The Platypus

I honestly don't know what it is, but I always feel so inspired to share my heart after a particularly exhausting season of life.  I also find that somehow, instinctively I also always head right back to my bible study for rejuvenation (if I've been away).

This morning was no different.  I woke up INCREDIBLY early for a Saturday, cuddled with this sweet face for a few minutes then decided to work on perfecting more of my domestication skills and craft some cinnamon buns for my sister and I to enjoy with coffee.  Looking at my quiet family room, I felt like some QT with the Big Man is just what I need right now.

I'm currently studying Beth Moore's "David: Seeking A Heart Like His," and it is truly phenomenal.  I always find it so funny ironic that when I spend time away from my study and then come back, the lesson I land on is ALWAYS on point for where I am in life.  I've been back in this for a few weeks, but the lesson today was so great that I had to share what's on my heart.

In the interest of full transparency, I have been struggling for a year or so with truly disliking my job.  I know I'm no different from most people that have to work 40, 50, 60 hours a week like I do - but knowing I'm not alone doesn't really lessen that feeling.  And while I thank God I've been fortunate to have a job, it doesn't mean at the end of two 50-60 hour weeks like the ones I just ended that I am not exhausted.

So when I came across this paragraph in my study, it was almost like God just reached down and tapped my heart to say "Kimber, sweetheart, you're not alone.  You are walking on a battlefield that has been occupied by your brothers and sisters for thousands of years.  But here are the tools you can use to overcome the emotions, the feelings, and learn to trust My will for you."

I'm studying 2 Samuel right now, the rise of the Kingdom of David and the fall of the Kingdom of Saul.  From the study:

Second Samuel 3:1 shows how time plus conflict equals change, "the war... lasted a long time.  David grew stronger... while the house of Saul grew weaker."  We've fought some pretty tough battles in our journeys - battles with temptations, strongholds, doubts, fears, addictions, and compulsions.  Some of them have waged for years.  No matter what the cause of our battles, time will pass and change will come.   Just like David and the house of Saul, we will either grow stronger or weaker.  We cannot remain the same after a severe and long battle.  We rarely stay the same in times of war.  We can't always choose our battles, but we can certainly make choices to affect our outcome.  We want to learn to make choices that will cause us to grow stronger rather than weaker.  We will fight these enemies to varying degrees for the rest of our lives.  Sometimes we become discouraged because we see no progress, but we can be assured that time plus conflict will equal change.

That spoke such a shouting whisper to my heart, because I HAVE struggled with doubt and fear for a long time.  Maybe it was because my parents divorced when I was so young, and I felt like the toughness and strength I learned early would be sufficient to protect me more than the love of Christ could.  Maybe it's the age old lie that prevents me from sacrificing my will and desires for those of God's because "I can do it better than He could" (which is obviously totally untrue).

Whatever the cause, thinking of my struggle to accept I am where I am in my career right now and reading this in my study really spoke to me.  I'm not alone.  People in my spiritual lineage for thousands of years, back to Adam and Eve, have struggled with the same issues I have of trusting Christ and letting go - but that doesn't make it okay for me to do it.  I realize I may be stuck here for months and - dare I say it, maybe even years if that's what God wills for me.  Do I like that?  No.  Honestly, the thought makes me want to cry.  But if that's what I'm called to do - am I ready?  Will I say to Christ "God, keep me here if you want me here.  I'll gladly accept it."  Well, that's my goal - and I think my journey in 2013 is going to take a different path than anything that I could predict.

God's funny that way.  People always say "You can tell God has a great sense of humor.  Have you ever seen a moose or a platypus?"  

And honestly, while it may sound strange, I feel like looking back over your journey at the end of tough situations has a way of showcasing God's sense of humor.  Most of the time, if you were to take a drawing of the path you think you'd take, God's would be the exact opposite.  There is no way to predict it, there is no way to alter, it is what it is and there have been so many times that I have thought back to my life a year, two years, three years ago and just laughed because what I wanted and what God gave me were so different.

So that being said, I will be like David and persevere.  I will vow to trust God's plan, winding and tricky and shielded from the end as I may be, and choose every day (because sometimes that is as far as I can think ahead) and say "God, I give you this day.  I choose Your will for my life.  I choose Your plan.  Change my heart and create a desire in me to continuously follow your lead, even when I can't see my next step.  I trust you, Abba, and I give you my life completely." 

To be honest, the life I've led has been so great - and has had more than its share of potholes.  But looking back, I have learned so much about grace, obedience, and joy that I wouldn't change mostly anything.  It creates nothing more than a desire to follow the path God's mapped out because what lies behind me is NOTHING to what lies before me!

Parting thought:

For the Lord grants wisdom!  From his mouth come knowledge and understanding.  He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest.  He is a shield to those who walk with integrity.  He guards the paths of the just and protects those who are faithful to him.  Then you will understand what is right, just, and fair, and you will find the right way to go - Proverbs 2:6-9

Talk soon.

2013!

My other quarters, not halves

For some reason, I just love eggnog coffee.  And I found this delicious sugar cookie creamer that makes my eggnog coffee even more amazing!  So as I sit here, drinking this tastebud-exploding concoction and I think about last year, I realize I am amazingly blessed.

Not just because of the coffee.  I think back to everything that I endured, all of the trials I faced, all of the breakthroughs I made, and I am so incredibly grateful to be able to be sitting here in my beautiful new place and look back at everything!  I understand when people said on New Year's Eve "I am so ready to end this year and have it just be over.  I can't handle it anymore, bring on the new year."  I have to say though, even though last year was incredibly bumpy, I was just more excited for 2013 because I know I have such great things ahead of me.

2012 can probably be titled my year of transformation.  It crystallized for me what the most important things in my life truly are.  I endured loss, several people in my life were called home and in every case, I felt it was far too early (but when do we not say that?)  My health improved and regressed, ending with an adventure to the Emergency Room that I would much prefer never to repeat.  My job has proved to be a source of continued pressure and irritation, continuously challenging me and forcing me to rely on Christ and accept that He has me here, for whatever reason, until He moves me on.  I will not deny I pray every day that that day is the day He does cut me from the team and brings me to a starting position somewhere else.

But I also saw God's fingerprints over so many other things that they outshine the negative. I met an amazing guy, and learned a lot about our relationship and more importantly - myself.  I saw walls of my heart that I thought were made of steel crumble before my eyes.  I began to feel more peace invade my heart, and felt a lot of anxiety flee.  My little sister has fast become my best friend, and we have just moved into our second lease together in a beautiful home.  The rest of my family and I have grown even closer with all of these relationships becoming the most important in my life.  I made several new, strong friendships with some amazing women.  And my darling little dog continues to live a happy, healthy life by my side.

Love.

My sweet sisters by law, but feels more like blood anyway!

God is so good to me.  I know I don't deserve it, there are times when that thought creeps into my mind and I have to remind myself that I'm not blessed because I deserve it.  I'm blessed because he loves me enough to give me these great things.  And at times, He has loved me enough to allow some hurtful things to happen in my life - but I grew closer to him because of those things too.  It's one of those things where you look back and you think "I probably still wouldn't change that year for anything because of what I learned."  Would I bring back the ones I lost?  Absolutely.  Do I trust in God's timing regardless of how it felt?  Yes, most days.  I won't lie and say all the time, but that's just my humanly arrogance in thinking I deserve to know more than I actually do.

I won't pledge for 2013 to do all of these ridiculous resolutions that most people do.  For one, I go to the gym pretty frequently and am by nature, a healthy eater.  Won't waste time promising those things to myself.  Instead, I am going to pray that (1) God teaches me to rely totally on him, (2) He continues to strengthen the relationships in my life that I am blessed to have been given, and (3) that He would give me peace with where I am in life.  I am not supposed to be anywhere but where I am right now, and I want to be totally okay with that.

I'm also going to be writing in here a heck of a lot more.  Not because I think my 5 followers need it, but because there's something about writing that clears my mind - and when can we not use some of that?

Here is to 2013: Rebirth, Regrowth, Redemption.

I am the vine; you are the branches.  If you remain in Me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing - John 15:5

Talk soon.