there's beauty in the breakdown.

There are so many thoughts running through my mind and my heart right now - but as I've had this blog post simmering on the backburner of my mind for the past few weeks, I have to share something God has really been impressing on me:

Run to me.

Run for dear life

when life threatens to drag you down.

Run to me when you are overwhelmed,

When your heart aches and your soul is weary.

Run to me when you have nowhere to go,

When the walls feel like they're closing in.

Run to me when you can't run away from me any more.

Run to me, Beloved, and I will rescue you.

I don't know if that has any meaning for you, but it's become my lifeline. I have to share something with you. I have been to the Blue Ridge in Boone so many times I can't even tell you - it's where my sister took the picture above this. Sometimes, I find a rock to sit on and I just breathe in what I see. Have you ever hiked to the top of a mountain before? Especially in the winter, when you look around all you see are peak and valley after peak and valley. Sometimes I literally can't breath because I am so overtaken with awe by the scenery and the majesty around me.

My God is like those mountains: limitless. Awe-inspiring and yet very commanding because of the quiet power that sits in those blues and greens that rest quietly for hundreds of years. They are steadfast: they don't go anywhere, you can always count on them to be there when you take your trip and hike to the highest points they offer.

I'm going through a tough time right now. I have shared with you over the past few weeks that I have chosen to give up everything my heart desires to chase God with wild abandon, seeking Him as my life's love and giving up all the "rights" I thought I had for anything more until He gives it to me. It's been the most painful season of my life because I am giving up the very deepest desires of my heart to follow Him - the desire to find true love.

I use this blog as a way to be transparent on this journey in life so that if anyone else goes through something difficult, they can see they aren't alone. So it is that transparency that drives me to tell you that all I've ever wanted in life is to get married and have my own family. I think there's something about that dream that's ingrained in most women from birth, but I have wanted it for so long that it's just a part of who I am. And the breakup I had a few weeks ago has been hard because I really thought he was The One.

He's a great guy but he isn't The One for me - at least not at this moment in our lives. And when I realized that, I also realized I'm done trying to find that man on my own. God will bring him to me when I'm ready, and until then, it's time to give God a chance to win my heart - and keep it. Maya Angelou said "A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her," and I couldn't agree more.

But are we really strong enough to let go of those desires and trust God? I was at the Christian bookstore a few weeks ago buying my new bible study, and I picked up a book called "The Heart Of A Woman." A quote in it tugged at the strings of my heart because it's so true:

"... I didn't feel like I was growing as a woman.

I just felt tired. Like Snow White, my heart fell into a deep slumber.

I know I am not alone in this either.

As woman we still long for intimacy and adventure;

each of us longs to be the Beauty of some great story."

How true is that? Don't we really, truly want to be honored and treasured like the star of a great love story? And if that's at the root of who we are as women - how do we just let those desires go?

You realize that it's much better to be the Beauty of God's love story than your own, and that once we fall in love with Him it'll be so much easier to fall in love with the Right One, when God leads him to us. It'll happen if and when it's supposed to, no matter if we do anything or not. Nothing we can do will rush this part of God's plan for our lives, so embrace the precious time you have now to fall in love with Christ so that that love and that strong foundation lasts through all of the rest of life's peaks and valleys. Because they will come, and it's so much better to live a life based on a solid walk with Christ because he leads us through the dark times and the good, the sweet, joy-filled moments and the ones where our heart breaks.

I was recently talking to my oldest brother about some discouragement I've been dealing with, and he said something so true to me: he said "this is like when you break a bone, and you didn't have it set right the first time so it has to be re-broken so it can heal correctly." Sometimes when God wants us to learn something and we haven't, he'll try again and the second time around it may hurt more. This is NOT because he's an unkind or harsh God - it's because he loves us so much and he wants us to grow so much that knowing how headstrong we are, he knows it'll take a little more to get our attention.

When you were young and you broke a rule, Mom and Dad punished you. When did you learn the lesson: when you were sent to a corner, or when they lightly slapped you on the hand and you tried it again? Sometimes it takes a time-out for it to sink in, and I will just say this: I'm so thankful I have a God who loves me enough to keep trying to teach me the lesson he wants me to learn. Because even though it's painful now, I have absolutely no doubt that when I look back to this season of my life after some time has passed, I will remember the pain but I will also whole-heartedly remember how close I drew to Him as my heart broke, and how much I learned about his love, intense and undying, that he has for me.

I'd pick a love like that any day. Give me Jesus.

Parting thought:

"But now, God's message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob, the one who got you started, Israel: "Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end - because I am God, your personal God, the Holy of Israel, your savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That's how much you mean to me! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you" - Isaiah 43:1-4, The Message

Talk soon.

Its A Revolution

Obedience.

What does this word really mean? When we're kids, it means that when our parents say the word "no," either we push back if we're really strong-willed and independent, or we know it means shape up quickly or we'll lose something we don't want to give up. As adults, it becomes a slightly stranger concept because a lot of people don't feel like they have anyone they really need to answer to - unless you're a Christian. "Okay... what does that mean?" you may wonder.

Well, as a Christian, you recognize God as the authority figure in your life and when you accept Him as savior, you also accept His will as final and superior to your own. Even a strong Christian struggles with this sometimes, and in my quest to stay transparent I wanted to let you in on my journey.

Literally, obedience means the act or practice of obeying; dutiful or submissive compliance. But it means so much more to me now than it ever has. Many of you may have known I've been dating someone for the past (nearly) 10 months. We had SO much in common, but as time went on, I began to feel as though the relationship became something that wasn't right for me, at least not right now. I will love him because of what he was to my life, but as I began to sense a shift in my heart about how I felt in the relationship, I felt more distant from God and I knew that was heading toward a danger zone. No one is perfect in their walk, but as a Christian of many years, when I began to hear Him less and feel Him less, I change what I'm doing and correct the situation. I prayed for weeks that God would give me wisdom about what decision to make and that he would make it unmistakable to me. (For those of you who do not know me very well, I'm incredibly headstrong and it isn't difficult for me to convince people to see my side of an argument!) I didn't want to disobey God, and I knew what that request meant.

I'd been dating him for 10 months, and it was about the time when women start to re-examine the relationship and evaluate if it's heading somewhere serious or if maybe things need to be re-evaluated. My parents had a messy divorce when I was young and I will not repeat their mistakes, so I take my relationships probably a little more seriously than a lot of people my age and I think about things a lot more than my incredibly impulsive peers.

I began to feel less peace in my spirit and more and more distance from my ex. When that happened, I couldn't mistake what God had laid upon my heart - He was calling me to trust him and step out in obedience. It's the great and the difficult thing about God. He wants ALL of you to himself and he will not compromise. He won't settle for a sliver of your soul, he wants all of it. And for the first time in my life - I wanted to give Him everything! My hopes, my dreams, my deepest desires - including marriage, which is a sacred hope to most women. When my God knocked on the door of my heart, I flung open the door and told him to redecorate and spring clean however he wanted.

It's been difficult, but so incredibly rewarding. I had lost parts of who I was, which was the worst part because I really do love who I am. My middle name is Joy, and I know that when my relationship with God is where I want it to be, I live that out loud. Trusting God's will for me and knowing he's got something great in store for me has made this process so much more intimate for me as I really dig into the Scriptures and my bible study and church sermons to search for Him and his presence even more than I ever have.

Once I decided to repurpose my life on that night when I ended things, I reached out to both my pastor and one of my dearest friends (and accountability partner) at church, asking them about what Obedience really means to a Christian. I had been told once that it is okay to petition God to ask Him for things when you "obey him" and give something up. That was a little skewed to what "rights" we really have as Christians. The answer to that is simple: none.

We can't expect or demand things of God. I'm sure he has a nice laugh when we do, because that's not how this faith thing works. Well, when he calls us to something and we obey, what can we expect?

1. Sometimes it can hurt. Okay, a lot of times it hurts. But that's just because our will for our lives is often not what God's will for our lives turns out to be, and that pain comes from letting go of what our heart longs for and asking for God to replace it with what HE wants for us instead. The transition aches but it is ultimately SO incredibly worth it, because what we'll get in return is what is right for us.

2. According to my sweet sister, obedience is a lot about perspective. We can't ever really sacrifice enough for God. It isn't about giving and taking - it's about God's name being glorified. Ultimately, our lives are not our own anyway if we're living them for Christ.

3. Last: Psalm 30:5. "For his anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning." Joy! It's coming! Defined as a source of cause of delight, when you have a Christ-given joy, it spills out of you. It's contagious, like laughter at an inside joke with a best friend, or a story recounted to family that gets everyone going. People feel it and people crave it, just like happiness and peace. It's okay to have a period of time to grieve if you're giving up something that you really held close to your heart, but isn't it so much better to receive God-given joy in return?

I think so. I have a new song in my heart today that isn't going away - I prayed and prayed that God would fill my cup to overflowing and he has answered my prayer. I may have a moment here or there where my heart aches for what I deeply desire - an amazing relationship with a Godly man, a family - but in His time, I will get all of that and it is going to be SO amazing!

This morning in church we sang "Oh How He Loves Us." The worship was so powerful tears crowded under my lashes and I fought to not let them spill out at these beautiful words:

And we are His portion and He is our prize

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes

If his grace is an ocean, we're all sinking

Imagine that. To be totally overtaken by an intense love so powerful God would do anything for us that we ask of His will... friends, until you discover the redemption of your life, it's hard to understand how it feels, but all I can tell you is that it has been So worth it to pursue Christ. My pastor said today that sometimes God pulls back from us in certain circumstances so that we will pursue Him more. When you abandon everything and run after Him, the reward is so rich all you'll care about is spending more time with Him.

Take my bet. Try it for yourself. And when you come out the other side, we'll talk ;)

Talk soon.

Parting thought:

After every dark age, there's a renaissance - David Neipert

Abba, Papa, Daddy, Father

One night a few weeks ago, I was driving home in the dark and we were having a fantastic lightening storm. I remember when I was a kid, my parents would take all 4 of us outside with popcorn and blankets to our wrap-around front porch and the 6 of us would watch the lightening dance across the Carolina sky: purples, blues, and even reds displaying a scene across the natural canvas unlike anything I'd ever seen. And watching the lightening storm a few weeks ago, summer air buzzing with electricity and rushing into my open windows, I reflected upon my life. The past few months have been a little hard. To confess, I lost sight of my relationship with Christ and I've felt a discernable shift in my attitude and my heart. The great news is that with my God, there is always redemption! No matter how far away I fall I can ALWAYS come back. And in watching that lightening storm, I felt my story playing out across the heavens. With each flash, the darkness of the world around me was illuminated and I saw trees, houses, roads and other cars as though it was daytime - and once the strike had ended, I was plunged back into a barely lit scenery.

It hit me, hard, that life is like a lightening storm. As we pass through the path of life, our attention staid to the center and (often in our own might), trying to not look left or stumble right, the darkness around us is lit up with flashes of God's brilliance, showing us what's around us for just a moment so that we keep on going.

We have so much to be thankful for, so many things of praise that should be exiting our lips and falling upon God's ears - but it is SO easy to get distracted and caught up in the things of this world. That is what I've done. As I struggled with life through different - and not uncommon - obstacles, my attention was focused more on what was around me off the path, and not on realizing that no matter what was to the side, what was in front of me straight ahead was much better.

Through the love of an always faithful father who will pursue me until I walk the streets of Gold beside him, I have realized my error and have wholeheartedly given myself back to that straight path. No use in beating myself up about anything, because God only cares that we want Him again. I'm doing a Beth Moore bible study called "A Heart Like His," and it is amazing because it seems like even if days or weeks pass before I do a lesson, the one I open my page to is exactly what I need! (God's funny like that, isn't he?) I did one two nights ago about how God blesses and honors the obedient, those who realize they can't live a life without Him and want nothing more than for Him to rescue them from their decisions.

As always with both bible studies and reading the Word in general, several verses stick out to me. If you have a second to read an amazing book of scripture, open your bible to 2 Samuel 22. It's in the Old Testament, and it is so moving with the encouragement it contains. A little background on it: David is crying out and praising God for God's saving of him from Saul and his other enemies. What I read moved me so much because I have been in his place, suddenly freed from the grips of something that felt so large I would never escape it. Friends, I hope the following versus bless your heart as much as they saved mine!

v7: In my distress I called upon the Lord, to my God I called. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry came to his ears.

v17-20: He reached from on high, he took me, he drew me out of mighty waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy, from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me. They came upon me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my stay. He brought me out into a broad place, he delivered me, because he delighted in me.

And the one verse that soothed my soul:

v31: This God - his way is perfect; the promise of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all who take refuge in him.

The Message, which is a modern day Bible, states redemption this way:

v21-25: God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I cleaned up my act, he gave me a fresh start. Indeed, I've kept alert to God's ways, I haven't taken God for granted. Every day I review the way he works, I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together and I'm watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

and my favorite! v29-31: Suddenly, God, your light floods my path, God drives out the darkness. I smash the bands of marauders, I vault the high fences. What a God! His road stretches straight and smooth. Every God-direction is road-tested. Everyone who runs toward him makes it.

Just like those lightening storms where everything is dark, God will give us bursts of his presence that light our way - when we seek him. I'd choose a light lit with his Glory any day over a life lived in darkness, running into obstacles at every turn because I have nothing to light my path.

Friend, I don't know where you are on your journey with Him, but I will tell you where I am on mine. I've reclaimed my place on my path to Him in this life, giving up my desires every day and taking up my cross to live a life governed by HIS desires, not mine. I've tried to do things "my way or the highway," and I tell you that resulted in a big crash!

Joshua 1:7 states "Only be strong and courageous, be careful to act in accordance with the law that my servant Moses commanded you, do not turn from it to the right or to the left, so that you may be successful wherever you go."

Stay on the path where you seek Him, where you desire His will, and your life will be filled with more joy and peace than anything you'd ever be able to find on your own. Coming from a self-professed head-strong independent woman, when I have sacrificed my will and asked God for his, the peace that came to my soul made me realize how much I had been missing by not relying on God to provide direction to me.

No matter what you think you can do on your own, God's provision for you will put it to shame! Why not try it and see where it takes you?

Go grab some popcorn and a blanket, sit on the front porch and watch the strikes of light of God's glory light your path. The view is spectacular when you get to enjoy it, rather than create it.

Talk soon.

A little boy was eagerly looking forward to the birthday party of a friend who lived only a few blocks away. When the day finally arrived, a blizzard made the sidewalks and roads nearly impassable. The lad’s father, sensing the danger, hesitated to let his son go. The youngster reacted tearfully. “But Dad,” he pleaded, “all the other kids will be there. Their parents are letting them go.” The father thought for a moment, then replied softly, “All right, you may go.” Surprised but overjoyed, the boy bundled up and plunged into the raging storm. The driving snow made visibility almost impossible, and it took him more than half an hour to trudge the short distance to the party. As he rang the doorbell, he turned briefly to look out into the storm. His eye caught the shadow of a retreating figure. It was his father. He had followed his son’s every step to make sure he arrived safely.

He's never too far away to protect you.

Mephibosheth

Friends!

It has been far too long since I last wrote here and shared my heart with you. So much has happened over the past little while and I have much to share. I started at my new job, recently bought a new car, and have really settled into my new career and accepted all of the rippling changes that were caused.

Because this is a forum of honesty (at least on my behalf!) I want to share with you some of what I'm struggling with. I have a terrible track record of staying consistent in my bible study and going to church every single Sunday. I know our relationship with Christ is all about choice, so I'll admit I haven't made the best ones to pursue my growth in the relationship I do have with him. However, through encouragement from my pastor and his AMAZING wife, I have come to realize how vital both parts of the equation can be. I have vowed to change this, and so when I found myself with some free time this morning before an appointment, I decided to have some quiet time with the main man in my life.

The story was about David, and how he desperately wanted to find someone in Saul's family to uplift and restore with his kingdom, in honor of his friend Jonathan. His servant suggested Saul's son Mephibosheth, who happened to be lame in his legs. David welcomed Mephibosheth to eat at his table as his son, and restored not only his name but also Saul's kingdom to him and his lineage.

Those of you who know me know I love any story of Redemption (hence my ink). What better redemption than for a man to have his shame removed and his name restored? The part of the story that brought tears to my eyes (and cheeks) was when this crippled man fell to his knees in front of David and asked why David wanted anything to do with him, who he called lower than the dogs. Can you imagine that? Beth Moore, who writes my bible study, painted a picture of the pain that it would have taken for this shamed, humiliated man to bend his broken knees and fall to the ground. And to consider himself so low that he wasn't worthy of looking at David - just because of a decision someone in his family made.

I mention this story this morning because of the truth behind this man, and what it taught me about Christ and his unending love for us, totally devoid of any requirements. The literal comparison is that no matter WHAT mistakes we made or someone made that affected us, it does not lower our worth in the slightest. Not one bit. Your parents could have done something to hurt you or change your life, a friend could have wronged you, you could have made a misstep in this journey we call life that you aren't proud of - but none of it matters, because God wants to welcome us to his table again and restore our name.

I can't think of a more wonderful way to be accepted by Christ - can you? "Hey, I know you lied/deceived/didn't give 100% of yourself on that project, but hey- it's okay! I know you, I know who you are, and I love you. Come sit with me, you're family!" To see, hear, and feel love like that... I mean how can you describe it?

I'll be honest, there are days when I feel totally ugly inside and I wonder how my family can love me. I think we're all like that sometimes, because we are not perfect people and we will make mistakes, sometimes those mistakes will hurt others and we'll be even harder on ourselves. But how about this neverending, unconditional forgiveness and acceptance that we have just waiting on us? I don't know about you, but knowing Christ loves me no matter what has saved me so many times from beating myself up.

I want to share one more piece of information from my study this morning. Mehibosheth literally translates to mean "shame destroyer" or "image breaker." His shame was broken, just like ours is and can be - do not let the fear of asking for redemption or help stop you from reaching out to God. I picture him as this loving dad waiting in a waiting room for you to say something to him that resembles and invitation or a plea and he rushes in to where you are just so he can save you. Imagine a love like that being only a call away, all the time! I'll take it!

What do I hope you take away from this? Call out. Don't be scared to call out. With every breath you take, remember who gives it to you and who wants to give you SO much more... and remind yourself that you are worth it.

Parting thought:

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Galatians 2:20

Talk soon.

Te Amo

There are things in this life that somehow manage to knock me off my feet and leave me shaking my head to figure out what happened.

I can never forget my daily battle with skin cancer. That's kind of a given. But whenever I hear that someone I love, or even that I know, has cancer... something really just hits me to my core and it takes me a little longer than most to process the news.

A good friend of mine died last week of colon cancer. He was so young, in his 70's, and in my mind - too young to have to surrender the battle to this terrible disease. He was a good man, he worked with me at my (now old) job in the mailroom, and was the biggest source of encouragement in my battle of skin cancer. I remember with fondness all of the times he would come to my desk, knowing that I had an upcoming biopsy or recurring visit, and he'd always ask me in his thick Cuban accent, "What day do you go?" I'd answer a day or two ahead and he'd say "You will win. I know this, you will be fine. But I will pray." And he'd go on about his day like he hadn't just renewed my spirits in my fight.

He would always do that, sometimes two or three times a day - speak a word of victory over me as I prepared myself to mentally revisit the lion's den to see if my battle had been extended out again. I will never forget how I felt as I watched him walk away - that I had someone really in my corner, who understood. It may not sound like he did much, but what he did helped me more than what most people tried to say. He got it. He was in his own battle, and he knew what I needed to hear. Not ask me how I felt, not ask details of the procedure, just a simple, matter-of-fact statement and he was gone.

When I got the news he passed, I felt like my gut had been punched. Juan had been sick for awhile and I'd never made it to his house, life got in the way and I didn't make time like I now wish I had. Life is full of 20/20 hindsight, and I had to learn a powerful lesson with the passing of my friend. But I was able to go and say goodbye to him in the hospital, and while there I told him how much of an encouragement he'd been in my life, and how he was such a good man and it had been an honor to know him.

As I reflect on this recent loss, it's natural to examine my life as a whole. Juan left a legacy, he's literally one of two people I've lost who I knew with absolute certainty where they were going. It gives me peace knowing he isn't suffering any longer, in fact he's walking with our Father and he's loving every minute of it. I will see him again in a time not too far away, so for now, my pain and sadness are for my loss, not his. But I think about the people in my life... all of the ones who are beside me, loving me, day in and day out.

I think about a very large change I'm about to endure. I've procured a new position with the American Cancer Society - and for those of you who know me even for a few days, you know how perfect this job will be for me. Especially with losing Juan, and my grandfather over 15 years ago to prostate cancer, this fight is personal. I'm ready to get out there and make a difference - and finally be able to channel my passion to fight this disease.

But I also think about my life as a whole. Am I where I want to be? Am I a person I would want to get to know if I were someone else? Losing Juan really did shake me, and I've been a little unsure over the past few days about the path I'm about to embark on. I do know a few things.

I'm in love, a deep and healthy love, with a wonderful man. He is everything I've ever wanted, and even on our worst days, I can't imagine my life without him. We know with certainty we want a future together, so these days I'm just relaxing into our relationship and enjoying him for the amazing person he is, inside and out.

I seriously have a phenomenal family. My parents have always stuck by me, even when I'm sure I drove them crazy with my antics (ha), but they've been so strong for me over the past 25 years of my life and I could not be more blessed. My brothers and sisterS are amazing, and my brother's girlfriend is like another sister to me. My family is probably the best in the world (I know I'm biased, but I'm just saying!)

And my friends. I've reconnected with several college girlfriends and we have too much fun... and aside from them, I've made some awesome friendships (and I love my best friend, even if she's in Boston, eww).

I've gone through patches that weren't easy in life, I've been miserable in my job for a long time, but now with all of these new opportunities and the people I have by my side, I can't wait for a new chapter. And as I think about my dear friend and where he has gone before me, all I can say to you all is just one thing: Carpe diem! Seize this day, because time is fleeting and its so important to cherish what and who we have, while we have it. You never know when time will run out and we will be called home.

Parting thought:

Don't ever spend one minute of your time wishing your life away. Tomorrow will be here before you know it - Laura Kealy Widdows (love&miss you, mm&pp)

Talk soon.

What Is Love?

What is true love?

I'm sitting here in my sunroom, watching my father and my sweet boyfriend smoking a cigar and relaxing just a few hours after one of my dearest best friends has gotten married. I'm thinking about what it takes to really understand that word: love.

When I saw Kim walk down the aisle (yes, her name is Kim, too!), tears came to my eyes as I thought about what she was walking toward. Obviously, her (now) husband Matt, but it's more than that. It's coming home at the end of a long day to a comforting hug and the stability t of knowing you always have love waiting on you. It's a warm hand and a kiss on a cold winter night, someone who will always run and get you a glass of ice water when you're too warm in bed to go get it. It's someone to vent to, someone to lean on when you can't stand on your own, and in my case tonight, someone to sit by your side as you share in the joy of the ones you love.

I'm in love, friends. A good man came into my life in March of this year, and when he did everything I knew to be true, changed.

We tried to be friends, but we're so compatible it intimidated me a little and for awhile I pushed him away. It wasn't until I grew up a little that I realized what I had in Craig, and we reconnected this summer. Once we reconnected, it was like no time had passed, and we've been dating ever since that day.

He's calm where I'm emotional. He reminds me to show grace and patience when I'm angry, and he's the voice of reason when I can't hear anything but the rush of the situation. I look up to him a lot, not as a best friend, but as a man of God with an amazing heart for service and love for other people. If there was a wish list of things I'd ask God for when I was growing up, he hits every item - and he's handsome to boot.

So now that I've found the man I want to spend the rst of my life with, I just think about what I always thought love was. When you're younger, it's passing notes and a date to the movies on Friday. In college, you think it's the most earth-shattering thing when your study group partner asks you to hit up the Pike party on Saturday night. But now that I'm graduated, settled into a career and watching my dear friends get married and start families of their own, it hits me: love's nothing like I ever thought it would be.

Before, I wasn't in love. I was in like, a cheap imitation of the real thing. But now, with Craig, I know I'm in love. And true love is work. It's hard, sometimes it's frustrating and a lot of the time it's challenging. But, it is always worth it. There is not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for bringing Craig into my life, because even our most difficult days are still infinitely better than the days I spent without him. I've grown to become a better woman than I thought I could be, and I owe that to both him and Jesus Christ. Not only do I have an awesome boyfriend, but I've been given an amazing best friend, and I know he's one of a kind.

I look forward to a lot in my life these days. I've been cancer free for NINE MONTHS already (praise you, Jesus!) - which is so huge!! I have some amazing friendships in my life with women who have blessed me beyond any friendships I've had before. My family is so supportive and loving - and I'm blessed with a job. My relationship with Craig is another great element to life, and as we work toward and build a future together, I'm remember the broken roads it took for me to get here... all the times I prayed to God that he would just give me the patience to wait for the man who would be worth it all... March 20th, he answered that prayer - and I'm going to be forever thankful for the man he provided.

My hope is that you, friend, wait for the real thing, not the "counterfeit," like my mom calls them. The counterfeit is never worth the sacrifice, and patience is always rewarded when you seek what God wants for you. Here's to your happiness!

Parting thought:

The worst thing you can do to true love is deny it; so when you find that special someone, don't let anyone or anything get in your way - Anonymous.

Talk soon.

What Do You Value?

I'm sitting here on the one lazy night I'm going to have this week, preparing to move and watching a tv show called "Cut Off." Essentially it's a group of spoiled women who are being threatened with getting cut off from their wealthy families unless they shape up. The challenge they had to complete in the episode I was watching was cook a meal and serve a group of homeless men. Of course they weren't crazy about it, one girl even said she felt like homeless people were "scary," and complained the entire time she was cooking the meal. Their attitudes didn't change until they sat down with the men and heard their stories. One woman in particular was moved to tears hearing about how one man didn't let his daughters know he was homeless because he intended to work hard enough to move himself out of poverty.

As I pack up my life into cardboard boxes, and I look around at my room and see all of the belongings that I'm blessed to be able to have been able to buy, my heart aches. How many of us don't realize how blessed we are to have what we have until we hear the story of how someone truly has nothing? I'm sure that the producers of the show didn't intend to make everyone cry who watched that episode, but I can't help but to wonder how many people live in total oblivion of what God's given them while people live outside our homes, in our alleyways, under our bridges, starving - overheating, dehydrated, without proper clothing and a lot of times, sick. Who is supposed to look out for these down and out brothers and sisters of ours? If not us, who will?

So I've been thinking a lot lately about what I truly hold dear to my heart, what I'd grab if I had 30 seconds to get out of a burning house. First, as evident by the picture above of my big brother John and I - my family. I can't even describe how much my family means to me, and how I don't know what I'd do without them. I pray every day I don't have to find out. Next, my dog Orion. She's getting older and I love nothing to more than to spend time in my car, driving with the windows down and her little head poking out over the car door with her ears flying in the wind... or cuddling and watching a movie on a rainy day. This little dog brings so much joy to me I can't even explain it - (seriously if you have a dog, you understand!) I also have some absolutely amazing friends... there are a few in particular that I know I can call in the middle of the night and they'll jump in a car (or on a plane) and be at my doorstep in a few minutes.

That's what I value. Above all else, I value my walk with Jesus Christ because He is my best friend, my savior, and the reason why I am the woman I am today. As time passes and life gets more difficult and complicated, my solution gets easier because I am conditioning myself to turn to Him and give it to Him because I can't do it on my own. One day, he'll bring me a husband, and I pray every day that he and I can root our relationship in the love of Christ, together.

All of this aside, I still think about those who aren't as fortunate as you and I are. We have a roof over our heads, food to eat, clothes to wear, AIR CONDITIONING to keep us cool... but what about those who don't? The Bible has a few different views on this particular thought:

There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore, I command you to be openhearted toward your brothers and toward the poor and needy in your land -

Deuteronomy 15:11

Because I rescued the poor who cried for help, and the fatherless who had none to assist him - Job 29:12

What these verses are saying is that God did it. God reached out and bound the brokenhearted, giving the lost direction and the starving food. He met them where they were, broken and bleeding, and restored them to their full potential.

Why don't we live our lives like this? More selfless, less materialistic. When you see a brother starving and hungry on the side of the road, don't turn our head and look away to avoid eye contact. Go buy some food, a Gatorade, and bring it to him. I felt so convicted watching the men on the show talk about how they'd been sons of businessmen, forging ahead in their own careers, and then ended up where they were on the show. It made me really thankful, but with a caveat.

If you know me, you know that I 100% believe in working hard and doing your own part. No one should ever get a free ride for anything. No one deserves it, no one is at a disadvantage in this country, I don't buy it and I don't feel bad for anyone except those who are truly, physically incapable of working. We all come into this world the same way and we'll all leave the same way, your life is what you make it. But that doesn't mean that we should ever refuse to help someone because we don't agree with their life choices. If nothing else, that difference should encourage us to help them because it will give us an opportunity to understand and learn something new.

In short, we need to give back. In the book of Mark, blind Bartimaeus heard Jesus coming down a path and cried out, "Jesus, son of David, help me! Jesus, son of David, HELP ME!" over and over until the same villagers who had mocked and ignored him were beckoning to him to come to Jesus as Jesus called him. He had nothing, not even any pride, and he was given everything because he reached out to the one who had everything to give.

Sometimes we all feel like we don't have what we need to make it, and that's okay. We're entitled to have bad days, days where we just don't feel like we have enough to give - but on those days its even more vital to remember how blessed we are, and to keep life in perspective. I want to encourage you, in times where the economy, our government, our neighbors and our friends are struggling to make the bills, to make ends meet - in the words of Andrea Chidester, "It won't always be this way." Have faith that the storm will clear, and you will be able to breathe again. God has been, is, and will forever be faithful to you and all you need - He sees you struggle. All you have to do is ask for Him and he will be there!

Parting thought:

What is the price of two sparrows - one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your father knowing it - Matthew 10:29.

Talk soon.