open on Easter Sunday.  Why don't you check one of them out?  Go and see what the Us after God option is all about.  If you don't want to go to church, then watch The Bible (8pm, Discover Channel) for yourself tomorrow night.  You will come away absolutely rocked.  I bet your life on it.

Parting thoughts:
The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him - psalm 103.13

And if you take anything away from today: "You didn't choose me.  I chose you."  john 15.16

Talk soon.

The Platypus

I honestly don't know what it is, but I always feel so inspired to share my heart after a particularly exhausting season of life.  I also find that somehow, instinctively I also always head right back to my bible study for rejuvenation (if I've been away).

This morning was no different.  I woke up INCREDIBLY early for a Saturday, cuddled with this sweet face for a few minutes then decided to work on perfecting more of my domestication skills and craft some cinnamon buns for my sister and I to enjoy with coffee.  Looking at my quiet family room, I felt like some QT with the Big Man is just what I need right now.

I'm currently studying Beth Moore's "David: Seeking A Heart Like His," and it is truly phenomenal.  I always find it so funny ironic that when I spend time away from my study and then come back, the lesson I land on is ALWAYS on point for where I am in life.  I've been back in this for a few weeks, but the lesson today was so great that I had to share what's on my heart.

In the interest of full transparency, I have been struggling for a year or so with truly disliking my job.  I know I'm no different from most people that have to work 40, 50, 60 hours a week like I do - but knowing I'm not alone doesn't really lessen that feeling.  And while I thank God I've been fortunate to have a job, it doesn't mean at the end of two 50-60 hour weeks like the ones I just ended that I am not exhausted.

So when I came across this paragraph in my study, it was almost like God just reached down and tapped my heart to say "Kimber, sweetheart, you're not alone.  You are walking on a battlefield that has been occupied by your brothers and sisters for thousands of years.  But here are the tools you can use to overcome the emotions, the feelings, and learn to trust My will for you."

I'm studying 2 Samuel right now, the rise of the Kingdom of David and the fall of the Kingdom of Saul.  From the study:

Second Samuel 3:1 shows how time plus conflict equals change, "the war... lasted a long time.  David grew stronger... while the house of Saul grew weaker."  We've fought some pretty tough battles in our journeys - battles with temptations, strongholds, doubts, fears, addictions, and compulsions.  Some of them have waged for years.  No matter what the cause of our battles, time will pass and change will come.   Just like David and the house of Saul, we will either grow stronger or weaker.  We cannot remain the same after a severe and long battle.  We rarely stay the same in times of war.  We can't always choose our battles, but we can certainly make choices to affect our outcome.  We want to learn to make choices that will cause us to grow stronger rather than weaker.  We will fight these enemies to varying degrees for the rest of our lives.  Sometimes we become discouraged because we see no progress, but we can be assured that time plus conflict will equal change.

That spoke such a shouting whisper to my heart, because I HAVE struggled with doubt and fear for a long time.  Maybe it was because my parents divorced when I was so young, and I felt like the toughness and strength I learned early would be sufficient to protect me more than the love of Christ could.  Maybe it's the age old lie that prevents me from sacrificing my will and desires for those of God's because "I can do it better than He could" (which is obviously totally untrue).

Whatever the cause, thinking of my struggle to accept I am where I am in my career right now and reading this in my study really spoke to me.  I'm not alone.  People in my spiritual lineage for thousands of years, back to Adam and Eve, have struggled with the same issues I have of trusting Christ and letting go - but that doesn't make it okay for me to do it.  I realize I may be stuck here for months and - dare I say it, maybe even years if that's what God wills for me.  Do I like that?  No.  Honestly, the thought makes me want to cry.  But if that's what I'm called to do - am I ready?  Will I say to Christ "God, keep me here if you want me here.  I'll gladly accept it."  Well, that's my goal - and I think my journey in 2013 is going to take a different path than anything that I could predict.

God's funny that way.  People always say "You can tell God has a great sense of humor.  Have you ever seen a moose or a platypus?"  

And honestly, while it may sound strange, I feel like looking back over your journey at the end of tough situations has a way of showcasing God's sense of humor.  Most of the time, if you were to take a drawing of the path you think you'd take, God's would be the exact opposite.  There is no way to predict it, there is no way to alter, it is what it is and there have been so many times that I have thought back to my life a year, two years, three years ago and just laughed because what I wanted and what God gave me were so different.

So that being said, I will be like David and persevere.  I will vow to trust God's plan, winding and tricky and shielded from the end as I may be, and choose every day (because sometimes that is as far as I can think ahead) and say "God, I give you this day.  I choose Your will for my life.  I choose Your plan.  Change my heart and create a desire in me to continuously follow your lead, even when I can't see my next step.  I trust you, Abba, and I give you my life completely." 

To be honest, the life I've led has been so great - and has had more than its share of potholes.  But looking back, I have learned so much about grace, obedience, and joy that I wouldn't change mostly anything.  It creates nothing more than a desire to follow the path God's mapped out because what lies behind me is NOTHING to what lies before me!

Parting thought:

For the Lord grants wisdom!  From his mouth come knowledge and understanding.  He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest.  He is a shield to those who walk with integrity.  He guards the paths of the just and protects those who are faithful to him.  Then you will understand what is right, just, and fair, and you will find the right way to go - Proverbs 2:6-9

Talk soon.

2013!

My other quarters, not halves

For some reason, I just love eggnog coffee.  And I found this delicious sugar cookie creamer that makes my eggnog coffee even more amazing!  So as I sit here, drinking this tastebud-exploding concoction and I think about last year, I realize I am amazingly blessed.

Not just because of the coffee.  I think back to everything that I endured, all of the trials I faced, all of the breakthroughs I made, and I am so incredibly grateful to be able to be sitting here in my beautiful new place and look back at everything!  I understand when people said on New Year's Eve "I am so ready to end this year and have it just be over.  I can't handle it anymore, bring on the new year."  I have to say though, even though last year was incredibly bumpy, I was just more excited for 2013 because I know I have such great things ahead of me.

2012 can probably be titled my year of transformation.  It crystallized for me what the most important things in my life truly are.  I endured loss, several people in my life were called home and in every case, I felt it was far too early (but when do we not say that?)  My health improved and regressed, ending with an adventure to the Emergency Room that I would much prefer never to repeat.  My job has proved to be a source of continued pressure and irritation, continuously challenging me and forcing me to rely on Christ and accept that He has me here, for whatever reason, until He moves me on.  I will not deny I pray every day that that day is the day He does cut me from the team and brings me to a starting position somewhere else.

But I also saw God's fingerprints over so many other things that they outshine the negative. I met an amazing guy, and learned a lot about our relationship and more importantly - myself.  I saw walls of my heart that I thought were made of steel crumble before my eyes.  I began to feel more peace invade my heart, and felt a lot of anxiety flee.  My little sister has fast become my best friend, and we have just moved into our second lease together in a beautiful home.  The rest of my family and I have grown even closer with all of these relationships becoming the most important in my life.  I made several new, strong friendships with some amazing women.  And my darling little dog continues to live a happy, healthy life by my side.

Love.

My sweet sisters by law, but feels more like blood anyway!

God is so good to me.  I know I don't deserve it, there are times when that thought creeps into my mind and I have to remind myself that I'm not blessed because I deserve it.  I'm blessed because he loves me enough to give me these great things.  And at times, He has loved me enough to allow some hurtful things to happen in my life - but I grew closer to him because of those things too.  It's one of those things where you look back and you think "I probably still wouldn't change that year for anything because of what I learned."  Would I bring back the ones I lost?  Absolutely.  Do I trust in God's timing regardless of how it felt?  Yes, most days.  I won't lie and say all the time, but that's just my humanly arrogance in thinking I deserve to know more than I actually do.

I won't pledge for 2013 to do all of these ridiculous resolutions that most people do.  For one, I go to the gym pretty frequently and am by nature, a healthy eater.  Won't waste time promising those things to myself.  Instead, I am going to pray that (1) God teaches me to rely totally on him, (2) He continues to strengthen the relationships in my life that I am blessed to have been given, and (3) that He would give me peace with where I am in life.  I am not supposed to be anywhere but where I am right now, and I want to be totally okay with that.

I'm also going to be writing in here a heck of a lot more.  Not because I think my 5 followers need it, but because there's something about writing that clears my mind - and when can we not use some of that?

Here is to 2013: Rebirth, Regrowth, Redemption.

I am the vine; you are the branches.  If you remain in Me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing - John 15:5

Talk soon.